Two Thursdays ago I was lucky enough to snag a couple hours of time away from a very busy lady: Jennifer Taylor Childress. She is a midwife with her own homebirth practice on the Oregon coast, whom I met when I was a doula at the birth of my friend Kathleen's son, Jackson. Jennifer was one of the student midwives in attendance at the birth, and I was so struck by her calm energy and nurturing manner that I knew if I ever got lucky enough to get pregnant, she would be my first choice as caregiver.
We met for at Pizzicato's in Beaverton and chatted over pizza and panini. I tried to give a fairly brief synopsis of the events of this pregnancy and explained that we are still deciding where to give birth to our little boy. It looks more and more like it will be a hospital birth, and in that case, I really want to have a doula . . . correction, I really want to have Jennifer as my doula. :) I think it will be a lot easier for me to be in a setting that is not my first choice, if I have someone there with me during labor whom I know, trust and have chosen to be with me. What will be great is that potentially I will have two midwives with me--the CNM from the hospital and Jennifer, although Jennifer will be acting as my doula. Still--I'll have two women attending me who believe in birth as a safe, natural event and I know that will help me tremendously.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Eileen's Baby Party
I got to go to Eileen's shower on December 10th. :) The countdown to baby is fast approaching and I think celebrating with friends & family (and especially receiving all those sweet baby gifts) really brought the reality of the coming baby home for her. I'm sure it will be that way for me too at my shower.
The party was held at her sister's very cute house (which I totally loved) on the east side of Portland. Eileen's mom and aunt had flown in from back east to be there, and she had a great group of friends there too. The atmosphere was light and relaxed with all of us sitting or standing around in groups chatting, sipping on "signature drinks" (mine was sparkling pink lemonade in a champagne flute with two raspberries on the bottom of the glass) and sampling some of the many goodies whipped up by family and friends.
There was a very yummy salad of mixed greens with pomegranate seeds and satsuma wedges. I am totally stealing the recipe because I thought the flavors were so good together. And the red seeds added a holiday vibe to the salad. There was baked brie, pear and apple slices, finger sandwiches, cute little cupcakes made by Eileen's sister, and really cute "Santa" treats brought by a friend. They consisted of a small square of brownie, a layer of whip cream, then a strawberry, topped off with more whip cream. SO cute!
After everyone had snacked a bit, Eileen opened her gifts. She and her husband (and their little one), got a lot of nice things which I was so happy about because they really deserve to be pampered. The big things they got were a BOB stroller (looks so cool--like the cadillac of strollers!) and an infant carseat, which was the one thing that I think made everything very real for Eileen. I'm sure she looked at it and in her mind's eye saw her little one nestled inside. :)
No games were played (which I was totally okay with) but something that we were all asked to bring if we wanted and which I thought was a great idea, were cute baby socks and a favorite book. The socks were strung on a ribbon like a garland, and were clipped on with tiny clothespins. Adorable. Everyone brought a book and I don't think Eileen got any duplicates, even though she has been working on building the baby's library for awhile now. I took "The Snowy Day," by Ezra Jack Keats, which was one of my favorites when I was little. I had a red snowsuit with a hood--just like the little boy in the book. :)
I know it was a very special day for Eileen, celebrating with her family and friends. And in only a very short time now, we will all be welcoming her baby into the world.
<3
The party was held at her sister's very cute house (which I totally loved) on the east side of Portland. Eileen's mom and aunt had flown in from back east to be there, and she had a great group of friends there too. The atmosphere was light and relaxed with all of us sitting or standing around in groups chatting, sipping on "signature drinks" (mine was sparkling pink lemonade in a champagne flute with two raspberries on the bottom of the glass) and sampling some of the many goodies whipped up by family and friends.
There was a very yummy salad of mixed greens with pomegranate seeds and satsuma wedges. I am totally stealing the recipe because I thought the flavors were so good together. And the red seeds added a holiday vibe to the salad. There was baked brie, pear and apple slices, finger sandwiches, cute little cupcakes made by Eileen's sister, and really cute "Santa" treats brought by a friend. They consisted of a small square of brownie, a layer of whip cream, then a strawberry, topped off with more whip cream. SO cute!
After everyone had snacked a bit, Eileen opened her gifts. She and her husband (and their little one), got a lot of nice things which I was so happy about because they really deserve to be pampered. The big things they got were a BOB stroller (looks so cool--like the cadillac of strollers!) and an infant carseat, which was the one thing that I think made everything very real for Eileen. I'm sure she looked at it and in her mind's eye saw her little one nestled inside. :)
No games were played (which I was totally okay with) but something that we were all asked to bring if we wanted and which I thought was a great idea, were cute baby socks and a favorite book. The socks were strung on a ribbon like a garland, and were clipped on with tiny clothespins. Adorable. Everyone brought a book and I don't think Eileen got any duplicates, even though she has been working on building the baby's library for awhile now. I took "The Snowy Day," by Ezra Jack Keats, which was one of my favorites when I was little. I had a red snowsuit with a hood--just like the little boy in the book. :)
I know it was a very special day for Eileen, celebrating with her family and friends. And in only a very short time now, we will all be welcoming her baby into the world.
<3
21 Weeks! (Almost 2 Weeks Ago Now . . . )
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| Okay, so not the best posture in the world, but look at that belly!! :) |
20 Week Appointment & Ultrasound
On Monday it will already be three weeks since we hit the 20 week mark. I guess I have let myself get a little behind with posting updates. :) But to make up for it, I have some ultrasound pictures to go with this post, as I'm sure you are all anxious to see more previews of our little man.
Michael and I ended up waiting about an hour for our appointment to start, which is definitely the longest I have had to wait so far at Dr. Stempel's office. I think they must have been running behind. The plan was for me to see the doctor before the ultrasound, but it turned out that I had the ultrasound first. And since I was instructed to finish drinking 24 oz of fluid a half hour before my scheduled appointment time, you can be sure I was practically bursting at the seams by the time we were taken back.
The ultrasound was quite thorough as it was the 20 week anatomy scan, where they check all of the baby's organs to make sure everything has developped properly and looks to be functioning. The technician first looked at the other twin, who is still there, still enveloped in an intact sac. It has moved down very close to my cervix, and is now between the living baby and the way out. There is also a sac of fluid visible that the doctor guesses is blood and possibly where the spotting has been coming from. He guesses that I will most likely have spotting off and on throughout the rest of the pregnancy. He said I could still "pass" the other twin, and if that happens, it shouldn't affect the living baby at all.
The technician also measured the endometrioma cysts on my ovaries and no one mentioned that they are necessarily bigger than before, so I guess we are doing okay in that department. I'm glad because I have been eating dairy and some red meat while being pregnant, and I've been hoping that it wasn't having a negative effect on the endometriosis.
Our next appointment is at the end of the first week in January. So we are going a whole month without going in . . . progress! :) At the next visit, I will ask the doctor about a referral to a midwife at Emanual, so I can get on board with hopefully having a waterbirth in April.
And now . . . the pictures:
Michael and I ended up waiting about an hour for our appointment to start, which is definitely the longest I have had to wait so far at Dr. Stempel's office. I think they must have been running behind. The plan was for me to see the doctor before the ultrasound, but it turned out that I had the ultrasound first. And since I was instructed to finish drinking 24 oz of fluid a half hour before my scheduled appointment time, you can be sure I was practically bursting at the seams by the time we were taken back.
The ultrasound was quite thorough as it was the 20 week anatomy scan, where they check all of the baby's organs to make sure everything has developped properly and looks to be functioning. The technician first looked at the other twin, who is still there, still enveloped in an intact sac. It has moved down very close to my cervix, and is now between the living baby and the way out. There is also a sac of fluid visible that the doctor guesses is blood and possibly where the spotting has been coming from. He guesses that I will most likely have spotting off and on throughout the rest of the pregnancy. He said I could still "pass" the other twin, and if that happens, it shouldn't affect the living baby at all.
