Surrender

Thursday I had acupuncture with Lee again, but my session didn't go quite as well as the first one.  We talked for awhile before the treatment and I updated her on everything to do with our IVF cycle.  She put in the needles and left me to relax on the table for awhile.  Right before she came back in I started getting a headache on the left side of my head.  It was getting quite strong by the time she came in and I told her about it.  She said it meant it was time for the needles to come out.  After she took them out, I touched my head where one of the needles had been and there was a pretty good-sized area of swelling.  She felt it and said it was a hematoma and was probably from nicking a blood vessel with the needle by accident.  I think she said that the drugs are probably making my blood thinner, hence the bleeding.  She pushed on the hematoma to force the blood out of the area and make the swelling go down.  Lee assured me that it was fine and nothing to worry about, but I left with a fairly decent headache that managed to hang on into the next morning--it kind of put a damper on the relaxation I normally get from my acupuncture sessions, but I went home and slept well so at least there was that.

The next morning I woke up with the headache still there and a slight queasy feeling that I noticed most when I was sitting in the waiting room at OHSU for my appointment.  I didn't get as good of news as with Tuesday's appointment--not bad news, but not great news.  Dr. Patton did my ultrasound and wasn't really clear in communicating to me what he was seeing.  I'd say Dr. Amato is better at that.  Dr. Patton talked to the medical assistant during the whole procedure, pointing out the cysts and then reading off numbers.  This led me to believe that I had new cysts that had formed from the drugs.  It made me nervous but I held my questions until he was done.  It turns out there are no new cysts--what he was measuring were my follicles.  There is one good-sized follicle (11mm), but the others hadn't grown much since Tuesday's appointment.  I was disappointed because he wasn't able to tell me much; he said that I just need to keep on with the meds and that he would be able to tell more after my blood work came back.  When they called yesterday afternoon, the news was the same: stay on the same meds dosage and come back on Monday for another ultrasound and blood test.

I had acupuncture this morning with Jelena and she did some "stim" points where she runs an electric current through the needles.  It's a buzzing, vibrating sensation that is oddly relaxing.  Jelena's goal was to bring blood to my ovaries and help feed the follicles so they grow.  And I did feel some stirring sensations around my left ovary while I was having the treatment, so I'm taking that as a good sign that the follicles were getting the boost they needed.

Up until yesterday, I had been feeling pretty okay emotionally while on the injectables.  One of my fears in going on them was that I would feel like I did on the Clomid--cranky, irritable, angry and definitely not myself.  I think that some of that has started while on these drugs.  Yesterday everything and everyone was irritating me and I had an enormous sense of anger flooding my veins.  Today started off better, but as the day has progressed, it's gotten worse.  I hope when I go in on Monday they'll tell me the retrieval will be this week because I don't want to keep feeling like this.

For now, I meditate and do qigong when I feel up to it, do reiki on my ovaries, visualize the follicles growing and the cysts continuing to rest, do the restorative yoga postures that bring blood to my ovaries, listen to my IVF meditation and listen to music that helps ease my heart.  Lately it's been Elton John and Natalie Merchant.

Jelena gave me some good advice today--she said all I can do now is surrender to the process.  Despite all my best efforts (see above), ultimately I cannot control the outcome of this cycle.  My head understands and knows this to be true; my heart does not.  Still, I must surrender and let my body do its work, as best as it can.  I repeat these words in my head, "Surrender, release, let go.  Surrender, release, let go."  Jelena said to try, as much as I can, to not have any expectations when I go in on Monday.

But how can you not, when it matters so much?