Surfacing--Again

My period started Saturday while we were camping at the beach with our friends. It's the first one I've had since beginning the herbs and while I wasn't expecting a miracle, I think I was hoping for a dramatic decrease in pain, as well as a return to a 28 day cycle. I did experience some changes, but unfortunately, neither of those two things was among them.

Some months I have what I call a "bad" period, by which I mean an hour or two of extremely intense symptoms that make me feel like I am going to die--literally die. The first time I had one of these episodes was when I was 16 and since it was so bad (and none of us had any idea what was wrong), my mom ended up taking me to the emergency room. Since being off of birth control, I have the episodes sporadically. Sometimes there are 4 or 5 months when I just have regular menstrual cramping without most of the other symptoms of my episodes. But I had a "bad" period in June and now again in July.

I find that if I start taking advil or ibuprofen early on during my period, I can usually avoid the really horrible symptoms (nausea with and without vomiting, diarrhea, sweating, feeling faint and of course severe cramping that feels like someone's hand is gripping my uterus and squeezing mercilessly). I have to really stay on top of the pain and keep popping the pills or the symptoms can get the better of me. I even set my alarm during the night so I can take more advil and make sure I stay ahead of everything.

Something I noticed that was different about this period was that I had little or no warning before I was running for the bathroom, doubled over in pain. It hit fast and hard and I spent a good hour just trying to breathe and get through it. I was shocked by the intensity of what I was feeling--the cramps felt like little knives running me through over and over. And, honestly, I felt more than a little betrayed.

I felt like my period should be improved because of the herbs and the other things I am doing and taking to help with the endometriosis. So I felt betrayed, disappointed and angry--very, very angry. (As a side note, anger is something that I have noticed feeling a whole lot lately--especially the week leading up to my period. This really is not like me, and I am chalking it up to hormonal changes from the herbs, but who knows?). I felt angry even though the quiet voice in my head kept telling me that it has only been 1 month and the Fertile Soul folks said I had to give it at least 3 months before deciding that it wasn't working. And it wasn't like I didn't see changes; the biggest change I have noticed during this period is the decrease in the amount of clots, which is a very, very good thing.

When I got home from the beach yesterday, I talked with my friend Eileen, who is also taking herbs and doing other "natural" things to conceive. She also has endometriosis, so she understands everything I am feeling. We talked and she encouraged me gently, in just the way I needed, not to expect too much too soon. I think that a big part of my disappointment stems from the expectations I have every month--I always feel like maybe this is the month that it will happen and I will get pregnant; then when my period begins I am devastated. So I think I may focus on not getting pregnant for a few months . . . what I think I will do instead is just focus on healing my body and preparing it. Maybe if I really have no expectations of conceiving, my emotions will be on more of an even keel and I'll be happier, and therefore healthier than if I were riding the PMS roller coaster.

Eileen's suggestion last night was that I take extra good care of myself during my period and that I do a castor oil pack to help with the endometriosis. I did castor oil packs a couple of years ago for awhile, but stopped when I gave up on all of the things I was doing to conceive naturally. Randine recommends using them in The Infertility Cure, and before I went on the retreat I bought a new bottle of castor oil as well as a fresh piece of muslin in preparation of resuming the practice.

The packs are simple to make and use, but are messy and require some time being still. You saturate the muslin (flannel works too) with oil and place it across the area you want to heal. Plastic wrap goes on top of that, followed by a heating pad. Then you leave it on for 30-60 minutes. The muslin can be stored in a plastic bag and reused over and over for several months, adding more oil as needed to keep the muslin saturated.

I don't think it's known exactly how the packs work, but it's thought that the heat in combination with some property of the castor oil helps decrease inflammation in the body. Castor oil packs boost the immune system and aid in tissue repair. I read an article about them and was surprised to learn that they are used to help with arthritis, gallstones, stomach cramps, constipation, and even things like carpal tunnel syndrome & joint sprains--crazy!

So I did a castor oil pack before bed last night and felt oddly comforted--maybe it was from the heating pad, but maybe it was because I was nurturing myself. Either way, I'll take it. :)

I'm off now to do another pack before bed tonight. Thanks for listening.