The technician also measured the endometrioma cysts on my ovaries and no one mentioned that they are necessarily bigger than before, so I guess we are doing okay in that department. I'm glad because I have been eating dairy and some red meat while being pregnant, and I've been hoping that it wasn't having a negative effect on the endometriosis.
Our next appointment is at the end of the first week in January. So we are going a whole month without going in . . . progress! :) At the next visit, I will ask the doctor about a referral to a midwife at Emanual, so I can get on board with hopefully having a waterbirth in April.
And now . . . the pictures:
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| Our little man. |
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| My favorite of his hand and face. |
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| Baby boy parts! :) |
Sunday, December 4, 2011
The First Definite Kicks!
I have been feeling the baby "wiggle" now since about week 15, although it's definitely been sporadic. A week or so ago I thought I felt movement under my palm, but thought it could also have just been gas or something.
Yesterday, Michael and I were watching t.v. when I began to feel movement going on. I put my hand over my belly and felt a definite thump against my skin. It was the oddest thing to feel it from the inside and also to feel it on the outside. I grabbed Michael's hand and put it where mine had been and sure enough, we were rewarded with another kick.
Very cool. :) I'm looking forward to feeling the baby move and kick more and more as he gets bigger. I think the trippiest thing will be seeing him move around underneath my skin!
Yesterday, Michael and I were watching t.v. when I began to feel movement going on. I put my hand over my belly and felt a definite thump against my skin. It was the oddest thing to feel it from the inside and also to feel it on the outside. I grabbed Michael's hand and put it where mine had been and sure enough, we were rewarded with another kick.
Very cool. :) I'm looking forward to feeling the baby move and kick more and more as he gets bigger. I think the trippiest thing will be seeing him move around underneath my skin!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
18 Week Appointment
Tuesday Michael and I met with Dr. Stempel for a quick checkup. Since I am still bleeding/spotting, he had offered us the chance to come in after only two weeks instead of the usual four--just to help put my mind more at ease.
I had really hoped that the bleeding would be completely over by now (four weeks after the accident), but it is not. It's been coupled with some premenstrual-like cramping that comes and goes but which I experience nearly every day. I have been trying hard to relax and surrender but it has been pretty rough. As overjoyed as I am to be pregnant, I keep wishing that I felt better and that I were having an "uneventful" pregnancy--one in which I just dealt with morningsickness (which I still have a bit of too) instead of these other things that make it hard for me not to worry.
When I notice my thoughts beginning to spiral around what might happen, I make myself stop and try to visualize our baby coming home from the hospital/birth center. I try to picture what he will look like at 6 months, at 1 year, at two years. I get in bed and read out loud to him from some of my favorite children's books. I think it's still a bit early at this point for him to be able to hear my voice (soon!), but reading to him helps me refocus and point my mind toward what I want instead of what I fear. It helps me feel close to him.
Dr. Stempel's office must have been running somewhat behind on Tuesday because we ended up waiting the longest that we've ever waited. I kept watching women who arrived after me be taken back before me. But no matter. Neither of us were really keen to get in and out because then we would have felt more obligated to go back to work. If our 2:45pm appointment took longer than, say, an hour for us to be out the door, we were planning on just going home afterward.
Renee finally came to get us around 3:15 or so and led us back to our usual examining room. First up was checking my weight which came in at 137 pounds--down a pound from our last visit. She didn't remark on it, so it must have been fine. My blood pressure was a little higher than I remember it being last time, although I only remember the top number (120). Usually it is quite a bit lower than that but I was probably also amped up about the visit.
I had asked Michael to help me remember to ask for the information packet about Emanuel, since if we decide on a hospital birth, that is where we will go. Renee must have been reading my mind because she asked if we had decided yet on where we wanted to have the baby. She gave us a spiral bound notebook full of facts and forms to fill out which Michael started checking out right away.
When Dr. Stempel came in, he asked how things were going, but didn't seem overly concerned when I told him about the bleeding and that sometimes it has more pink or red in it than dark brown. He went right to work measuring my womb and said that I've grown 4 cm since our last visit two weeks ago. That was really good to hear. Then he used the Doppler to find the baby's heartbeat and we heard it again, loud and strong. It almost sounded faster to me than before but he said it was 145 beats per minute, which is normal.
That was it for the checkup. I asked him again about the bleeding and cramping but he basically repeated what he'd told me last time: that it would be better if I wasn't experiencing those things, but that some women do and most of the time it turns out okay for mom and baby. Sometimes it doesn't. I asked if I should be restricting my activity and he said that I probably already am (yes), but that he doesn't think going on bedrest would improve my chances and that I would probably feel better to continue the activities I have been doing (mostly just working).
I left feeling somewhat discouraged. Maybe I am worrying more than I should be. I tried to explain to Michael how hard it is not to worry when I feel so awful most of the time, and when I have the constant reminder of the bleeding every time I use the bathroom, which is a lot. I told him that I think it is easier not to worry when the baby is not growing inside of you.
So we go back in two weeks for the 20 week appointment. We'll have the anatomy ultrasound to check on the baby's organ development, placement of the placenta, amniotic fluid level, etc. I am looking forward to seeing my sweet boy again, to finding out that everything is still progressing just fine, and to hopefully getting one or two more ultrasound pictures.
If you could please continue to pray for us (and especially me, I think at this point), I would really, really appreciate it. I need to somehow find some peace over this situation where I feel I have so little control.
Thank you, as always. <3
I had really hoped that the bleeding would be completely over by now (four weeks after the accident), but it is not. It's been coupled with some premenstrual-like cramping that comes and goes but which I experience nearly every day. I have been trying hard to relax and surrender but it has been pretty rough. As overjoyed as I am to be pregnant, I keep wishing that I felt better and that I were having an "uneventful" pregnancy--one in which I just dealt with morningsickness (which I still have a bit of too) instead of these other things that make it hard for me not to worry.
When I notice my thoughts beginning to spiral around what might happen, I make myself stop and try to visualize our baby coming home from the hospital/birth center. I try to picture what he will look like at 6 months, at 1 year, at two years. I get in bed and read out loud to him from some of my favorite children's books. I think it's still a bit early at this point for him to be able to hear my voice (soon!), but reading to him helps me refocus and point my mind toward what I want instead of what I fear. It helps me feel close to him.
Dr. Stempel's office must have been running somewhat behind on Tuesday because we ended up waiting the longest that we've ever waited. I kept watching women who arrived after me be taken back before me. But no matter. Neither of us were really keen to get in and out because then we would have felt more obligated to go back to work. If our 2:45pm appointment took longer than, say, an hour for us to be out the door, we were planning on just going home afterward.
Renee finally came to get us around 3:15 or so and led us back to our usual examining room. First up was checking my weight which came in at 137 pounds--down a pound from our last visit. She didn't remark on it, so it must have been fine. My blood pressure was a little higher than I remember it being last time, although I only remember the top number (120). Usually it is quite a bit lower than that but I was probably also amped up about the visit.
I had asked Michael to help me remember to ask for the information packet about Emanuel, since if we decide on a hospital birth, that is where we will go. Renee must have been reading my mind because she asked if we had decided yet on where we wanted to have the baby. She gave us a spiral bound notebook full of facts and forms to fill out which Michael started checking out right away.
When Dr. Stempel came in, he asked how things were going, but didn't seem overly concerned when I told him about the bleeding and that sometimes it has more pink or red in it than dark brown. He went right to work measuring my womb and said that I've grown 4 cm since our last visit two weeks ago. That was really good to hear. Then he used the Doppler to find the baby's heartbeat and we heard it again, loud and strong. It almost sounded faster to me than before but he said it was 145 beats per minute, which is normal.
