Michael's Herbal Consult

Michael got in to see Jelena last Saturday, and she had some immediate recommendations for him. He said that she wants him to boost his immune system first and foremost, which will help get his body working at optimum levels in all areas.

Her recommendations were as follows:

• Change in diet--more fresh fruits & vegetables and fewer peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. :)



• 1 tablespoon cod liver oil 1x/day



• 1 4,000 IU vitamin D drop every other day



• Herbal formula in powdered form



• FertilAid fertility supplement

He already got started taking the cod liver oil . . . we were both a little nervous about buying it at first, because it's pricey and we worried he wouldn't be able to keep it down. But the Carlson's brand with the "great lemon flavor" was true to its word. Michael says it's really not that bad at all. I still haven't gotten brave enough to try it though. :)

He's taking the vitamin D drops too, and says they are tasteless. I think the vitamin D is supposed to help with the formation of sperm, as is the FertilAid supplement which we haven't yet ordered.

I feel good knowing that both of our needs are now being addressed, and I am hopeful for the future!

On Being Thankful Now

Today I got an email that Jelena sent out to her clients in honor of Thanksgiving. I want to remember it--not just for Thanksgiving, but for every day. And I want to share it with you.

Autumn Gratitude

Dear Amy,

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of the year when we are reminded to be grateful for all the blessings that we have in our lives. However, giving gratitude for what we have as opposed to focusing on the things that we don't have is not always easy. Being in a state in which you feel that your deepest desires are unfulfilled can leave you feeling depressed, angry, tired and physically sick.

As long as we expect that we can somehow find happiness outside of our own self, we are bound for disappointment. True happiness already resides within all of us, waiting to express itself in its best form. It is waiting to be freed from all the judgments, agendas, expectations and hopes that hinder its existence.

My wish is that all of us can drop our wants and needs for a moment and embrace this present moment, perfect in its imperfection.

Every day, I am grateful that you make it possible for me to do the job that I love.

Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving!

Jelena Stefanovic L.A.c DAOM

"Giving thanks for abundance is sweeter than the abundance itself."

-Rumi

Update!

It feels like it's been a LONG time since my last post . . . we've basically been in limbo waiting on results from a blood test that the urologist ordered a month ago. It took Michael calling once and me calling twice to finally get the results! But get them we did, and they are normal--which is good, but doesn't give us much information. The doctor said he could send Michael back in to test another hormone that might explain why his numbers are so low when his testosterone and FSH levels are fine.

So far, it's a mystery. I'm hoping that Jelena will be able to shed some light on it, or at least diagnose Michael from a Chinese medicine perspective and prescribe a good herbal treatment for him. He has an appointment for an herbal consult on December 11th. He'll probably need to take herbs for 6 months and then do another semen analysis. I am almost positive that we'll see a marked improvement in his numbers and when we do, we'll head on over to Oregon Reproductive Medicine for an IUI.

I am hoping we come to the next phase of this journey soon, but for now, I am still trying to be patient.

Blood Test Done!

I'm happy to report that we got in bright and early this morning for Michael's blood test. I was a little worried because yesterday I had gone online to try and reserve an appointment, but found that although the lab hours stated it was open on Saturday, there was no online scheduling option for that day. Weird.

We decided to just drive over since we needed to go run some other errands anyway, and were happy to discover that the lab was indeed open and better still, that there was no line. The lab tech took him back to collect his blood and it took all of about 3 minutes. Michael laughed when he came back to the lobby and saw my surprised face. "I bleed fast," he said.

I think that today, both of us feel better than we have since getting his initial test results about the low sperm count. I can't speak for him, but for me, the past few days have been a long, steep free-fall on the downhill portion of this roller coaster that is our journey--I think I've felt most of the "negative" emotions, sometimes all at once (anger, guilt, sadness, hopelessness, despair, etc). Only now am I beginning to feel optimistic again. We seem to be climbing once more in an upward direction as we discuss options and even crack jokes about using "cool packs" for Michael to lower his temperature and provide a nice, chill environment for those little sperm to mature.

It feels good to feel like at least we are in this together. And maybe right now, that is the most important thing.

Update on Michael

We were lucky enough to get Michael in to see a urologist yesterday. One office I called didn't have an opening until mid-November and another one was booked until Dec 1. For all of that, the doctor didn't have much to tell us: physically, Michael appears to be in good health. He got an order for a blood test to check his hormone levels. If he has a low level of testosterone, it could be the reason for the low numbers on his semen analysis. The other good news is that he can get the test done at a Quest Diagnostics lab near our house that has (wait for it) Saturday hours!!! He won't have to try to get time off of work, which I know makes him feel better.

We're in the process of researching supplements and trying to figure out what to order for Michael. There are quite a few options out there, which is good, but, as Jelena said, every product touts itself as the best one, so it becomes hard to decide which one to choose.

A Plan of Action

Yesterday I had my session with Jelena, and I gave her all of our updated information. Her take on it was that Michael's first step should definitely be to see a urologist and be evaluated for a low-level infection or for a varicocele. She said there were a number of things that could be causing the low numbers on the semen analysis, but it sounded like these were the most common.

After we know a little more about M's situation, he'll go see Jelena for an herbal consult and she'll devise a formula for him--probably much like the "tea" I take now. In the meantime, he'll start taking a supplement to boost sperm count and improve shape and motility. He'll need to take that at least 3 months because that is the amount of time it takes to mature sperm within the testicles. And I'm sure he'll have at least a couple more semen analyses to see if the numbers have improved. I am sure that with the implementation of both the supplement and the herbs, we will see at least some improvement!

As for me, Jelena didn't seem too concerned that the cyst has gotten bigger--which has helped relieve my mind. I'm not sure why, but I put tremendous stock in her opinion; maybe because she is a doctor too (just of Chinese medicine, not western medicine), and has had extensive training in women's health conditions. What she strongly recommended was having a consult with a reproductive endocrinologist (a fertility doctor) before having a laparoscopy, should I choose to go that route. Her point was that an R.E. would plan the best course of action for someone dealing with a potentially long-term ovarian cyst and trying hard to preserve her fertility. The doctor might suggest skipping the lap altogether and just watching the cyst while continuing on with plans for IUI after M's numbers look better. So that made me feel more relaxed about the whole thing. Funny how your mind can put you into a tailspin when someone mentions a possible "risky cyst" and when asked what that means exactly, says "cancer" as Dr. Bruner did.

Jelena did say that if we were to go to a fertility clinic right now, the doctors would likely take one look at our situation and immediately say "IVF," since the egg and sperm are combined for you and then placed directly in the uterus. But it is a very expensive procedure and frankly, doesn't work in many cases. What I told M last night is that it's hard for me to justify going that much into debt when in 2 tries of IVF we would be spending the same amount of money that it would take to adopt an infant.

So, there's where we are now on the path to parenthood. I like to think we are midway, but who knows really? All we can do is take one step at a time (I am learning that this is really the only way to approach this whole process while continuing to keep my sanity) and trust that when the time is right, all the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place in exactly the way they are meant to.

I'll keep you posted.

And They're In

After a few days of phone tag, I finally got to speak with Dr. Bruner yesterday about the results of my ultrasound and Michael's semen analysis.

My test was both good, and not-so-good. The March ultrasound showed what looked like a small cyst inside my left ovary. That has resolved--the doctor thinks it was simply the remnant of the follicle from where I had ovulated. But the other cyst, the "tubular mass" as she described it, which she thought might be incorporating my left fallopian tube, has gotten bigger, not smaller. Not so big as to be truly alarming, but big enough that Dr. Bruner mentioned I may want to have another laparoscopy to find out for sure what it is.

Michael's test revealed low counts both in sperm concentration and in the number of "good" sperm (by which they mean well-shaped and able to make the journey to the egg) overall. She said an average concentration of sperm would be about 20 million in the size of the sample they look at, and Michael had about 5 million sperm. So that's not great. But she did say that although the numbers are low, it's not totally bleak. There's still something to work with. Her recommendation for Michael was to get evaluated at a urology clinic. Sometimes men can have a a varicose vein (called a varicocele) in one or both testicles, which can cause a back-up of blood in the testicles, which can raise the temperature to a level that isn't the best for sperm. And I know that there are various supplements and herbal formulas that he could try that would probably help boost both the number and quality of sperm. I meant to order some months ago, but just haven't done it.

To be honest, I think it was about what I was expecting, because I didn't really feel surprised at her news concerning either of us. I had a feeling we each had something contributing to our lack of conception (it has been nearly 5 1/2 years now), and Michael's numbers were low when he was tested 2 years ago. I guess I just didn't emphasize how low when I told him about it back then. . . maybe I still believed most of the problem lay with me.

