What I Learned . . .

After a whirlwind trip to Asheville and the surrounding area, I am back at home in Oregon and trying to process all that I learned.

I think that the biggest and most important thing I learned while I was at the retreat is that Chinese medicine and acupuncture is not a quick fix. I "knew" this before I left, but I think I only knew it in my head, not my heart. I learned a lot of things in my heart this past weekend.

One of the other things I learned (and maybe this is the one that took me the most by surprise) is that I have to put in the work on myself that I have "known" I need to do for years now, but have pushed away because I didn't want to put that much time and effort into myself--and maybe also because I was afraid to look too closely within for what I might find there. The reason I knew I needed to do this--really, finally, do it this time and not just keep talking about it--is because my daughter told me to do it.

I've always felt very strongly that I will have a daughter, so that is what I assume our first child will be, although I could very well be wrong--if I am, hopefully the little boy won't be too upset at being referred to as a girl! :) Even though this child is not yet here in physical form, I talk to her often and try to bring her image into my life as much as possible. I've given her a nickname and I keep it posted at work where I see it often during the day.

I decided to talk to her Saturday night, as I was lying awake in bed, thinking about all of the things we had talked about that day during the retreat. I was practicing the deep breathing exercise we'd been taught, and trying to figure out why I felt unhappy instead of excited like the others in my group. I asked her what she needed in order to come into my life, and what she said was simple and drove straight to my core: I need you to take care of yourself.

I knew at once that this was the reason I wasn't feeling happy . . . we'd been talking about the mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of infertility that day, and how they all tie in to the physical condition itself, whatever that may be. And I knew that she was right. I have never felt completely at ease with myself, "comfortable in my own skin" as the saying goes. I've always wished I was different somehow--more outgoing, more vibrant, more accomplished, etc. What I've realized is that I like parts of myself, but not all of myself, and in order to be the kind of mother I want to be, I need that to change.

So that was a huge wake-up call to me and I spent much of the rest of the retreat delving into those thoughts and feelings I want to change--not an easy process, but much-needed, and I know, in the end, indispensable.

Randine said something during the retreat that struck me as quite profound. She said that this Fertile Soul program with all of its varied tools isn't intended to be used just for conceiving and having babies; rather, it's meant to be a way of living one's life and I see what she means. It's meant to be a way to open up to life and to live authentically, seeing all of the damaged and broken parts of ourselves as just as "good" as all the rest.

I like that.

I'll keep you posted on my progress. More on the actual structure of the retreat itself later.