That was it for the checkup. I asked him again about the bleeding and cramping but he basically repeated what he'd told me last time: that it would be better if I wasn't experiencing those things, but that some women do and most of the time it turns out okay for mom and baby. Sometimes it doesn't. I asked if I should be restricting my activity and he said that I probably already am (yes), but that he doesn't think going on bedrest would improve my chances and that I would probably feel better to continue the activities I have been doing (mostly just working).
I left feeling somewhat discouraged. Maybe I am worrying more than I should be. I tried to explain to Michael how hard it is not to worry when I feel so awful most of the time, and when I have the constant reminder of the bleeding every time I use the bathroom, which is a lot. I told him that I think it is easier not to worry when the baby is not growing inside of you.
So we go back in two weeks for the 20 week appointment. We'll have the anatomy ultrasound to check on the baby's organ development, placement of the placenta, amniotic fluid level, etc. I am looking forward to seeing my sweet boy again, to finding out that everything is still progressing just fine, and to hopefully getting one or two more ultrasound pictures.
If you could please continue to pray for us (and especially me, I think at this point), I would really, really appreciate it. I need to somehow find some peace over this situation where I feel I have so little control.
Thank you, as always. <3
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Congratulations to US! (Soon-To-Be-Mamas Who Never Gave Up)
Last night Michael and I met Eileen and her husband Paul at a wonderful little hole-in-the-wall French bistro called Chez Machin. It's in SE Portland on Hawthorne right across from the Dosha spa where Eileen and I got pedicures back in April--just as she was getting ready to start her IVF cycle. That day we were looking for a good lunch place and thought we'd try Chez Machin. I loved it and not just because of the whole French thing. :) They have crepes (both savory and sweet) and they not only have crepes, but they have gluten-free crepes. Heaven.
For awhile now Eileen and I have been saying that we need to do something to celebrate getting pregnant--to recognize just how much of an accomplishment that is for us and everything we did (and are still doing) to get to this point. My first thought was to have a huge party, inviting everyone we know, play loud upbeat music and try to convey our joy to everyone that way. Eileen's thought was that we might enjoy ourselves more by having a small couples dinner where I could finally meet Paul and she could meet Michael. The more I thought about it, the more I liked her idea better than mine. After all, no one of our friends and family (as much as they love and support us) would really understand why we wanted to celebrate getting pregnant. It would more than likely turn into a sort of baby shower, with lots of attention focused on those little loves growing in our bellies--which would be okay too, and which we are both looking forward to at our respective showers--but what we most wanted was a chance to sit back, take a breath and say, "Wow, we really did it. Can you believe it?" We wanted to marvel at the miracle that is not only growing a baby in your belly for nine months, but the fact that that baby ever came into existence at all. Because believe me, I am quite sure we would not be where we are now had we not both taken the IVF gamble and gotten very, very lucky.
We had the most wonderful dinner together, chatting and laughing for close to three hours. Lucky for us, it is a French restaurant and they seem to follow the French philosophy that a really good meal with friends should last several hours. The vibe would have been way different if we'd felt rushed to finish our meal and vacate our table for whomever might be waiting. As it was, we got a nice cozy table in the back, which is actually a covered patio with space heaters placed strategically here and there so customers don't freeze their hineys off.
We all began our meal with soup (they had pea and I had French onion) and a toast with sparkling cider. I'd called earlier in the day to make a reservation and asked if it would be okay to bring a bottle of cider since Eileen and I wouldn't be able to indulge in wine. The manager was very kind to say it was totally fine and that they wouldn't even charge us a corking fee. The cider certainly added to the celebratory mood. I loved it.
Next came our main courses which were savory crepes for Paul, Michael and me, and ravioli for Eileen. My crepe was amazing . . . a folded square loaded with tomatoes, avocado, mushrooms, mozzarella, ham and a red pepper coulis on the side as a dressing. I was only able to eat about half of it because I wanted to save room for dessert.
And OH the dessert . . . my friends, if you are local, or if you ever have the chance to eat (or make) a crepe sucree (sweet crepe), please, please do so. You won't be disappointed. The one that was the hands-down favorite at our table was called "La Delice." It was a crepe filled with raspberry jam, vanilla custard and nutella. It was so, so, so good. I can't even put it into words. We also got "La Mont Blanc" which was a crepe stuffed with mixed local berries, chocolate and whipped cream. AND we got a side of vanilla bean ice cream to share. And then to make it even better, the first La Delice that the waitress brought was mistakenly made with a regular crepe instead of a gluten-free one . . . she came back and told us the mistake just as I put the first bite into my mouth. But no matter. She offered to whip us up another one tout de suite and said we could even keep the "mistake" for our trouble. Eileen, Paul and Michael gobbled it right up. :)
After we'd practically licked the dessert plates clean, we talked a bit more and then decided to call it a night--but not before taking pictures of the two pregnant ladies, to commemorate a most momentous event in all of our lives.
We did it. Not without tears, not without frustration, not without jealousy or overwhelming heartache.
But we did it.
And that is the most important thing.
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| Me and Eileen--18 weeks and 30 weeks |
For awhile now Eileen and I have been saying that we need to do something to celebrate getting pregnant--to recognize just how much of an accomplishment that is for us and everything we did (and are still doing) to get to this point. My first thought was to have a huge party, inviting everyone we know, play loud upbeat music and try to convey our joy to everyone that way. Eileen's thought was that we might enjoy ourselves more by having a small couples dinner where I could finally meet Paul and she could meet Michael. The more I thought about it, the more I liked her idea better than mine. After all, no one of our friends and family (as much as they love and support us) would really understand why we wanted to celebrate getting pregnant. It would more than likely turn into a sort of baby shower, with lots of attention focused on those little loves growing in our bellies--which would be okay too, and which we are both looking forward to at our respective showers--but what we most wanted was a chance to sit back, take a breath and say, "Wow, we really did it. Can you believe it?" We wanted to marvel at the miracle that is not only growing a baby in your belly for nine months, but the fact that that baby ever came into existence at all. Because believe me, I am quite sure we would not be where we are now had we not both taken the IVF gamble and gotten very, very lucky.
We had the most wonderful dinner together, chatting and laughing for close to three hours. Lucky for us, it is a French restaurant and they seem to follow the French philosophy that a really good meal with friends should last several hours. The vibe would have been way different if we'd felt rushed to finish our meal and vacate our table for whomever might be waiting. As it was, we got a nice cozy table in the back, which is actually a covered patio with space heaters placed strategically here and there so customers don't freeze their hineys off.
We all began our meal with soup (they had pea and I had French onion) and a toast with sparkling cider. I'd called earlier in the day to make a reservation and asked if it would be okay to bring a bottle of cider since Eileen and I wouldn't be able to indulge in wine. The manager was very kind to say it was totally fine and that they wouldn't even charge us a corking fee. The cider certainly added to the celebratory mood. I loved it.
Next came our main courses which were savory crepes for Paul, Michael and me, and ravioli for Eileen. My crepe was amazing . . . a folded square loaded with tomatoes, avocado, mushrooms, mozzarella, ham and a red pepper coulis on the side as a dressing. I was only able to eat about half of it because I wanted to save room for dessert.
And OH the dessert . . . my friends, if you are local, or if you ever have the chance to eat (or make) a crepe sucree (sweet crepe), please, please do so. You won't be disappointed. The one that was the hands-down favorite at our table was called "La Delice." It was a crepe filled with raspberry jam, vanilla custard and nutella. It was so, so, so good. I can't even put it into words. We also got "La Mont Blanc" which was a crepe stuffed with mixed local berries, chocolate and whipped cream. AND we got a side of vanilla bean ice cream to share. And then to make it even better, the first La Delice that the waitress brought was mistakenly made with a regular crepe instead of a gluten-free one . . . she came back and told us the mistake just as I put the first bite into my mouth. But no matter. She offered to whip us up another one tout de suite and said we could even keep the "mistake" for our trouble. Eileen, Paul and Michael gobbled it right up. :)
After we'd practically licked the dessert plates clean, we talked a bit more and then decided to call it a night--but not before taking pictures of the two pregnant ladies, to commemorate a most momentous event in all of our lives.