My concern is that the tubular cyst is not getting smaller. I would have thought that the herbs would have had at least the effect of maintaining its current size, if not decreasing it. I have a session with Jelena this afternoon, and I plan to ask her about it and see what she recommends. My 4th order of herbs is on its way to me as I speak--complete with 2 more formulas--one each for the luteal phase and the follicular phase (the ones the Fertile Soul recommended and which I have been taking for 3 months) and one each for the days when I am ovulating and when I am menstruating (which Jelena advised). Maybe I just need some more time on the herbs. Maybe incorporating more self-massage (okay, actually doing some self-massage) would have an effect. I'll see what she thinks. Dr. Bruner said that if I choose not to have a laparoscopy at this time, I should schedule another ultrasound in 3 months so they can check the cyst to see what it is doing. I know it's probably nothing--probably some scar tissue or some endometrial tissue from the endometriosis as the doctor suggested--but it still makes me wonder and feel a little scared for what it also could be.

Michael's Turn!

I finally got Michael scheduled for his sperm analysis--and I even beat the Oct 31 deadline I had set for myself. :)

He'll be going to Oregon Reproductive Medicine this Friday, Oct. 1 for an 11:00 a.m. appointment. Hopefully we'll get the results within a few days and we'll know more about where we stand as potential parents.

Cross your fingers for us!

Still Some Cysts . . .

I had my 3rd pelvic ultrasound (2nd one in 6 months) today, but I can't remember if the woman who did my ultrasound today was the same one who did it in March--I think so, but I seem to remember the other woman telling me more about what she was seeing than this woman did today. This time she just told me what we were looking at (right ovary, left ovary, uterus) and that she was taking measurements. She did say that there still appear to be some cysts on the ovaries and that Dr. Bruner will compare today's measurements with what they were in March. I am hoping that they are smaller, but trying not to get my hopes up. There was one cyst in particular that looked fairly large, but then again, the images are magnified quite a bit (I think), so hopefully it is not as big as it looked. Disappointing in that I didn't get immediate results as I did with the HSG. Guess I will just have to wait to see what the doctor says . . . although, I don't think I am going to change my game plan all that much. I plan to keep taking the herbs for a few more months, and incorporating more of the castor oil packs and self massage. I have to admit that I am disappointed in myself for not doing a better job with the self-care--it makes me wonder if the cysts would still even be there if I had been good at doing it. :(

Another Opinion

I had my acupuncture session yesterday, but I met with Jelena's business partner, Lisa Pool, since Jelena is still out of the country visiting family.

I liked Lisa a lot; she was warm and funny, and had a joyful bubbly sense about her that was different from the artificial cheer I experienced with Dr. Bruner. Lisa was down-to-earth while still being professional and I appreciated that. My appointment started just before 4pm and she took the needles out at 5:15pm: once again, I felt like I had been adequately seen and heard, and I left with some new ideas about my health.

I didn't have to fill out any new paperwork since Lisa had the forms I had filled out for Jelena in July. She looked at them and asked me questions about the symptoms I have been and am still experiencing. What jumped out at her was a possibility of food allergies, fructose malabsorption or a gluten sensitivity. A naturopath I was seeing several years ago did a blood test for food allergies and nothing significant really came up, but given the symptoms I continue to experience, Lisa thought it would be a good idea to get checked out again. When I mentioned that my half-sister had recently been diagnosed with a pretty high gluten sensitivity, she was even more convinced that gluten is playing a role in why I continue to feel sluggish and have gastrointestinal problems. She also wants a hormone panel done including a full thyroid check because I guess Dr. Bruner didn't have my T3 levels checked when she ordered blood work last March.

Lisa is referring me to a naturopath named Dr. Jessica Black at A Family Healing Center http://www.afamilyhealingcenter.com/ I haven't been to see a naturopath in about two years, so I suppose it's time to get myself back in there. And I'm excited to see someone who specializes in supporting women's health. She published a book in 2006 called The Anti-Inflammation Diet and I am curious to see how it is different from the Fertile Soul's Spleen Qi diet and from the endometriosis diet that I followed for awhile.

Lisa also gave me some more information about Oregon Reproductive Medicine, in case we decide to go there for an IUI (intrauterine insemination) in a few months. Four doctors comprise the practice and she told me a little about each of them; she has firsthand knowledge since they helped her and her partner conceive their son. It was nice to learn some more about the clinic and nice to know that Lisa recommends them above the other fertility clinics in Portland. She said they are pro-acupuncture and we agreed that that probably has much to do with their high rate of live births.

She thought it will be important to see the results of next week's ultrasound in order to determine how well my ovaries are functioning . . . and then getting Michael's sperm test too, of course. That last bit has been stressful for both of us--frustrating for him because he feels like his job responsibilities prevent him from taking time off now when they have a heavy workload (and no one knows when it will ease up) and frustrating for me because I sometimes feel like I am doing a lot of this work on my own.

I guess this is where patience really comes into play--patience for Michael, patience for myself, and patience for our baby who is out there somewhere, waiting for just the right time to come into our lives.

Insight . . .

"No good thing is easy." They told us that,
while we dug our fingers into the stones
and looked beseechingly into their eyes.
They say the hurt is good for you. It makes
what comes later a gift all the more
precious in your bleeding hands.

---excerpt from "Consolations"
by William Stafford

Another Pelvic Ultrasound Scheduled

I got a call from Dr. Bruner's office last Friday and then again yesterday, asking me to call to schedule another pelvic ultrasound. They received the results of my HSG and were very pleased. :) The nurse who left the voicemail said the doctor wants to check on my ovaries and see if the endometrioma-like cysts have changed at all since March.

I am curious too, to see if things look different, now that I have been taking the herbs for three months. I'm trying to prepare myself to be happy with a small decrease in size, but what I am really hoping for is news that the cysts are not even apparent anymore. THAT would be sweet news indeed. And while I am fairly certain I do not want to work with this doctor much in the future (see March's post), I don't think I mind using her to get another ultrasound. I only feel a little bit guilty about that. :) I'm scheduled to go in on Friday, September 24th after work.

Other news . . . Michael and I are trying to figure out when he can go in to get his sperm tested. He had one test two years ago that showed some low numbers, but Michael is convinced that that was due to the massive amounts of Mt. Dew he was in the habit of drinking at the time. ;) Be that as it may, we definitely need some current information to work with. The problem is that the clinic is open for testing Monday through Friday during regular work hours and Michael often doesn't know how many hours he will need to work from week to week, and is often working overtime. We have decided that the best approach is to feel his boss out for how things are looking workload-wise on a Monday, then see if he can get Friday afternoon of that week off (or at least leave at his regular time of 2pm) so he can go do the test. I am making it our goal to get it done before Halloween.

I also have a session scheduled with Jelena, the acupuncturist and doctor at Red Peony acupuncture. She was on vacation for a month, but is back now and will see me on September 17th. I'm looking forward to getting on track with acupuncture treatments because I know it will help me feel calmer as well as help with the endometriosis. My insurance will pay for 5 sessions with the other acupuncturist at Red Peony, but not with Jelena so my plan is to alternate sessions between them to spread out the cost a bit. I'd like to get acupuncture during the first part of my cycle and also during the last part, to help with pain and PMS symptoms.

I haven't scheduled yet with Corrinne Porterfield-Brown, who does the Mayan abdominal massage, but I plan to do so soon. And the yoga studio near my house has an evening gentle yoga class starting next week that I am determined to check out! :)

Oh Happy Day!

You can most likely tell from the title of this post that I had good news today when I went in for the HSG. :)

And YES, the news is good--much, much, MUCH better than I was expecting, given my history of endometriosis and the results of the pelvic ultrasound I had last March that showed a strong likelihood of endometrial involvement with my ovaries.

Most of you following this blog know of my struggle between having the test and not having it. I scheduled it after meeting with a local acupuncturist who strongly urged me to have the test pronto before proceeding any further with alternative treatments. I scheduled the test, then had a couple of weeks to wait since it needed to be done before ovulation. I kept wondering if I was making the right decision. It would cost several hundred dollars that insurance would not cover, and there was a chance of having a "false positive" result. Basically, the tubes might appear blocked when they really aren't; apparently, the fallopian tubes can spasm during the test and keep the dye from flowing freely out the ends of the tubes, thus appearing blocked.

As I was weighing the pros and cons of having the test, I received an email from one of the girls who attended the retreat with me in April. She wanted to know how things were going, so I told her of my scheduled HSG. She emailed back a reply that shook me. She also had had an HSG, but her tubes had spasmed during the test and she had spent several weeks thinking that her chances of conceiving were nil. Then she got pregnant, so she knew that she had had a false positive HSG test result. My friend's story really made me question the wisdom of having the test done. I knew that if I got news that my tubes were blocked, it would be very, very difficult for me to keep any hope in my heart.

Then I talked with Lindsey last night via Facebook chat. I told her I was scared and she listened to my fears and then gave it to me straight--as she has done many, many times in the many years of our friendship (thanks, Man!). :) She reminded me that it was just a test, just a gathering of information. The results would not define me or my chances of getting pregnant.

I felt better going into today, but still nervous. All day at work, I checked the clock and counted down the hours until my test. I told myself that if I really had a bad feeling about it once I got there, I could still cancel it. But I also told myself just to breathe, that I could do this, and that at least I would have some definitive information--and it wouldn't be as invasive as surgery.

