The Fertile Soul Foundations Retreat, or Getting to Baby Camp

I have given myself a gift. You could call it many gifts, depending on how you look at it, but I consider the whole thing to be one big gift to myself. Wednesday night I registered for a 4-day, 3-night fertility-enhancing retreat to be held this May in Asheville, North Carolina.

Just a few weeks ago I was pretty much at the end of my rope emotionally-speaking. To say that I felt alone in my struggle with infertility is a massive understatement. I was managing to keep my head above water, but floundering badly. I knew I had to do something to help myself cope with the stress of wanting a baby and not getting a baby or I was not going to make it. So I got online and started looking around to see if there might be an infertility support group in the Portland area. I found one affiliated with RESOLVE which is the national infertility association. The online listing said that the group normally meets the 3rd Tuesday of every month at Good Samaritan hospital in Portland. It starts at 7pm (a half hour after I get off work) and it's less than two miles away. It was perfect. However, once I knew there was a support group available, I tried to reason my way out of going. It would be late when I got home, I would be tired, and maybe I would leave feeling worse than before I went. But all excuses aside, I knew I really needed to talk to some other women going through the same thing, if only to feel less isolated.

So I went to the support group. I was pleased to discover that they offer a lending library, and there was one book that I was drawn to in particular because it describes a natural approach to overcoming infertility. I leafed through it half-heartedly, but decided to take it and read through it at home. Maybe I would find some technique or tip that could help me. What I did find was much more than that. I found a lifeline in a sea of impossibility.

The book is The Infertility Cure by Dr. Randine Lewis. As I read the introduction, in which Randine describes her personal experience with infertility and how she overcame it with acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), I felt a spark of possibility ignite within me. Then I looked at her website (http://www.thefertilesoul.com/), and I knew I had found where I needed to be.

Here was an approach and a philosophy of healing that resonated completely with me. Here was testimonial after testimonial of women who had been told they would never conceive naturally, but did and went on to have healthy children. Here was a team of health care practitioners devoted to helping each woman (and her partner) achieve their maximum state of fertility--and not just physical fertility, but emotional, mental and spiritual fertility as well. It was what I had been looking for but had given up on amidst the clouds of my discouragement.

When I read about the retreats offered several times a year (and led by Randine herself!), I knew that I had to figure out a way to go. The issue then became justifying the cost not only to Michael but to myself as well. I didn't want to spend a few thousand dollars on something I might be able to do on my own, using Randine's book as guidance. Michael's worry was that the endometriosis was too far advanced to be helped by anything short of surgery and he didn't want me to get my hopes up only to be disappointed. I thought about it and thought about it over the next few days. I emailed several women (and 1 man!) who had attended previous retreats to get their honest opinions of the retreats and of the program in general. I asked them if they thought they could have gotten the same results soley from following Randine's recommendations in her book. One woman said she posed my question to her husband and he said that it would not have been nearly as effective. All of the replies I received were heartfelt and joyfully affirmative. "Go, if you can," they all said, "You won't believe how it will change you."

I exchanged emails with one of the program's staff members who assured me that Randine has worked extensively with endometriosis throughout her career. She told me that I would be evaluated and a specific herbal treatment plan would be created for me to address the symptoms I exhibit which TCM considers to be imbalances in the system. Remove the imbalances, and health is restored. After dealing with this condition for nearly 20 years now, it would be worth it to me if just the endometriosis could be resolved--even if I wasn't able to get pregnant naturally. Just feeling better would be gift enough. A baby would be (will be!) frosting on the cake!

I finally decided that this is just something I have to do and that is that. I have to take a leap of faith and follow what I feel is right. Part of the reason I have been discouraged is that I felt like I failed at all of the natural remedies I have tried in the past and that my only option now is surgery to remove the endometriosis and increase my chances of conceiving. A doctor I saw in 2008 wanted to operate right away and something in me kept saying "No, this isn't the way. This is not the way for you."

But if I am honest with myself, a large part of the reason I wasn't successful before with my natural approach could be because I gave up too soon. I dabbled in acupuncture, dabbled in abdominal massage and followed dietary restrictions for endometriosis to increase my fertility but resented every minute of it. And then I got angry--I used what I saw as the unfairness of my situation as an excuse to quit early.

The message that Randine's book has finally driven home to me is that natural medicine isn't a quick fix, but it does work. But I have to be willing to make what may feel like some uncomfortable changes in all aspects of my life. I have to let go of my anger and my self-pity and my struggle against what life has offered me so far. I have to do my part in helping nature help me heal, and that means I have to let go of my excuses--too tired, too sad, too difficult, etc. This is the gift I am giving myself--this one last shot at helping my body heal and conceive on its own. I am devoting myself to religiously following every guideline that Randine's healthcare team gives me when I am evaluated at the retreat. If I can do that, I will be happy knowing that I have truly done all I can.