We did it. Not without tears, not without frustration, not without jealousy or overwhelming heartache.
But we did it.
And that is the most important thing.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Prenatal Visit at 16 Weeks
Last Tuesday we had a check-up with Dr. Stempel. It was the regular 16-week appointment we'd had scheduled before the car accident happened. His assistant Renee (I really like her), measured my weight (138--up four pounds from two weeks ago!) and took my blood pressure (normal). When the doctor came in, he talked to me about how things have been going since the accident. I told him that I'm concerned about the spotting that hasn't decreased and if anything has picked up a bit. It's still "old" blood though, which isn't as worrying as if it was bright red. Dr. Stempel said he doesn't know where it's coming from, although he is guessing that it's from one of my blood vessels that was going to the other twin's placenta. When the placenta dislodged from the wall of the uterus, it may have broken a vessel and caused the bleeding. Or it could have pooled up behind the placenta when I was bleeding so much right after the accident and is now making its way out of my body. He told me that he's had about 100 women in his 35-year career who have spotted or bled during their second or third trimesters and most of them have gone on to have their babies with no problems. In a few cases, things didn't work out, but in most they did. I know he has to tell me that--that it doesn't always work out--but it didn't help to give me the reassurance I was hoping for. He did say he has a feeling that I'll be alright (and baby too!), so I am trying to focus on that and remember that I am doing the very best I can. And that little heartbeat is so strong! It gives me hope that he is going to hang in there.
Dr. Stempel checked the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler and measured the length of my womb with an instrument that reminded me of a compass. I asked if he'd found out any more information on the possibility of a waterbirth at Emanuel. He grinned mischievously, like he'd had a feeling I was going to bring that up again. :) There are some waterbirths happening at the hospital, but mainly the certified nurse-midwives are doing them. He said he's not really comfortable agreeing to help me with a waterbirth since he's never attended one and he's not sure if his partners would be comfortable stepping in if he wasn't available. What he said next surprised me though, as the first time I'd asked him about it, he'd said he didn't think it was a good idea. He said that as I get closer to my duedate and am still a candidate for waterbirth (there are certain criteria to meet), he would refer me to a midwife who could attend me at the hospital. The surprising thing was that he said he would be happy to co-manage my pregnancy if that happened, and be available to step in should the need arise to help with more "traditional means," as he put it. I was happy to hear that because I do like Dr. Stempel, and I think it would be great to have all my bases covered--in the event that I do need help during labor, I would feel much better already knowing and trusting the OB that steps in. I did wonder what made him change his mind from the first time we talked.
The doctor offered to see me again in two weeks instead of the usual four--to check the baby again and help with my peace of mind. I was / am really grateful for that. We go back on November 22, right before Thanksgiving. Then our next visit will be at 20 weeks and we'll have the usual ultrasound to check the baby's organ development. The doctor said they can check on the placement of the placenta as well and help determine how things will be lined up for the birth.
Until then . . . keep growing, my little one.
Dr. Stempel checked the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler and measured the length of my womb with an instrument that reminded me of a compass. I asked if he'd found out any more information on the possibility of a waterbirth at Emanuel. He grinned mischievously, like he'd had a feeling I was going to bring that up again. :) There are some waterbirths happening at the hospital, but mainly the certified nurse-midwives are doing them. He said he's not really comfortable agreeing to help me with a waterbirth since he's never attended one and he's not sure if his partners would be comfortable stepping in if he wasn't available. What he said next surprised me though, as the first time I'd asked him about it, he'd said he didn't think it was a good idea. He said that as I get closer to my duedate and am still a candidate for waterbirth (there are certain criteria to meet), he would refer me to a midwife who could attend me at the hospital. The surprising thing was that he said he would be happy to co-manage my pregnancy if that happened, and be available to step in should the need arise to help with more "traditional means," as he put it. I was happy to hear that because I do like Dr. Stempel, and I think it would be great to have all my bases covered--in the event that I do need help during labor, I would feel much better already knowing and trusting the OB that steps in. I did wonder what made him change his mind from the first time we talked.
The doctor offered to see me again in two weeks instead of the usual four--to check the baby again and help with my peace of mind. I was / am really grateful for that. We go back on November 22, right before Thanksgiving. Then our next visit will be at 20 weeks and we'll have the usual ultrasound to check the baby's organ development. The doctor said they can check on the placement of the placenta as well and help determine how things will be lined up for the birth.
Until then . . . keep growing, my little one.
A Visit to Andaluz
Last Monday (16 weeks!), Michael and I visited the Portland Andaluz Waterbirth Center for a tour and consult with a midwife. As soon as we walked in the door, I loved it. The waiting area featured two very squishy, comfy couches around a coffee table and fireplace. It looked more like the living room of someone's house than a clinic. The restroom was lovely too, decorated in dark colors with soft lighting. It definitely contributed to the sense of "home." We filled out some getting-to-know-you paperwork and waited to meet with our midwife.
It didn't take long for a petite young woman with long dark hair to open a side door and announce that she was looking for Amy. We jumped up and introduced ourselves. Her name was Jessica and she ushered us into one of the birth suites, which looked like a really nice, really homey hotel room. The two main centerpieces of the room were a bed covered in a flowered comforter and the deepest, most inviting looking tub I have ever seen. We sat on a loveseat and she faced us on another chair. For the next 45 minutes we chatted all about our journey to this point and why we were interested in having our baby at a birth center. She answered our questions thoroughly and even offered to let us listen to the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler. Of course I jumped at the chance. I got to try out the bed while Jessica moved the Doppler around on my belly until a really loud, really strong heartbeat was very clearly heard. Michael's response was, "It sounds like a truck!"
We didn't get to see the other common areas they have (kitchen and waiting area for extended family), but we were sent home with a folder of reading material about Andaluz and birth in general. I was excited to see that they offer childbirth classes at very reasonable rates. Whether or not we end up having our baby there unfortunately will depend on what insurance will cover. But even if we opt for a hospital birth, I'm pretty sure I'd like to go to the childbirth education classes at Andaluz and get some of my natural birth fix that way. :) Plus, I'll probably spring for a doula if we go to the hospital.
Michael and I were both glad we visited the water birth center, and are excited at the possibility of having our baby there.
It didn't take long for a petite young woman with long dark hair to open a side door and announce that she was looking for Amy. We jumped up and introduced ourselves. Her name was Jessica and she ushered us into one of the birth suites, which looked like a really nice, really homey hotel room. The two main centerpieces of the room were a bed covered in a flowered comforter and the deepest, most inviting looking tub I have ever seen. We sat on a loveseat and she faced us on another chair. For the next 45 minutes we chatted all about our journey to this point and why we were interested in having our baby at a birth center. She answered our questions thoroughly and even offered to let us listen to the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler. Of course I jumped at the chance. I got to try out the bed while Jessica moved the Doppler around on my belly until a really loud, really strong heartbeat was very clearly heard. Michael's response was, "It sounds like a truck!"
We didn't get to see the other common areas they have (kitchen and waiting area for extended family), but we were sent home with a folder of reading material about Andaluz and birth in general. I was excited to see that they offer childbirth classes at very reasonable rates. Whether or not we end up having our baby there unfortunately will depend on what insurance will cover. But even if we opt for a hospital birth, I'm pretty sure I'd like to go to the childbirth education classes at Andaluz and get some of my natural birth fix that way. :) Plus, I'll probably spring for a doula if we go to the hospital.