The girl who came to get me from the waiting room looked to be about my age. She smiled and took me back to a small changing area, where she handed me a gown and sheet. After I was done changing, I pulled the curtain back open and the girl was back and ready to lead me to the room where the test would be performed. My heart jumped a bit when I saw that she was covered from neck to feet in the longest lead apron I have ever seen. It reminded me that I was about to get zapped with radiation, in precisely the area that was always so carefully covered whenever I have had x-rays in the past. I told myself that it would be fine. She was exposed many times a day, whereas I was only having this small test.

The doctor was waiting for me, alone in the dimly lit imaging area. She looked to be in her early to mid fifties and had a calm presence that helped put me at ease. She introduced herself, shaking my hand, and then asked if I was nervous. When I said that I was, she smiled and said it was normal to feel that way and that she would tell me everything that would be happening as we proceeded with the test.

She got me situated on a table covered in sheets and pillows, and then positioned me so that she could insert a tube that would shoot dye into my uterus. It was then I noticed the large monitor to my left. The doctor indicated that pictures of my uterus and fallopian tubes would show up in real time as they took the xrays and she would be able to give me the results of the test right away. The girl who had brought me in moved the camera over my abdomen and began taking pictures. A ghostly shape that looked like intestines appeared on the monitor. I took deep breaths as the doctor got the tube in place, then watched the monitor astounded as I saw dye begin to fill a portion of the lower screen. It showed up dark against the pale background of my other abdominal organs. I knew the dark patch I was seeing must be my uterus, and with my eyes I willed the dye to flow out where I imagined my tubes to be. I didn't have long to wait! Soon I saw thin lines leading away from my uterus and held my breath to see if she would say they were open or not.

"Well, your right tube is open," she said, and my heart almost stopped. I really couldn't believe what I had just heard.

"Yes, you definitely have something to work with here," she added.

"That's awesome," I said. I could not take my eyes off the screen. When she told me that the other tube was also open, it was just too much. I think I said something like, "Wow, I can't believe it." I was just absolutely floored.

The doctor removed the tube and then had me roll over on the table 360 degrees. She had her assistant take another picture to be sure that the fluid was flowing out of the tubes and into my abdominal cavity. That last picture just looked like a blur of light and dark. I looked at the doctor with raised eyebrows, but she said that everything looked great--my uterus too.

When I told her that I really couldn't believe that everything looked so good given all my years of endometriosis, she nodded gravely and said, "You are very lucky." Then she told me that my doctor (the one who ordered the test) would want me to try to get pregnant this cycle since there is a slight percentage of women who conceive immediately following an HSG. No one really knows the reason why this happens, but the theory is that the dye moving through the tubes helps wash out any debris and allows the egg to move freely through to the uterus.

I changed back into my clothes in a daze and left the office feeling like a prisoner who has just been granted a reprieve. It may sound overly dramatic, but I had really been expecting to hear that one or both tubes were completely blocked. To hear the exact opposite was sweet music indeed.

I think having this test was money well spent--even if I don't know for sure that the tubes are healthy enough to move an egg through or if there might be a problem with too much mucous interfering with the egg, at least I know they are not blocked!!!!

The test results have helped boost my confidence and my faith in myself. I think that alone was worth the money.

:)

HSG Scheduled

It's been awhile since my last post. I've been trying to decide what to do about the hysterosalpingogram test and what I've decided is to just go ahead and do it. At least that way, I'll know what I'm working with and Michael and I can go from there when making plans for our next steps to becoming parents.

My test is scheduled for August 13, pending the arrival of my next period--the test is generally done within the first 11 days of the cycle, but not during bleeding. My period hasn't been following a 28 day pattern, so I had to make an educated guess in terms of scheduling the test. If it arrives late, I'll probably need to reschedule.

Where I am now . . . I've been taking the herbs, Wobenzym, Nattokinase & OPC supplements recommended by the Fertile Soul, pretty religiously. I have done a few castor oil packs and some abdominal massage, but not as regularly as I am "supposed" to. I think I have been feeling depressed about the whole thing again and feeling like giving up--not a great place to be, but there you have it. I wonder why it is so easy for me to get discouraged in this process. Maybe because it feels like it has been dragging on for so long . . . maybe that is to be expected. I don't know. Sometimes I do feel like I am too easily swayed by something I hear (either positive or negative). I think it's hard knowing when to believe in the possibility of a successful outcome using an alternative medical treatment and when to be "realistic." Likewise, it's tough knowing how much stock to put in test results . . . I guess it's something I have to figure out on my own.

I know this sad feeling will pass eventually (might pass more quickly if I did some yoga or qi gong!), but for right now I am trying to just accept what is, right now, in the present moment.

A Second Opinion

Friday I met with an acupuncturist specializing in women's fertility--Jelena Stefanovic at Red Peony acupuncture. My friend Eileen had recently gone to see her and was so moved by what she had to say about the treatment plan she was on that she decided to stop seeing her old acupuncturist and switch to this new lady.

While my Fertile Soul treatment plan listed acupuncture points I should be getting, I had not yet found anyone to do the actual needling. I wasn't sure how to go about it since basically I felt like I didn't need another diagnosis--just someone to follow the treatment plan and make sure all of the points were being addressed. All the same, I still felt like I didn't want to see just anybody, and when Eileen told me she got the referral to Red Peony acupuncture from the staff at the Fertile Soul, it seemed like I had found my local provider.

I called on Wednesday and explained my situation to Jelena, who is not only an acupuncturist, but also the doctor of Chinese medicine who founded Red Peony. She said that even though I had already received a Chinese medicine evaluation and diagnosis, she would still like to go over my health history and basically conduct a new patient exam before doing any needling. And honestly, as a formerly practicing massage therapist, I can understand the value of conducting one's own review of a patient's condition and health before jumping into following someone else's treatment recommendations.

Happily, the acupuncture clinic is located just over a mile from where I work in northwest Portland, and I was even able to find a parking place nearby--no small miracle for that part of town. The clinic itself was small but clean and I was the only patient there. It was nice because Jelena was focused entirely on me and my session.

I found Jelena to be kind, professional and thorough--all qualities one would hope to find in any health care provider. She agreed with the Fertile Soul's diagnosis, but said if she were putting together an herbal formula for me, she would have me on three different formulas instead of two (right now I take one herbal tea formula before ovulation and a different formula after ovulation). She would have me taking a third formula during the first four days of my period, she said, and would add more herbs to combat the nausea I experience and also more herbs to move blood. She said that I am definitely getting some of those herbs with my formulas, but not as much as she thought I would be on, given my health history.

What really threw me for a loop was when she asked me if I have had a hysterosalpingogram--it's the test that shows whether or not the fallopian tubes are blocked. Blockage can occur from adhesions (where the tissue is stuck together as a result of inflammation and scarring), or from the tubes filling with fluid or pus and Jelena said that with my history of 20 years of endometriosis, she would recommend getting the test before I do anything else. She said that if my tubes were completely blocked, I would basically just be wasting my time with the herbs and acupuncture.

I could not believe what I was hearing--I told her that my understanding was that the herbs, acupuncture and abdominal / pelvic massage could reverse the effects of endometriosis (albeit over a period of several months to years) and that anyone, at any stage of the disease, still had a chance of conceiving on her own. This was not Jelena's opinion.

I left the clinic upset and cried on my way home. I really didn't (and still don't) know what to believe. Here I had just come from a retreat where Randine specifically said that a woman who had come to her with Stage 4 (the worst) endometriosis had conceived following her Fertile Soul treatment plan, and now I was hearing that it may not be possible for me given the likelihood that my case is fairly severe. Granted, I couldn't remember Randine saying anything about blocked fallopian tubes, but my impression was certainly that the abdominal massage we learned while at the retreat could help clear up any scarring and adhesions we might have.

I wondered if Jelena was more like a Western medical doctor who would be quick to say, "Oh, with your history, you'd better not waste your time trying to conceive naturally or even with an IUI. You'd better go straight to IVF." Or was she being realistic?

When I got home I looked up the chapter in The Infertility Cure about blocked fallopian tubes and Randine says that there are several Chinese medicine techniques that can be used to help clear blocked tubes--herbs can be taken orally to help alleviate inflammation (which I'm already doing) and in China, they are sometimes injected directly into the uterus where they flow out through the tubes to help heal them. That last practice is not allowed in the U.S., unfortunately. Randine says that women can use herbal enemas or suppositories and use specific acupoints to help clear blood stasis which is often associated with blocked fallopian tubes. And then there is a paragraph on massage that can be done deeply and as Randine says "can apply enough friction to the fallopian tubes to resolve the adhesions manually."

To me that doesn't sound like "you have no chance of conceiving naturally and would just be wasting your time and money to keep trying acupuncture and herbs." So you see the difficulty. Who to believe? What to do?