Michael and I were both glad we visited the water birth center, and are excited at the possibility of having our baby there.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
The Fright of my Life (Part Two)
Michael and I waited in the ER for just a few minutes while two nurses brought a bed to the room, but of course it felt like longer. When it was all set up and ready for me, I was instructed to change into a gown and we were given a TV remote-like device to call in case we needed help. As soon as I got up out of the wheelchair, I felt liquid leaking out of me and when I got my pants and undies off, there were trickles of blood running down my legs and onto the floor. I told Michael I thought I needed something else--a pad or something--or I was going to get blood all over the sheets on the bed. He called our nurse for help. While we waited, I stood and leaned against him, my face against the warm blanket he was holding. I cried and said how I couldn't believe this was happening, and that I just wanted my baby to be okay. Michael was beyond awesome. He held me and soothed me and was the strong one. I didn't realize until later how very upset and worried he was too.
When the nurse came back, she brought me one of those huge super-long maxi pads that all hospitals seem to stock, along with some "underwear" that seemed made out of mesh. But they were dry and that was the important thing. I got everything on and onto the bed/table. I started crying again and I think this was when Michael took my face in both hands, looked into my eyes and said, "It's going to be okay. And if it's not okay, there isn't anything you can do about it." Strangely, I felt calmed by his words. Maybe I needed that reminder that what was happening was out of my hands.
After several minutes' wait, the doctor arrived, along with a nurse-practitioner. I explained again what had happened and what I was experiencing. I told him that it seemed like the blood was mixed with a lot of sweet-smelling fluid . . . I was worried that my "water" had broken since there was so much of it. He said they would check the baby via ultrasound and he would call my OBGYN's office to see if there was anything else they should do.
Before he did the ultrasound, he felt my back and asked if I was having pain. I said yes, some and he asked if it was in the center or more on the sides. I guessed the sides. Then he poked my stomach a bit which didn't hurt but was tender. Michael and I both thought it was odd that he listened to my abdomen with a stethoscope. I don't know if he was listening for bowel sounds, or if he was really trying to hear the baby's heartbeat, but I was thinking that it was probably way too early for the latter.
Then it was time for an ultrasound with a little portable machine that they'd wheeled in. I'm nervous about getting ultrasounds anyway (especially early in the pregnancy when so much development is occuring), but I needed to know where the blood/fluid was coming from and I needed to make sure the baby was okay.
I didn't try to look at the screen. I kind of covered my eyes with one hand and waited to hear the news. Right away the doctor said, "If you look here, you'll see the heart beating." I turned my head to see, and he moved the screen toward me. Sure enough, there was a little form and I could see movement. To my right, I heard Michael choking out four or five heavy, broken sobs. It was then I knew just how worried he had been and how much he cared about our baby.
The doctor then tried to figure out the baby's heartbeats per minute, but he didn't really know how to use the machine. I got a little nervous while he fumbled around with dials and explained that the hospital had recently changed machines. Now I wish I would have asked for someone how knew how to use it to finish the exam, but at the time I didn't want to cause any problems. My comfort is that I'm pretty sure the machine was fairly low-powered, so hopefully no harm was done.
He did finally get a reading on the beats per minute, saying that it was normal. I think it was around 145. Then he left to call my doctor's office and see if there was anything else to be done.
Michael and I felt (of course!) a tremendous sense of relief at seeing that our baby was okay. That lasted until the doctor came back and said that there really wasn't anything left to be done but wait and see and that things could go "either way." I was thinking, "Are you serious?!" Those firefighters had told me that everything would be okay and now you're saying it's touch and go? The doctor went on to say that the on-call OBGYN at Dr. Stempel's office had said the only things to do were to check the viability of the baby and make sure my blood wasn't RH negative, which it isn't. Apparently, doing a vaginal exam wouldn't tell them much and might cause more harm than good.
Needless to say, we were not very comforted when we left. I was terrified of moving or standing up because I was afraid I was still bleeding. Michael was amazing though--he helped me get dressed (back in the soaked pants) and put on my socks and shoes, then wheeled me out of the room. I really had to pee so we stopped at a bathroom on our way out of the ER. It was as I had feared: the super maxi pad was already soaked with red blood. This freaked me out beyond belief because it looked for all the world like my period on my heaviest day. But there wasn't anything I could do, so I just got back in the wheelchair and waited while Michael finished filling out paperwork that had been skipped when we'd arrived. I did think to ask our nurse for a Chux pad to put underneath me on the drive home, as I didn't want to get blood on Michael's truck seats.
The drive home was pretty quiet. We stopped at Fred Meyer for something to eat as it was by that time (10PM) about the only place still open with semi-healthy food. I waited in the truck while Michael got some string cheese and tortilla soup for me.
When we got home I just ate a little bit and went to bed. Michael heated up my soup, brought me grapes and cheese and whatever else I needed. When I told him that I thought I'd sleep on the couch because I didn't want to try walking up the stairs, he said okay and went up to our room. He came back with all of the blankets from our bed in his arms. I asked, "Didn't you leave yourself any blankets?" He replied that he was going to sleep downstairs with me, on the other couch. So, so sweet. He'd also brought me the little flannel heart that my friend Carrie made while we were doing IVF. That one gesture was so touching . . . how had he known the exact right thing to do at that moment?
I lay awake for a long, long time that night, thinking about the accident and the baby and trying not to think about the bleeding. I'd changed pads when we got home and had had to change again a couple hours later--that made two of the big maxi pads that I'd gone through. The hospital had said to call my OB's office if I went through more than one pad an hour for four hours or more than 10 in 24 hours. I was worried the bleeding wouldn't slow down. I put the third pad on sometime in the middle of the night and by the morning there was just a spot about the size of a quarter on it, so that was definitely encouraging.
That night I spent a lot of time staring out the living room window at the night sky, talking to God and bargaining for my baby. What would it take for me to get to keep this baby? I was willing to do anything. I talked to the baby too. "We love you so much," I said, "and we want you to stay with us, but whatever happens, we will still love you. We are so proud of you for doing such a good job growing." I felt better after I talked to the baby--like again, it was out of my hands. It felt like I'd been awake for most of the night, when I finally felt a heavy sense of peace descend upon me and at last I was asleep.
Tuesday morning I called Dr. Stempel's office just after 8AM and explained what had happened. They got me an appointment to see him at 12:45 that day. Then it was just a long wait before we would need to leave for the north Portland office. I distracted myself with t.v. and Michael continued to take excellent care of me, bringing me juice, making me oatmeal for breakfast, making me lunch before we left. I kept thanking him, but there was no way to express just how thankful I was / am for him. All of those little things he did during that horrible time when we didn't know what would happen added up to mean so, so much to me. I'll probably never be able to tell him exactly how much it meant.
Finally it was time to go to the appointment. All we had was the truck which isn't the easiest for me to get into on a good day. To make it easier for me, Michael brought over some blocks of wood for me to stand on so I wouldn't have to jump onto the seat--again, so sweet.
When we got to the doctor's office, they took us back after waiting only a few minutes. We were to have the ultrasound first and then meet with the doctor. I was terrified of what we would find out after all that blood loss. The technician knew what was going on and was very kind. When she put the transducer on my belly and the image of the baby popped up on the screen, I asked right away, "Is it moving?" She replied that it was and I started breathing again. Michael and I watched as our baby waved little arms around, wiggled and stretched. I was in awe of the tiny vertebrae of the spine that looked so much like little pearls. What a surreal experience--to watch movement on a screen from a miniature human being and to know that it is inside you. It didn't feel real to me, although I think that will change once I start feeling the baby move. At the time it was beautiful and a miracle and yet hard for me to believe was real.
The technician measured the baby's head and femur, checked his heart rate (excellent) and said that everything looked fine. The amniotic sac was intact and the placenta was not pulled away from the uterine lining. We could see the other little twin too and she said it was all there--its sac was still intact as well although it had slipped down and was now quite close to my cervix. She said that could have been the reason for all the bleeding.
The funny thing is that I had mentioned that when we were at the hospital--first to the nurse who triaged me and took my vital signs, and again to the doctor. I had thought (hoped) that the blood and fluid was from the twin who hadn't made it. I had never had any bleeding or anything (Dr. Stempel had said I might or I might not) and it just made sense to me that maybe the accident had jarred loose the one that was no longer growing.
The technician managed to get a couple of great pictures of little Baby Hoffman for us. She printed them out for us and I'll post them below so you can see . . .
I asked if she might be able to tell us whether it was a boy or a girl . . . being 14 weeks, I knew it was sometimes possible to tell the gender if the baby's legs were in the right position. At first she said, "Don't paint the room yet, but if I had to guess, I'd say this is a boy." Then she manuevered for some different angles and said, "Oh, this is definitely a boy!" It was pretty funny. She showed us his two femurs and said, "See this is a leg bone and this is a leg bone, and this here in the middle is not a leg bone!" :)
After the ultrasound we felt much, much, MUCH better about our little one. We met briefly with Dr. Stempel and he said that he thought the bleeding was probably from the twin who hadn't made it, although he said the fluid was a mystery since both sacs were intact. He told me that the accident, while scary for me, wasn't a direct blow to the uterus and that the living baby should be just fine. We already had an appointment to go back on November 8th (16 weeks!), and he said he would see us then.
So now it's been 10 days since the accident. I've been doing okay but am still spotting which is a bit worrisome, and I've been having that same weird UTI-like feeling I had before when we found out the other twin's heart had stopped. I've been telling myself that the feeling is just from my body passing old blood and not to worry, that our little boy is okay. The days that I still have some morningsickness are actually welcome because it reminds me that I'm pregnant and that things are happening as they should. I did call Dr. Stempel's office today just to let them know I'm still spotting and see if the doctor thought it was normal. He did, but said I could come in and they would check the baby's heartbeat if I wanted. I did want to go, but we were so busy at work that there was no way Michael could have gotten away and there was no way I was going by myself just in case it was not good news. Just hearing that Dr. Stempel thinks it's normal is enough for me to wait until our appointment on Tuesday.
Thank you all so much for your good thoughts and prayers for us. I'm sorry that I alarmed some of you with my first post . . . I should have probably posted it all at once so you'd have the whole story at one time. Please continue to pray for us . . . <3
Thank you.
When the nurse came back, she brought me one of those huge super-long maxi pads that all hospitals seem to stock, along with some "underwear" that seemed made out of mesh. But they were dry and that was the important thing. I got everything on and onto the bed/table. I started crying again and I think this was when Michael took my face in both hands, looked into my eyes and said, "It's going to be okay. And if it's not okay, there isn't anything you can do about it." Strangely, I felt calmed by his words. Maybe I needed that reminder that what was happening was out of my hands.
After several minutes' wait, the doctor arrived, along with a nurse-practitioner. I explained again what had happened and what I was experiencing. I told him that it seemed like the blood was mixed with a lot of sweet-smelling fluid . . . I was worried that my "water" had broken since there was so much of it. He said they would check the baby via ultrasound and he would call my OBGYN's office to see if there was anything else they should do.
Before he did the ultrasound, he felt my back and asked if I was having pain. I said yes, some and he asked if it was in the center or more on the sides. I guessed the sides. Then he poked my stomach a bit which didn't hurt but was tender. Michael and I both thought it was odd that he listened to my abdomen with a stethoscope. I don't know if he was listening for bowel sounds, or if he was really trying to hear the baby's heartbeat, but I was thinking that it was probably way too early for the latter.
Then it was time for an ultrasound with a little portable machine that they'd wheeled in. I'm nervous about getting ultrasounds anyway (especially early in the pregnancy when so much development is occuring), but I needed to know where the blood/fluid was coming from and I needed to make sure the baby was okay.
I didn't try to look at the screen. I kind of covered my eyes with one hand and waited to hear the news. Right away the doctor said, "If you look here, you'll see the heart beating." I turned my head to see, and he moved the screen toward me. Sure enough, there was a little form and I could see movement. To my right, I heard Michael choking out four or five heavy, broken sobs. It was then I knew just how worried he had been and how much he cared about our baby.
The doctor then tried to figure out the baby's heartbeats per minute, but he didn't really know how to use the machine. I got a little nervous while he fumbled around with dials and explained that the hospital had recently changed machines. Now I wish I would have asked for someone how knew how to use it to finish the exam, but at the time I didn't want to cause any problems. My comfort is that I'm pretty sure the machine was fairly low-powered, so hopefully no harm was done.
He did finally get a reading on the beats per minute, saying that it was normal. I think it was around 145. Then he left to call my doctor's office and see if there was anything else to be done.
Michael and I felt (of course!) a tremendous sense of relief at seeing that our baby was okay. That lasted until the doctor came back and said that there really wasn't anything left to be done but wait and see and that things could go "either way." I was thinking, "Are you serious?!" Those firefighters had told me that everything would be okay and now you're saying it's touch and go? The doctor went on to say that the on-call OBGYN at Dr. Stempel's office had said the only things to do were to check the viability of the baby and make sure my blood wasn't RH negative, which it isn't. Apparently, doing a vaginal exam wouldn't tell them much and might cause more harm than good.
Needless to say, we were not very comforted when we left. I was terrified of moving or standing up because I was afraid I was still bleeding. Michael was amazing though--he helped me get dressed (back in the soaked pants) and put on my socks and shoes, then wheeled me out of the room. I really had to pee so we stopped at a bathroom on our way out of the ER. It was as I had feared: the super maxi pad was already soaked with red blood. This freaked me out beyond belief because it looked for all the world like my period on my heaviest day. But there wasn't anything I could do, so I just got back in the wheelchair and waited while Michael finished filling out paperwork that had been skipped when we'd arrived. I did think to ask our nurse for a Chux pad to put underneath me on the drive home, as I didn't want to get blood on Michael's truck seats.
The drive home was pretty quiet. We stopped at Fred Meyer for something to eat as it was by that time (10PM) about the only place still open with semi-healthy food. I waited in the truck while Michael got some string cheese and tortilla soup for me.
When we got home I just ate a little bit and went to bed. Michael heated up my soup, brought me grapes and cheese and whatever else I needed. When I told him that I thought I'd sleep on the couch because I didn't want to try walking up the stairs, he said okay and went up to our room. He came back with all of the blankets from our bed in his arms. I asked, "Didn't you leave yourself any blankets?" He replied that he was going to sleep downstairs with me, on the other couch. So, so sweet. He'd also brought me the little flannel heart that my friend Carrie made while we were doing IVF. That one gesture was so touching . . . how had he known the exact right thing to do at that moment?
I lay awake for a long, long time that night, thinking about the accident and the baby and trying not to think about the bleeding. I'd changed pads when we got home and had had to change again a couple hours later--that made two of the big maxi pads that I'd gone through. The hospital had said to call my OB's office if I went through more than one pad an hour for four hours or more than 10 in 24 hours. I was worried the bleeding wouldn't slow down. I put the third pad on sometime in the middle of the night and by the morning there was just a spot about the size of a quarter on it, so that was definitely encouraging.
That night I spent a lot of time staring out the living room window at the night sky, talking to God and bargaining for my baby. What would it take for me to get to keep this baby? I was willing to do anything. I talked to the baby too. "We love you so much," I said, "and we want you to stay with us, but whatever happens, we will still love you. We are so proud of you for doing such a good job growing." I felt better after I talked to the baby--like again, it was out of my hands. It felt like I'd been awake for most of the night, when I finally felt a heavy sense of peace descend upon me and at last I was asleep.