I think the test would be great to have done so I would at least know the condition of my fallopian tubes, but it is quite expensive and is something that our insurance will not cover at all.

I still have a hysterosalpingogram referral from my last OBGYN visit in March, so maybe I will call next week and see if I can get an estimate of the cost. I need to talk to Michael too and see what he thinks, but I am leaning more toward having the test done.

I'm just afraid of what I might find out.

Surfacing--Again

My period started Saturday while we were camping at the beach with our friends. It's the first one I've had since beginning the herbs and while I wasn't expecting a miracle, I think I was hoping for a dramatic decrease in pain, as well as a return to a 28 day cycle. I did experience some changes, but unfortunately, neither of those two things was among them.

Some months I have what I call a "bad" period, by which I mean an hour or two of extremely intense symptoms that make me feel like I am going to die--literally die. The first time I had one of these episodes was when I was 16 and since it was so bad (and none of us had any idea what was wrong), my mom ended up taking me to the emergency room. Since being off of birth control, I have the episodes sporadically. Sometimes there are 4 or 5 months when I just have regular menstrual cramping without most of the other symptoms of my episodes. But I had a "bad" period in June and now again in July.

I find that if I start taking advil or ibuprofen early on during my period, I can usually avoid the really horrible symptoms (nausea with and without vomiting, diarrhea, sweating, feeling faint and of course severe cramping that feels like someone's hand is gripping my uterus and squeezing mercilessly). I have to really stay on top of the pain and keep popping the pills or the symptoms can get the better of me. I even set my alarm during the night so I can take more advil and make sure I stay ahead of everything.

Something I noticed that was different about this period was that I had little or no warning before I was running for the bathroom, doubled over in pain. It hit fast and hard and I spent a good hour just trying to breathe and get through it. I was shocked by the intensity of what I was feeling--the cramps felt like little knives running me through over and over. And, honestly, I felt more than a little betrayed.

I felt like my period should be improved because of the herbs and the other things I am doing and taking to help with the endometriosis. So I felt betrayed, disappointed and angry--very, very angry. (As a side note, anger is something that I have noticed feeling a whole lot lately--especially the week leading up to my period. This really is not like me, and I am chalking it up to hormonal changes from the herbs, but who knows?). I felt angry even though the quiet voice in my head kept telling me that it has only been 1 month and the Fertile Soul folks said I had to give it at least 3 months before deciding that it wasn't working. And it wasn't like I didn't see changes; the biggest change I have noticed during this period is the decrease in the amount of clots, which is a very, very good thing.

When I got home from the beach yesterday, I talked with my friend Eileen, who is also taking herbs and doing other "natural" things to conceive. She also has endometriosis, so she understands everything I am feeling. We talked and she encouraged me gently, in just the way I needed, not to expect too much too soon. I think that a big part of my disappointment stems from the expectations I have every month--I always feel like maybe this is the month that it will happen and I will get pregnant; then when my period begins I am devastated. So I think I may focus on not getting pregnant for a few months . . . what I think I will do instead is just focus on healing my body and preparing it. Maybe if I really have no expectations of conceiving, my emotions will be on more of an even keel and I'll be happier, and therefore healthier than if I were riding the PMS roller coaster.

Eileen's suggestion last night was that I take extra good care of myself during my period and that I do a castor oil pack to help with the endometriosis. I did castor oil packs a couple of years ago for awhile, but stopped when I gave up on all of the things I was doing to conceive naturally. Randine recommends using them in The Infertility Cure, and before I went on the retreat I bought a new bottle of castor oil as well as a fresh piece of muslin in preparation of resuming the practice.

The packs are simple to make and use, but are messy and require some time being still. You saturate the muslin (flannel works too) with oil and place it across the area you want to heal. Plastic wrap goes on top of that, followed by a heating pad. Then you leave it on for 30-60 minutes. The muslin can be stored in a plastic bag and reused over and over for several months, adding more oil as needed to keep the muslin saturated.

I don't think it's known exactly how the packs work, but it's thought that the heat in combination with some property of the castor oil helps decrease inflammation in the body. Castor oil packs boost the immune system and aid in tissue repair. I read an article about them and was surprised to learn that they are used to help with arthritis, gallstones, stomach cramps, constipation, and even things like carpal tunnel syndrome & joint sprains--crazy!

So I did a castor oil pack before bed last night and felt oddly comforted--maybe it was from the heating pad, but maybe it was because I was nurturing myself. Either way, I'll take it. :)

I'm off now to do another pack before bed tonight. Thanks for listening.

My Chinese Medicine Diagnosis and What I'm Doing

Well, I know this post is a little out of order since I still haven't finished writing about the retreat (I can't seem to catch up with my blog posts!), but I wanted to catch you up with what I've been doing and slowly adding to my daily routine / lifestyle.

A couple of weeks after I came back from the retreat, I got a six-page email from Liz, the Fertile Soul acupuncturist who evaluated me in North Carolina. She gave me my Chinese medicine diagnosis and a detailed list of treatment recommendations.

Randine told us at the retreat not to get "hung up" on any particular diagnosis (like endometriosis), because it does not define who we are and she said the same thing would apply to our Chinese medicine diagnoses. They are not static and will change as each of us follows our individual treatment plans.

That being said, here is the diagnosis I received:

• Spleen Qi Deficiency
• Blood Deficiency
• Blood Stasis
• Kidney Yang Deficiency
• Liver Qi Stagnation premenstrually

The treatment principles I received were:

• Supplement the Spleen
• Nourish Blood
• Invigorate Blood
• Warm and Fortify the Kidney Yang
• Course Liver Qi

There was a whole list of the herbs recommended for me, should I have chosen to have the herbal prescription filled here in Oregon and prepared them myself. I also got a list of acupuncture and acupressure points to stimulate either on my own or by a practitioner.

Many supplements were recommended as well and I started taking some of them right away (the ones I found easily at Whole Foods and New Seasons). One I had to order and some I have not yet incorporated into my regimen.

In her email, Liz re-emphasized what Randine had said at retreat: that I shouldn't stress myself out by trying to incorporate ALL of the recommendations at once. I should listen to my body and do what feels right to me, slowly adding more things as I feel ready. And if something they recommend doesn't feel "right," I should feel free not to do it at all. That part (the just doing what I can and having it be enough) has been a challenge, but so far I think I am "getting" it and am relaxing the determined stranglehold I once had on my fertility. I am letting go in order to receive.

Here is a list of the supplements I am currently taking:

• Wobenzym 2x/day, 45 min before food (a digestive enzyme that helps calm inflammatory conditions like endometriosis & helps invigorate Blood)
• Nattokinase 2x/day, 45 min before food (bacteria derived from soy that breaks down a clot after it has been formed--to help smooth out my menstrual flow & invigorate Blood)
• Fish oil 2,000 mg/day (helps reduce the inflammatory reaction to the endometrial cells)
• ISO-OPC 125-250mg/day (oligomeric proanthocyanidins--these do the same as the fish oil and also invigorate Blood and help boost my immune system since endo is often considered a type of auto-immune disorder)
• Multivitamin / prenatal (2 capsules, 2x/day)
• Vitamin D (not specifically recommended by the Fertile Soul, but I'm taking it because it was so low when I had my blood tested in April)
• Chinese herbs (1 packet, 2x/day, 30 min before food or 60 min after--these are split into the follicular and luteal phase herbs; my understanding is that the herbs work twofold: to heal the endometriosis already present and to "encourage an inner working so that the body can take over on its own")
• Red Raspberry Leaf (1 capsule, 1x/day, to strengthen my uterus and help decrease monthly cramping)

Besides the supplements, I have started incorporating some of the other suggestions, but not on a daily basis. I do them here and there, as time allows and I feel like I want to do them.

They are:

• Abdominal massage (before ovulation) w/castor oil
• Microcosmic breathing--a breathing exercise that is intended to bring the breath back to the reproductive organs and to bring my awareness into my body. I have taken to turning off the radio and doing it on my way to and from work.
• Dry skin brushing--stimulates the skin and gets it available as an organ of elimination, to increase in detoxifcation.
• Yoga postures--I have just started trying to wake up a few minutes earlier each morning to start my day with a couple of postures like Tree and Balancing Stick. I also do a hip roll (opening the pelvis) move from my Qi Gong DVD (more on this later).
• Fertility serum essential oil drops (not suggested by the Fertile Soul, but they were fine with me using the serum--I just can't wear it to work because of people who may be sensitive to scents, so usually I use it on the weekends or before bed).

I am also following the Spleen Qi diet that Randine talks about in The Infertility Cure. It's basically a version of the endometriosis diet I have been following since last fall. The biggest things to avoid are sugar, dairy and wheat. The next are caffeine, alcohol and processed foods and chemicals.

I was rereading some of my notes today that I took during the retreat and I came upon something I needed to see. Randine kept talking about how women who have been trying to conceive for awhile often become very inflexible about what they will and won't do. This includes what they consume, the body products they use, the household cleaning products they use, etc. They try to control everything that might be "bad" for getting pregnant, and in turn, they become depressed and frustrated which leads them to become even more desperate and controlling of outside circumstances. Randine advised us to follow the recommendations we feel fit us best, but not to become obsessive about them. She said that rigidity and the need to control are not conducive to conception and to "follow your pull, where the sense of rightness is."

When I reread these notes today, I had to smile and nod in agreement, because the last couple of days I have felt that old voice of judgment in my ear, telling me what I have done correctly and what I have not done that I "should" have done. I knew it was time to give myself a break and have a treat.

So when Michael took me out to dinner tonight for my birthday, I ordered a virgin pina colada. It came with whip cream and I ate it. And it was very, very good.

<3

Exciting News!

Yesterday I noticed something that seems pretty significant and tells me that what I am doing so far is working to help my body heal! (I am SUPER excited about it!)

Chinese medicine practitioners often look at a person's tongue as part of the diagnostic / evaluation process before treatment. In massage school, one of our instructors was a naturopathic doctor and also an acupuncturist and he told us that if the veins under the tongue are swollen it's a sign of blood stasis--not an ideal condition for the body to be working at its maximum potential.

I've checked underneath my tongue periodically since then and I've always seen engorged, thick veins . . . until yesterday! I was getting ready for work and had just finished brushing my teeth when I thought about those veins and wondered if I would see a difference yet. I was absolutely floored when I curled my tongue up and saw small, narrow veins snaking underneath. Success! This one small change in my body has boosted my morale tremendously. I don't know if it's from the herbal pouches or the other supplements I am taking that were recommended by the Fertile Soul, (or a combination), but I don't care. The blood stasis (a symptom of endometriosis) is resolving and I couldn't be happier about it. :)

So Far, So Good!

I am on the third day of drinking my herbal tea packets and I am very happy to inform you all that so far everything has stayed in my stomach where it belongs. :) I've developed a routine for taking the packets, since they have to be taken either 30 min before food or an hour after: I drink 1 packet in the morning right before I leave the house for work and then drink another one before I leave work around 6:30pm. That way I have breakfast and dinner to take the aftertaste of the herbs away. I keep them refrigerated and put the packet in very hot water for about 30 seconds to warm it up a bit before I drink it. The trick to keep from feeling queasy is to plug my nose so I can't smell it as I drink it, and then I take little sips until it's gone. I guzzled the first packet and knew immediately afterward that that was not a good idea. :) But all in all, the herbs are much, much, much easier to take than I thought they would be. I can't figure out how to describe the taste . . . it's not at all sweet, but not really bitter either. I asked Michael if he thought I would eventually get used to it and he said yes . . . the same thing happened a few years ago when I was taking a naturopathic supplement called Estrium to help regulate my cycle. It was a powder that I mixed with juice and it didn't taste good at all. I had to plug my nose then too, to get it down, but eventually, I got used to it and it didn't bother me much at all.

We'll see, I guess. I'm just happy that I can handle them! Randine talked about how difficult it was for her when she took herbs to help her conceive and how she couldn't keep them down, so I was expecting a similar experience. Glad to be wrong this time!

The Herbs Have Arrived!

I ordered my first shipment of herbs last week from the supplier recommended by The Fertile Soul, Fat Turtle Herb Company. I was expecting them to arrive last Friday and even had my friend check at the house over the weekend while Michael and I were in Seattle, so that my precious cargo could be brought safely inside right away. But it wasn't until today that UPS made a stop at our house. I got a text from Michael while I was at work: You got a big box of HERB. ;) Nice.

When I got home, he said how surprised he was by the weight of the box. He thought I was expecting dried herbs. I explained that I ordered the pre-cooked teas, which come in convenient vacuum-sealed bags, in measured doses. My other choice would have been to buy the dry herbs and then spend 40 minutes a day (every day) boiling them. What with work and my commute, I decided to fork over the extra money and enjoy the pre-made teas. The box contained 4 paper bags full of tea packets. There are enough doses for 1 month's cycle, drinking 1 pouch of tea in the morning and 1 in the evening. The first 2 weeks during the follicular phase, I will drink a formula created for my by The Fertile Soul, based off of the diagnosis I received while at the retreat. The second 2 weeks of my cycle, during the luteal phase, I will drink a different formula, again based on my individual diagnosis. After 1-3 months, the Fertile Soul will review my case and see if my formula needs to be adjusted. I am excited!!!

I decided to start them tomorrow morning and see how I do . . . my biggest fear is not being able to keep them down. Wish me luck! :)

The Retreat, Continued . . .

I wanted to write a bit more about the retreat and about the rest of our big adventure in the south--for a life-changing adventure it was!

My mom and I spent all day Thursday, May 20, in the air or catching connecting flights. The soft-spoken United Airways ticket agent in Portland was nice enough to arrange our seats so we could sit together on all three flights, which I know eased my mom's fears about flying. Aside from having to conduct a mad dash from one side of the airport to the other in Charlotte, N.C., it was a smooth day of travel and we had a nice time relaxing and catching up with each other.

We landed in Asheville, N.C. around 9:30p.m. and my friend Matthew met us there and then drove us to nearby Greeneville, TN where he lives with his wife, Kathleen and their little boy, Jackson. I was Kathleen's doula for Jackson's homebirth two years ago, and she and Matthew are the friends who flew Michael and I around the country with them last summer, to GA, NC, NY and for me, FL. It had been nearly a year since we had seen them, but right away, it felt like we had never been apart. It's like that with good friends, I have found. :)

We were able to chat with them a bit over tea before we headed for bed. They showed us around the 100 year-old farmhouse they are renovating for some friends back in Oregon, and introduced us to their brand-new baby chicks! The little peepers were temporarily housed in a cooler with a heat lamp, food and water and lots of straw while they grow big enough to make the move to the great outdoors. Jackson was asleep for the night, but I heard him the next morning as he greeted the chicks in their cooler with a hearty "Baby Chickens!" It was so neat to see him a year older and so much changed from the baby he was last year . . . I loved hearing him talk and the way he said "okay!" at the end of each sentence: "Ride in the red truck, okay!" It was always a declaration, never a question. Jackson took to my mom right away and kept taking her index finger in his whole hand and pulling as his way of asking her to come see something.



Friday morning I awoke to a beautiful, sunny day--so different from the rain and gray skies we'd been having in Oregon for weeks. We all gathered on the back porch of the farmhouse and I glided back and forth on the porch swing while I sipped my morning herbal tea. There are no visible neighbors from the front, back or sides of the farmhouse and I reveled in the peaceful seclusion. My mom picked a huge bowl of strawberries from a patch near the house while Kathleen and I planted an army of tomato plants. Jackson ran back and forth between us and Matthew who was using the weed whacker--he'd only have it running for a few minutes, then would shut it off as Jackson came running over to see it.


My mom, Kathleen, Jackson and I piled in the car in the early afternoon and headed off to Asheville so I could check-in for the retreat at 4pm. What I noticed right away upon seeing the Grove Park Inn, is that its website definitely does not do justice to the beauty of the place. I loved the red roof in contrast with the dark stone walls and the lovely old pieces of pottery, china, quilt samples, and antique furniture displayed throughout its halls. I am a sucker for places with history and this inn is certainly one of them. There is even a plaque mounted on the door of the suite where Barack Obama stayed (I believe) the night before his speech at the democratic convention. :)

After we checked in and got our room keycards, I headed to the 8th floor for the retreat conference room and left mom to unpack and relax a bit.

I think one of the first things I noticed when I walked in the room were the Costco-sized boxes of Kleenex placed strategically here and there next to the chairs where we would be sitting. It was at that point that I had my first thought of Oh boy, I'm not sure I'm ready for where this is heading. It wasn't that I didn't think there would be tears from at least some of us over the course of the weekend--attending two Resolve support group meetings had shown me the need to have tissues on hand when women get together to talk about fertility challenges. But I think I had arrived full of optimism and expecting more of a weekend of rah-rah, sis boom-bah, we're-all-going-to-go-home-and-get-pregnant activities and lectures. The presence of the Kleenex right off the bat told me I may be about to come face-to-face with some uncomfortable thoughts and feelings--from myself and from the other retreat participants.

There were 15 of us: 4 married couples and 7 of us women who had left our partners at home. I liked how the room was arranged. Each person had a low-slung chair with a rectangular pillow that could be placed behind the back for comfort, and a soft chenille blanket in case we got cold. A retreat binder and pen was on each chair, full of resources to be used during the retreat and once we got home. A nearby table held bottles of water, a selection of tea packets and hot water. Everyone had a nametag ready and waiting for them.