Tuesday morning I called Dr. Stempel's office just after 8AM and explained what had happened. They got me an appointment to see him at 12:45 that day. Then it was just a long wait before we would need to leave for the north Portland office. I distracted myself with t.v. and Michael continued to take excellent care of me, bringing me juice, making me oatmeal for breakfast, making me lunch before we left. I kept thanking him, but there was no way to express just how thankful I was / am for him. All of those little things he did during that horrible time when we didn't know what would happen added up to mean so, so much to me. I'll probably never be able to tell him exactly how much it meant.
Finally it was time to go to the appointment. All we had was the truck which isn't the easiest for me to get into on a good day. To make it easier for me, Michael brought over some blocks of wood for me to stand on so I wouldn't have to jump onto the seat--again, so sweet.
When we got to the doctor's office, they took us back after waiting only a few minutes. We were to have the ultrasound first and then meet with the doctor. I was terrified of what we would find out after all that blood loss. The technician knew what was going on and was very kind. When she put the transducer on my belly and the image of the baby popped up on the screen, I asked right away, "Is it moving?" She replied that it was and I started breathing again. Michael and I watched as our baby waved little arms around, wiggled and stretched. I was in awe of the tiny vertebrae of the spine that looked so much like little pearls. What a surreal experience--to watch movement on a screen from a miniature human being and to know that it is inside you. It didn't feel real to me, although I think that will change once I start feeling the baby move. At the time it was beautiful and a miracle and yet hard for me to believe was real.
The technician measured the baby's head and femur, checked his heart rate (excellent) and said that everything looked fine. The amniotic sac was intact and the placenta was not pulled away from the uterine lining. We could see the other little twin too and she said it was all there--its sac was still intact as well although it had slipped down and was now quite close to my cervix. She said that could have been the reason for all the bleeding.
The funny thing is that I had mentioned that when we were at the hospital--first to the nurse who triaged me and took my vital signs, and again to the doctor. I had thought (hoped) that the blood and fluid was from the twin who hadn't made it. I had never had any bleeding or anything (Dr. Stempel had said I might or I might not) and it just made sense to me that maybe the accident had jarred loose the one that was no longer growing.
The technician managed to get a couple of great pictures of little Baby Hoffman for us. She printed them out for us and I'll post them below so you can see . . .
 |
| Hi Mama and Papa! See, I'm okay! |
 |
| Oh my goodness! Just look at that round tummy! |
I asked if she might be able to tell us whether it was a boy or a girl . . . being 14 weeks, I knew it was sometimes possible to tell the gender if the baby's legs were in the right position. At first she said, "Don't paint the room yet, but if I had to guess, I'd say this is a boy." Then she manuevered for some different angles and said, "Oh, this is definitely a boy!" It was pretty funny. She showed us his two femurs and said, "See this is a leg bone and this is a leg bone, and this here in the middle is not a leg bone!" :)
After the ultrasound we felt much, much, MUCH better about our little one. We met briefly with Dr. Stempel and he said that he thought the bleeding was probably from the twin who hadn't made it, although he said the fluid was a mystery since both sacs were intact. He told me that the accident, while scary for me, wasn't a direct blow to the uterus and that the living baby should be just fine. We already had an appointment to go back on November 8th (16 weeks!), and he said he would see us then.
So now it's been 10 days since the accident. I've been doing okay but am still spotting which is a bit worrisome, and I've been having that same weird UTI-like feeling I had before when we found out the other twin's heart had stopped. I've been telling myself that the feeling is just from my body passing old blood and not to worry, that our little boy is okay. The days that I still have some morningsickness are actually welcome because it reminds me that I'm pregnant and that things are happening as they should. I did call Dr. Stempel's office today just to let them know I'm still spotting and see if the doctor thought it was normal. He did, but said I could come in and they would check the baby's heartbeat if I wanted. I did want to go, but we were so busy at work that there was no way Michael could have gotten away and there was no way I was going by myself just in case it was not good news. Just hearing that Dr. Stempel thinks it's normal is enough for me to wait until our appointment on Tuesday.
Thank you all so much for your good thoughts and prayers for us. I'm sorry that I alarmed some of you with my first post . . . I should have probably posted it all at once so you'd have the whole story at one time. Please continue to pray for us . . . <3
Thank you.
Monday, October 31, 2011
The Fright of my Life (Part I)
This last week has been probably the most stressful week of my life, and that's saying something when you think about all we have done to get where we are. When I began writing this post a few days ago, I hoped that once the story of what happened was out of my head and on the screen, I would be able to stop thinking about it, turning it over and over in my mind and worrying over what I might have done differently, what could have happened "if only." Some of that constant reliving of the events started letting up over the weekend ( I saw my therapist on Saturday and it helped to talk to her about it), and now I just want to write out the story, share it with you, and move on.
I'd like to make a small disclaimer here that the following contains some talk of blood and fluid, so if you're squeamish, you might want to skip to the end of the post now. And so you don't worry, I'll tell you that as of right now, both the baby and I are doing fine--shaken, but otherwise fine.
It happened on Monday, October 24th, at 6:32PM by the police report. I was on my way home from work, then Costco where I picked up my thyroid prescription, then Whole Foods, where I picked up the fixings for chicken stew. I was driving southbound on 185th in Beaverton, less than five miles from our house. It's a fairly busy street with two lanes going in each direction and the posted speed limit is 45MPH.
I was in the left lane and noticed that the car in front of me was stopped. I'm pretty sure there was also a car stopped in the turn lane. I wondered what was going on, then saw the figure of a person standing between the two cars. It looked like they were encouraging whoever it was to continue on across the street. It was then that I thought to check my rearview mirror . . . someone was coming and for a split second I thought they were going to stop. Then just as quickly I realized that the headlights were coming on way too fast.
It took the next three or so seconds for me to a) honk my horn trying to signal the driver behind me that we were stopped, b) take my foot off the brake and c) close my eyes and bend my head forward, bracing for the impact I knew was coming.
He hit me hard, going what we guess was between 35 and 40MPH. I didn't hear him hit the brakes and Michael tells me there were no skidmarks on the pavement that might have indicated he was trying to slow down (although that is something he apparently told the police from what Michael overheard).
I think the first thing I did after the impact was bury my face in my hands and begin sobbing. I could see the driver behind me just sitting in his vehicle. I'm sure he was stunned. Then I started hunting around for my cell phone so I could call Michael. Funny how my first thought was to call him and not 911. I dialed his number but it went to voicemail and in the back of my mind I thought that that just proved how we really need to get him a new cell phone because his is notorious for running out of juice just hours after being fully charged. And I've worried before about not being able to reach him in case of emergency.
I hung up the phone and searched for my mom's number. It was about this time that the other driver came up to my window. There was also a man (a good samaritan who hadn't seen the accident but must have been driving by and stopped) in a white t-shirt holding a cell phone. He asked me if I had called 911 yet. I told him that no, I was trying to reach my husband. He said he would call the police and also an ambulance. I was still crying and right on the verge of hysteria about this time. The other driver kept asking if I was okay and I yelled at him that no, I was not okay. I was pregnant. I also asked him (okay, yelled) what the !@#$ was he thinking (meaning when he wasn't paying attention and plowed into me). It wasn't my finest moment, but I was beyond worried about the baby and very angry and scared. I can't remember how he responded . . . I think it was something like, he didn't realize we were stopped, which in my mind was pretty ridiculous. Even if he wasn't sure we were stopped, he should have started braking and kept watching to see what happened. Apparently he was off in La La Land, or maybe he was texting. I'll never know for sure.
My mom answered her phone and I blurted out what had happened and that I couldn't reach Michael. I have to hand it to her how well she held it together given the circumstances. She told me everything would be okay, and to just breathe and that she would stay on the line with me until Michael got there.