Those first hours of the retreat consisted of the introductions, as we went around the group and each person spoke for a few minutes about his / her fertility journey thus far. I was surprised that the majority of the people there were experiencing "secondary infertility" meaning they already had at least one child but were having trouble either conceiving or carrying a subsequent pregnancy to term. Randine addressed the issue right away, explaining that just because someone already had a child, didn't mean they weren't going through the same pain and struggle those of us who have never had a child or even been pregnant are experiencing. Her words made sense and I could see that the desire for a child might be the same, but in terms of the experience, I could not see it (and still really can't see it), as being the same. It wasn't that I begrudged them for having children whereas I do not; it was that my heart felt a need to connect with someone in nearly identical circumstances . . . I didn't get that sense of connection with any one person at the retreat, but I did upon returning home. A woman from my Resolve support group met me one afternoon after work last week and we swapped experiences and stories. She, like me, also has endometriosis and she, like me, is trying to have a baby using acupuncture, herbs, yoga and naturopathic medicine.

Friday evening, after the first session of the retreat, I had my Chinese medicine evaluation and acupuncture treatment with our Asheville-based Fertile Soul practitioner. She took an in-depth health history, mostly talking with me about the forms and questionnaires I had filled out and faxed to her before ever leaving Portland. Having had several years of experience seeing natural medicine practitioners (as well as having been trained as one myself), the taking of an in-depth health history intake is no surprise to me. What was surprising were the questions posed in the Chinese medicine forms. The questions give the practitioner an idea of which Chinese medicine organ system (s) is / are out of balance, and then recommendations can be made to begin to unravel the tangles and smooth out the flow of qi (energy) in the body.

This is what I have gleaned so far of the theory of how Chinese medicine works: it is the unimpeded flow of qi through the body that makes a person healthy in body, mind and spirit and if there are physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual blocks in the flow, the person will not function at his / her maximum potential and symptoms will manifest. Sometimes an area is deficient in qi, or there is an excess of qi. These situations also mean imbalance. Instead of covering up the symptoms with pills or surgery, Chinese medicine seeks to go to the source of the problem and correct it using things like herbs and acupuncture / acupressure, diet, massage, meditation, and movement exercise like qi gong to remove the symptoms while at the same time resolve the problem.

One of the most impacting messages I got from the retreat was that these are all tools and there is no magic combination that will produce the desired results. What each person must do is choose which tools feel most beneficial to him / her and leave what doesn't feel right. And the message I felt most deeply at the very core of my being in terms of my fertility was this: each woman must balance her physical, emotional, mental and spiritual states on her own. Without being balanced in all areas, conception will not occur.

I questioned Liz about this theory, saying that I have seen women who (in my judgmental eyes) seem less balanced than myself but who become pregnant. Her observation was that that may have been true, but the woman may not realize she is imbalanced and so there is no internal struggle. For someone like me, who has never been comfortable in her skin, the imbalance is apparent, meaning I have always been aware of it, and conception is unlikely to occur until that is changed.

What she said made sense. What the retreat taught me is that I must do my own inner work to get right with myself on every level before I will truly be ready to bring life into this world. I feel the resistance to it--it's the same resistance I have felt since I was about 22 years old when I took a course in college called "Techniques of Relaxation." We learned about and practiced different types of meditation and about being aware of the present moment. I knew instinctively that there was more I needed to learn about myself, but I didn't want to put in the time and the discipline to do so. Since that time I've gone to self-help lectures, bought the audio cds, read the books, etc. searching, searching, always searching for someone else's truth that will be the key to my own. What Randine taught me at the retreat was that I alone hold my key and I alone must learn how to use it.

More on the retreat and on our vacation coming soon!

What I Learned . . .

After a whirlwind trip to Asheville and the surrounding area, I am back at home in Oregon and trying to process all that I learned.

I think that the biggest and most important thing I learned while I was at the retreat is that Chinese medicine and acupuncture is not a quick fix. I "knew" this before I left, but I think I only knew it in my head, not my heart. I learned a lot of things in my heart this past weekend.

One of the other things I learned (and maybe this is the one that took me the most by surprise) is that I have to put in the work on myself that I have "known" I need to do for years now, but have pushed away because I didn't want to put that much time and effort into myself--and maybe also because I was afraid to look too closely within for what I might find there. The reason I knew I needed to do this--really, finally, do it this time and not just keep talking about it--is because my daughter told me to do it.

I've always felt very strongly that I will have a daughter, so that is what I assume our first child will be, although I could very well be wrong--if I am, hopefully the little boy won't be too upset at being referred to as a girl! :) Even though this child is not yet here in physical form, I talk to her often and try to bring her image into my life as much as possible. I've given her a nickname and I keep it posted at work where I see it often during the day.

I decided to talk to her Saturday night, as I was lying awake in bed, thinking about all of the things we had talked about that day during the retreat. I was practicing the deep breathing exercise we'd been taught, and trying to figure out why I felt unhappy instead of excited like the others in my group. I asked her what she needed in order to come into my life, and what she said was simple and drove straight to my core: I need you to take care of yourself.

I knew at once that this was the reason I wasn't feeling happy . . . we'd been talking about the mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of infertility that day, and how they all tie in to the physical condition itself, whatever that may be. And I knew that she was right. I have never felt completely at ease with myself, "comfortable in my own skin" as the saying goes. I've always wished I was different somehow--more outgoing, more vibrant, more accomplished, etc. What I've realized is that I like parts of myself, but not all of myself, and in order to be the kind of mother I want to be, I need that to change.

So that was a huge wake-up call to me and I spent much of the rest of the retreat delving into those thoughts and feelings I want to change--not an easy process, but much-needed, and I know, in the end, indispensable.

Randine said something during the retreat that struck me as quite profound. She said that this Fertile Soul program with all of its varied tools isn't intended to be used just for conceiving and having babies; rather, it's meant to be a way of living one's life and I see what she means. It's meant to be a way to open up to life and to live authentically, seeing all of the damaged and broken parts of ourselves as just as "good" as all the rest.

I like that.

I'll keep you posted on my progress. More on the actual structure of the retreat itself later.

Off to The Fertile Soul Foundations Retreat!!

Tomorrow morning, my mom and I will be lifting off at 8:30am PDT on our way to Asheville, North Carolina!! We change planes in Phoenix and then again in Charlotte, before touching down in Asheville at 8:42pm EDT . . . a very long day, indeed! :) But I will be high on the adrenaline of seeing my friends Kathleen and Matthew (and Jackson!) after almost one year apart! They are going to host my mom and me until Friday and then we'll check in to our lovely inn and the retreat will begin.

I always get excited when I am traveling, but even more so the past couple of days, as I have been anticipating what changes this weekend may hold for me. When I left work today, I grabbed a little slip of paper that has been living under my computer monitor for the past several months. It's full of names--mostly first and middle girl names that I like. There's really only one boy name that Michael and I have been able to agree on, so I sure hope our first baby is a girl, or I am going to have to get some baby name books pronto! He will probably veto most of the names I have picked out, but that's okay. We can figure that out later. To me, this piece of paper represents possibility, and I thought about that as I carefully clipped it to the rest of my Fertile Soul paperwork. Bringing my list of names with me to the retreat highlights my intention that this baby come to be.

And . . . I had another surprise in my mailbox today: The Way of the Fertile Soul written by Randine and on my list of books to get--thank you so much, Christi! :) I can't wait to start reading it on the plane and hopefully have her sign it at the retreat.

More news soon!!

Mmmm . . . Black Licorice

I started the fertility serum drops yesterday! After I woke up early Saturday morning to let Flynn out, I went back to bed and just drowsed, thinking about Inconceivable. I had stayed up late the previous night to finish reading it . . . I had to find out if all her hard work paid off! (It did.) :)

Julia included a few of the stories of other women as a kind of epilogue or appendix to her book, which I thought was very cool and very helpful. She began writing Inconceivable four years after the birth of her second child, and even though she was no longer trying to get pregnant, she went to local Resolve meetings in order to immerse herself once again in the journey away from infertility. The stories she includes at the end of her book are those of some of the women she met there. Reading Julia's story was encouraging; reading the other five stories just affirmed even more what I felt after reading Julia's story--that this is possible, this is something that is within my reach. What I loved was that each woman did what felt right to her: one woman saw a craniosacral therapist (I studied this a bit when I was doing massage therapy), one used specially blended herbal teas (but not Chinese herbs) and acupressure techniques; another woman created an affirmation to welcome her unborn child and to align her thoughts with what she wanted to bring into her life, while yet another woman saw a homeopath and used different remedies to get her body ready for pregnancy. All of these different women were drawn to different methods of healing--they were drawn to the methods that were right for them.

The stories I read reaffirmed what I said in an earlier post that infertility can be cured using natural methods--but that it can take awhile. The woman who drank the herbal teas did it faithfully for two years before she got pregnant and I think it was at least a year for Julia as well. She had a high FSH level (which basically meant that her body was beginning to go into menopause) and she explored just about every natural option she could find to help lower it. She started with an FSH level of 42 and ended with an FSH level of 21.4. She did this using yoga, completely changing over to a vegetarian diet, doing colonics, drinking wheatgrass every day, using Chinese herbs and acupuncture, reading books on thinking positively (Dr. Dyer!), doing twice-daily visualizations of her pituitary gland secreting the correct amount of FSH and of her egg becoming fertilized by her husband's sperm and implanting in her uterus. She did all of this as well as working part-time and being a mom to her toddler.

Saturday morning I felt uplifted, inspired, motivated and encouraged. As I drowsed in bed, I closed my eyes and did a short visualization that I modeled after one Julia had used in which she pictured herself hiking up a steep mountain trail. At various places along the trail were women she loved. They were waiting for her with gifts for her baby. The gifts were things like love, courage, wisdom, trust and peace. Some of the women had already passed on from this life, but they were there every day, waiting for her as she hiked the trail in her mind. Powerful, powerful stuff. When I opened my eyes again I knew that that was the day to start the fertility serum. It just felt right.

So far I really like the drops: they don't leave me feeling overly greasy, as I thought they might, and I smell of black licorice, but not too strongly. And I like that the drops are something tangible I can do every day to remind me that I am helping myself instead of just waiting and hoping. I am acting!

My One Small Thing

Today was tough for me--being Mother's Day. You might think that is to be expected since I am trying to become a mother, but the funny thing is that I wasn't even really thinking about this day and how I would react to it until I found myself in the middle of it.

I spent most of the day yesterday with my mom at the beauty salon and then out for a late lunch afterward. We got to spend several hours alone together which is rare indeed (my dad almost always wants to go wherever she goes), but I fought an undefinable sadness most of the day. I thought at the time that it was because of my upcoming birthday (36!) and what that means in terms of my chances of conception and just my life in general (less than 15 years until I am 50!!!). I felt especially old when I found out that the beauty school student who did our hair (and whom I work with at the call center) is 20 years old, which isn't so bad in itself. The part that really got me is that her mom is turning 39 this year . . . meaning that she is only 3 years older than me. OMG. I am just beginning on this road to motherhood and my friend's mom, who is basically my age, is in the home stretch! I tried wrapping my mind around that bit of information and it sent my thoughts into quite the tailspin. :)

So I was sad last night and when I woke up this morning, I was cranky in a way I could not put my finger on. What was wrong with me? And then I remembered--Mother's Day. I did not want to spend the day feeling sorry for myself, but the gloom persisted and despite the sunshine we got for the better part of the day, a little gray cloud hovered over my head. Finally I gave up fighting it and just let myself have the sadness, or I let it have me, one of the two. I felt sad and small and angry for a few hours, but then, while I was sitting in my green room with Chloe before dinner, I thought about what one small thing I might be able to do that might start to make a difference. This blog is one thing, but I need to do something more action-oriented as well. The fertility drops are another thing I can do, but I haven't started them yet, and I don't really know why . . . I think I am waiting until the time feels right. Or maybe I am trying to avoid being disappointed if they don't work.

I do know that when I go to North Carolina for the retreat, Randine is going to tell us that we must start some kind of meditation practice, even if it is only a few minutes a day of sitting by ourselves without moving or talking. I was thinking about that and the next thought that ran through my head was, well, what are you waiting for? Why wait until she tells you to do it? What if you start now--take two minutes to sit quietly in this room with one hand on your chest over your heart and one hand on your belly--and just breathe.

And so I did. And you know what? I felt better. My goal now is to take one small step in the direction of baby each day, whether it be walking on my breaks at work or getting up a little earlier to write in my journal, or sitting in the quiet for just a few moments without moving or talking. And even if I have to do it while I am sad, it will still be significant. And little by little, all of the small things will add up eventually to the thing that I want the most.

13 Days and Counting!

Well, it is just a little less than 2 weeks before my mom and I head to the southeastern side of the country--we are both excited and counting down the days!

After work today I stopped at Powell's on my way home. I wanted to see if they had a copy of The Infertility Cure since I had to give back the one I borrowed from my RESOLVE support group. I was stunned to discover that not only didn't they have it (at any of their locations) but it wasn't even listed in their store computer as something they have ever carried! So, perhaps I will need to check out Amazon and see if I can find it there.

Never one to want to leave a bookstore empty-handed, I decided to poke around and see if I could find something fertility-related that looked like it would be a good read and a good resource. I think what I really wanted deep-down (maybe without being consciously aware of it), was a memoir. I wanted to read about some other woman's journey through infertility and see her make it out the other side. It couldn't be just any memoir, however. Something about her journey needed to mirror my own, so that I could relate to her, and in so doing, feel more confident about my own path to motherhood. Almost immediately, I pulled out a book called Inconceivable, and after I read the blurb on the back cover, I knew that I wanted to read the whole thing.

In a narrative filled with humor, heartache, and hope, Julia Indichova fearlessly documents her allegedly impossible mission to conceive a child. Her pilgrimage takes her through the offices of the best that modern medicine has to offer, as well as through a maze of surprising alternatives. The point is not which methods she chooses but how she chooses them--by paying careful attention to her needs and responses, a skill that not only brings her a child but changes her approach to life. Ultimately what Julia discovers, and what Inconceivable teaches us, is that when we have faith, and honor our own truth rather than docilely place ourselves in the hands of others, all the rules change. Whether we long to birth a child, a work of art, or a vital, fulfilling life, the journey begins with trusting our deepest wisdom: the expert within who always knows the next best step.

I love the part about how the important thing wasn't what specific medicine or protocol or practice she chose to help her get pregnant (because if there was a one-size-fits-all approach to this, none of us would be struggling) but that she chose what she felt would work best for her as an individual and that her choice was what helped shape her as an eventual mother and as a liver-of-life on this planet. This is how I feel about my trip to N.C. and about dedicating the next few months to healing my body and preparing a welcoming space (body, mind and spirit) for a baby. Beneath the surface of all of my fears and "what ifs" surrounding this decision I have made to follow the Chinese medicine program, the bottom line is that it still feels right to me. And even if it doesn't lead to a baby in the long run, I know it is giving me the motivation to do the work I keep putting off--the work of looking within and loving every bit of what I find there, even (especially!) the parts I don't like right now.

Plus, the foreword is written by Dr. Christiane Northrup, so I knew I was on the right track with a book I would like. :) I'll let you know how it goes . . .

A Surprise in the Mail

When I got home from work today, I was excited to see a small padded envelope waiting for me. About two and a half weeks ago, I ordered some "fertility drops" from a woman who makes custom essential oil blends for just about every health condition under the sun. When I found out that she had a blend to increase fertility, I was skeptical for about 30 seconds, then decided that I have nothing to lose, really. Since I'm going to give natural medicine my all, I might as well go for it! :)

If I hadn't heard from the woman by the weekend, I was going to email her to see how the blend was coming along and to make sure she hadn't forgotten me; when I saw the small package waiting for me on our kitchen table, I knew exactly what it was! A note tucked inside the envelope said "Happy baby-making!" which I thought was sweet. I had to laugh at the label on the bottle as well: "Fertility Serum (make babies)." I'm not sure what other kind of purpose a fertility serum would have, but I guess as the maker of the product, you have to be extra-clear. :)

The ingredients are: organic jojoba oil and pure essential oils of Geranium, Clary Sage and Anise. The instructions are: Put 2 drops on wrists and rub together; 3 drops around entire ankle area and 3 drops onto low back, 2x/day.

I am SO excited to begin using the serum, but I don't know when I should start. Part of me feels like I should wait until I begin the Chinese medicine program so that everything is working together--and the other part of me wants to get a head start with these oils.

One thing is sure--I'll be exuding an aroma of some sort. Hope it's a good one! :)

News From The Doctor--Finally!

It only took 3 weeks and 2 phone calls to the doctor's office (!) but I did finally hear back yesterday about my ultrasound and blood test results. The doctor said there were some cysts (as I already knew) and that one could be incorporating one of my fallopian tubes, which could certainly make it difficult for an egg to get through. Her recommendation was the hysterosalpingogram test in which dye is injected through the cervix and shows if the path through the uterus and fallopian tubes is open. She also asked if I was going to schedule a consult with the doctors at Oregon Reproductive Medicine and I told her that I'm going to begin a Chinese medicine & acupuncture program and will wait to see if the condition can be resolved that way before doing any more tests or starting ART (assisted reproductive technology) treatments.

As for my bloodwork, she said it all looked fine except for my Vitamin D level which appears to be very low. It was low when my naturopath checked it two or three years ago, and I took a supplement for awhile, then just stopped--I can't even remember the reason why now. It was probably when I got frustrated with all of the supplements I was taking and decided to take a break. So I'll need to get myself back on that again at least until I've been following Dr. Randine's recommendations for at least 3 months--that's the minimum length of time she recommends for following an individualized Chinese medicine treatment plan. In The Infertility Cure, she says that the purpose of Chinese medicine is to bring the body back into a state of balance so that all systems are functioning normally and supplements are no longer needed. I love this concept--that my body isn't deficient in any way, but has just gotten off track and needs some gentle guidance to resume its natural functions. Yes.

Asheville, Here We Come!

My mom has decided to come with me to Asheville next month for the Fertile Soul retreat since Michael can't get time off work. She has been intrigued with the town for several years now, ever since she tried to win an Asheville "dream home" giveaway sponsored by (I think) HGTV. She liked that the town is artsy and has lots of fun shops. When Michael and I got to go there last year (courtesy of Kathleen and Matthew!), I told her all about it and especially about the amazing Biltmore Estate. I showed her photos from our tour, and a book detailing the history and architecture of Biltmore House, but really to get the full effect of its grandeur you just have to be there in person. Add to that the fact that my mom hasn't taken a "real" vacation (by which I mean more than a week camping at the coast) in all of my nearly 36 years. She hasn't flown since before I was born! When I realized Michael wouldn't be able to go with me to North Carolina, it didn't take much thought to think of inviting my mom. She can explore the shops and the beautiful downtown area of Asheville while I attend the retreat, and we can both enjoy the luxurious hotel where it's taking place--The Grove Park Inn Resort & Spa, which, from the website looks to be quite chic--http://www.groveparkinn.com/Leisure/

Oh la la! I know my mom will love it--she always says she has champagne tastes on a beer budget. :) I hope she will savor every minute of the luxuriousness of her vacation and realize that treating oneself in such a way needs to happen much more often in life than once every 30-odd years (I am just now realizing this one myself!) :)

The Fertile Soul Foundations Retreat, or Getting to Baby Camp

I have given myself a gift. You could call it many gifts, depending on how you look at it, but I consider the whole thing to be one big gift to myself. Wednesday night I registered for a 4-day, 3-night fertility-enhancing retreat to be held this May in Asheville, North Carolina.

Just a few weeks ago I was pretty much at the end of my rope emotionally-speaking. To say that I felt alone in my struggle with infertility is a massive understatement. I was managing to keep my head above water, but floundering badly. I knew I had to do something to help myself cope with the stress of wanting a baby and not getting a baby or I was not going to make it. So I got online and started looking around to see if there might be an infertility support group in the Portland area. I found one affiliated with RESOLVE which is the national infertility association. The online listing said that the group normally meets the 3rd Tuesday of every month at Good Samaritan hospital in Portland. It starts at 7pm (a half hour after I get off work) and it's less than two miles away. It was perfect. However, once I knew there was a support group available, I tried to reason my way out of going. It would be late when I got home, I would be tired, and maybe I would leave feeling worse than before I went. But all excuses aside, I knew I really needed to talk to some other women going through the same thing, if only to feel less isolated.

So I went to the support group. I was pleased to discover that they offer a lending library, and there was one book that I was drawn to in particular because it describes a natural approach to overcoming infertility. I leafed through it half-heartedly, but decided to take it and read through it at home. Maybe I would find some technique or tip that could help me. What I did find was much more than that. I found a lifeline in a sea of impossibility.

The book is The Infertility Cure by Dr. Randine Lewis. As I read the introduction, in which Randine describes her personal experience with infertility and how she overcame it with acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), I felt a spark of possibility ignite within me. Then I looked at her website (http://www.thefertilesoul.com/), and I knew I had found where I needed to be.

Here was an approach and a philosophy of healing that resonated completely with me. Here was testimonial after testimonial of women who had been told they would never conceive naturally, but did and went on to have healthy children. Here was a team of health care practitioners devoted to helping each woman (and her partner) achieve their maximum state of fertility--and not just physical fertility, but emotional, mental and spiritual fertility as well. It was what I had been looking for but had given up on amidst the clouds of my discouragement.

When I read about the retreats offered several times a year (and led by Randine herself!), I knew that I had to figure out a way to go. The issue then became justifying the cost not only to Michael but to myself as well. I didn't want to spend a few thousand dollars on something I might be able to do on my own, using Randine's book as guidance. Michael's worry was that the endometriosis was too far advanced to be helped by anything short of surgery and he didn't want me to get my hopes up only to be disappointed. I thought about it and thought about it over the next few days. I emailed several women (and 1 man!) who had attended previous retreats to get their honest opinions of the retreats and of the program in general. I asked them if they thought they could have gotten the same results soley from following Randine's recommendations in her book. One woman said she posed my question to her husband and he said that it would not have been nearly as effective. All of the replies I received were heartfelt and joyfully affirmative. "Go, if you can," they all said, "You won't believe how it will change you."

I exchanged emails with one of the program's staff members who assured me that Randine has worked extensively with endometriosis throughout her career. She told me that I would be evaluated and a specific herbal treatment plan would be created for me to address the symptoms I exhibit which TCM considers to be imbalances in the system. Remove the imbalances, and health is restored. After dealing with this condition for nearly 20 years now, it would be worth it to me if just the endometriosis could be resolved--even if I wasn't able to get pregnant naturally. Just feeling better would be gift enough. A baby would be (will be!) frosting on the cake!

I finally decided that this is just something I have to do and that is that. I have to take a leap of faith and follow what I feel is right. Part of the reason I have been discouraged is that I felt like I failed at all of the natural remedies I have tried in the past and that my only option now is surgery to remove the endometriosis and increase my chances of conceiving. A doctor I saw in 2008 wanted to operate right away and something in me kept saying "No, this isn't the way. This is not the way for you."

But if I am honest with myself, a large part of the reason I wasn't successful before with my natural approach could be because I gave up too soon. I dabbled in acupuncture, dabbled in abdominal massage and followed dietary restrictions for endometriosis to increase my fertility but resented every minute of it. And then I got angry--I used what I saw as the unfairness of my situation as an excuse to quit early.

The message that Randine's book has finally driven home to me is that natural medicine isn't a quick fix, but it does work. But I have to be willing to make what may feel like some uncomfortable changes in all aspects of my life. I have to let go of my anger and my self-pity and my struggle against what life has offered me so far. I have to do my part in helping nature help me heal, and that means I have to let go of my excuses--too tired, too sad, too difficult, etc. This is the gift I am giving myself--this one last shot at helping my body heal and conceive on its own. I am devoting myself to religiously following every guideline that Randine's healthcare team gives me when I am evaluated at the retreat. If I can do that, I will be happy knowing that I have truly done all I can.

No News Is Good News

Or so I am thinking. Since I haven't heard from my doctor about last week's ultrasound, I am guessing there is nothing urgent about its results. That is one good thing!

The other good thing is that I have an appointment on Monday to have blood work done--not good in the sense that I am looking forward to it or anything, but good that I got on the ball and scheduled my appointment today. Soon I'll know my current levels of hormones, white and red blood cells, etc. For a procrastinator like me, making the appointment only a week after getting the lab order is a pretty big deal. :)

The Ultrasound

I went in on Friday for my pelvic ultrasound and was excited and curious to see what had been happening inside my body since the last one back in 2007. The technician was very professional and very kind. She instructed me on how to prepare for the exam, then told me that she would let me know what she was seeing as she saw it, but that of course the final diagnosis would be up to my doctor. I was pretty excited to be able to get some information right away instead of having to wait several days for the official report. The last time I had an ultrasound, the technician was wary of revealing any information. While I understand not wanting to either give someone false hope or upset them for no good reason, I felt like I was prepared enough to handle whatever she told me.

I lay on my back and kept my eyes glued to the monitor that showed pictures of my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes. In truth it all just looked like black and white smudges that changed shape as the technician moved the probe, but when she pointed out my cervix and then my uterus I felt such a sense of wonder at the miracles of both modern technology and the human body. To think that I was at that moment seeing a picture of the space where one day my baby might grow. Amazing.

The technician busied herself with measuring and snapping pictures of different images but talked to me as she did so. "We'll start with your uterus and go from there. Oh that looks good. You have a nice thickness to your endometrium (lining of the uterus) that corresponds to where you are in your cycle. That black part there is just some free-floating fluid in your abdomen, and this here looks to me like a simple cyst. But this--this looks very much like an endometrioma on your left ovary and another one here."

She moved the probe around some more and took more measurements and more pictures. I watched what looked like a dotted line move across a big portion of the screen as she locked the measurements into place. Just how big were these endometriomas anyway? "Now let's look at your right ovary." She tilted the probe and began measuring again. "It looks like there's another endometrioma hanging off the side of the ovary here. I can't quite tell what this part here is--could be incorporating part of the fallopian tube too." My heart dropped when she said those words because in the last test, it had only been my left ovary that showed signs of an endometrioma; my right ovary had been unaffected as had both of my fallopian tubes.

She finished up the test by telling me that my uterus looked fine (yay!) but that I seemed to have several endometrioma-like growths affecting both my ovaries. She left the room and while I dressed, I looked at the string of photos coming out of the machine. They were the same type of photos expectant parents get after they have an ultrasound of their developing baby. Instead of showing a tiny profile or hands and feet, these photos showed tissue that should be growing inside the uterus--not outside it on my other reproductive organs. I gathered my things and met the technician in the hallway. "I'll put these photos on the doctor's desk right away and she'll contact you." I thanked her and left, going over her words in my mind. Did she see something that looked more worrisome than endometriosis? Was that concern in her face or pity? Or was I imagining there was anything there other than professional courtesy?

I should hear from the doctor sometime this week.