I saw emergency vehicles coming toward us and then a police lady came to the window and asked me to hang up the phone. She asked me for my license and for my version of what happened. After she left, I was finally able to reach Michael. I told him that I'd been rear-ended hard and that I neededhim to come. He just asked me where I was and said he was on his way.
After that a young firefighter named Brandon came over to the car. He opened my door and squatted down so that we were eye level and talked to me slowly and softly. I kept saying that I was pregnant and he kept saying that I would be fine. He took my blood pressure and told someone next to him that he couldn't get the bottom number but the top was 120. The systolic (top) number for me is usually in the 90's, so I guess my blood pressure was amped up a bit from the stress of the accident.
Brandon asked me slowly and carefully if I wanted to go to the hospital in the ambulance, but I told him that I didn't think I needed that--Michael could drive me in our truck. I had been wondering why Michael wasn't there yet, so I called him to ask what I should do about the ambulance. He answered and then I saw him jogging over to the car from the side of the road, still talking to me on his phone. He told me later that he'd been talking to police officers and firefighters and that they had seemed like they didn't want him to go over to me yet. Michael agreed that we could probably go to the hospital in the truck, although he told me later that I should have just ridden in the ambulance because the other driver's insurance would have paid for it. At the time though, I really didn't think I needed it. I was upset and shaken, but physically I seemed fine. There was no mark on my belly from the seatbelt and no part of my body that I knew of had hit any part of the car when I was hit.
It was dark by the time we got ready to go. A different firefighter helped me pick the contents of my purse off the floor and figure out what I needed to take with me. Someone else grabbed the groceries from the backseat and carried them over to our truck. Then traffic in the right lane was stopped for us so we could safely cross to the truck. The lady police office whom I had first spoken with (what stands out in my mind is that she had tattoo "sleeves" on both forearms) gave us our copy of the accident report and told us that we would have to file another report with the DMV within 72 hours. If we didn't and the other driver did, my license could possibly be suspended. I told her quite emphatically that we would be sure to report it. I got teary then, worrying about the baby. She saw my tears but thought they meant something else. "It's just a car," she said. I just nodded, not bothering to correct her, as I was quite anxious to get out of there.
We drove directly to St. Vincent hospital, groceries in the back and all. It wasn't until we had parked and were trying to find the emergency room that I started to feel some wetness between my legs. I tried to brush it aside, as I had been having some heavier discharge that day, but it seemed to become wetter as we walked. By the time we reached the ER lobby, I was telling Michael that I thought something was wrong, that maybe I was bleeding. There was quite a line of people waiting to check in to be seen and he suggested I go sit while he waited in line for us. I did and tried to hold it together, but prayed they would hurry.
When it was Michael's turn at the counter, he told the two ladies there what was happening. One of them asked me to come talk to them. I stood up and walked the few steps over to Michael. I felt more wetness slipping out of me and tried pressing my legs together. I can't remember now if I told them I thought I was bleeding. I must have because they told Michael he could get me a wheelchair and he was bringing one over to me when I felt a great wetness spreading and soaking through the front and crotch of my pants. I started crying and told Michael that I was bleeding, lifting my sweater so that he could see my stained pants. He told the ladies behind the counter and they said one of the nurses would see me right then. She was in a little nook next to the registration counter. She took my temperature and my blood pressure and listened again to what had happened. I guess there was some debate about whether I should go upstairs to labor and delivery where the OB doctors were, or if I should be seen by an ER doctor. Then a volunteer wheeled me away through the waiting room. It seemed like I could feel everyone's eyes on me. I kept mine on my lap, which I'd covered with my sweater to hide the blood.
Soon we'd made it to what I figured out was the pediatric section of the ER. We were taken to a room that had no bed or examining table in it. A nurse came over and sheepishly said that she was sorry but a special table had been ordered. Maybe they had a smaller one in there that would fit a child, but not an adult. So we waited, I in the chair and Michael next to me, holding my hand tightly, scared to death about what was happening and what was still to come.
I'd like to make a small disclaimer here that the following contains some talk of blood and fluid, so if you're squeamish, you might want to skip to the end of the post now. And so you don't worry, I'll tell you that as of right now, both the baby and I are doing fine--shaken, but otherwise fine.
It happened on Monday, October 24th, at 6:32PM by the police report. I was on my way home from work, then Costco where I picked up my thyroid prescription, then Whole Foods, where I picked up the fixings for chicken stew. I was driving southbound on 185th in Beaverton, less than five miles from our house. It's a fairly busy street with two lanes going in each direction and the posted speed limit is 45MPH.
I was in the left lane and noticed that the car in front of me was stopped. I'm pretty sure there was also a car stopped in the turn lane. I wondered what was going on, then saw the figure of a person standing between the two cars. It looked like they were encouraging whoever it was to continue on across the street. It was then that I thought to check my rearview mirror . . . someone was coming and for a split second I thought they were going to stop. Then just as quickly I realized that the headlights were coming on way too fast.
It took the next three or so seconds for me to a) honk my horn trying to signal the driver behind me that we were stopped, b) take my foot off the brake and c) close my eyes and bend my head forward, bracing for the impact I knew was coming.
He hit me hard, going what we guess was between 35 and 40MPH. I didn't hear him hit the brakes and Michael tells me there were no skidmarks on the pavement that might have indicated he was trying to slow down (although that is something he apparently told the police from what Michael overheard).
I think the first thing I did after the impact was bury my face in my hands and begin sobbing. I could see the driver behind me just sitting in his vehicle. I'm sure he was stunned. Then I started hunting around for my cell phone so I could call Michael. Funny how my first thought was to call him and not 911. I dialed his number but it went to voicemail and in the back of my mind I thought that that just proved how we really need to get him a new cell phone because his is notorious for running out of juice just hours after being fully charged. And I've worried before about not being able to reach him in case of emergency.
I hung up the phone and searched for my mom's number. It was about this time that the other driver came up to my window. There was also a man (a good samaritan who hadn't seen the accident but must have been driving by and stopped) in a white t-shirt holding a cell phone. He asked me if I had called 911 yet. I told him that no, I was trying to reach my husband. He said he would call the police and also an ambulance. I was still crying and right on the verge of hysteria about this time. The other driver kept asking if I was okay and I yelled at him that no, I was not okay. I was pregnant. I also asked him (okay, yelled) what the !@#$ was he thinking (meaning when he wasn't paying attention and plowed into me). It wasn't my finest moment, but I was beyond worried about the baby and very angry and scared. I can't remember how he responded . . . I think it was something like, he didn't realize we were stopped, which in my mind was pretty ridiculous. Even if he wasn't sure we were stopped, he should have started braking and kept watching to see what happened. Apparently he was off in La La Land, or maybe he was texting. I'll never know for sure.
My mom answered her phone and I blurted out what had happened and that I couldn't reach Michael. I have to hand it to her how well she held it together given the circumstances. She told me everything would be okay, and to just breathe and that she would stay on the line with me until Michael got there.
I saw emergency vehicles coming toward us and then a police lady came to the window and asked me to hang up the phone. She asked me for my license and for my version of what happened. After she left, I was finally able to reach Michael. I told him that I'd been rear-ended hard and that I neededhim to come. He just asked me where I was and said he was on his way.
After that a young firefighter named Brandon came over to the car. He opened my door and squatted down so that we were eye level and talked to me slowly and softly. I kept saying that I was pregnant and he kept saying that I would be fine. He took my blood pressure and told someone next to him that he couldn't get the bottom number but the top was 120. The systolic (top) number for me is usually in the 90's, so I guess my blood pressure was amped up a bit from the stress of the accident.
Brandon asked me slowly and carefully if I wanted to go to the hospital in the ambulance, but I told him that I didn't think I needed that--Michael could drive me in our truck. I had been wondering why Michael wasn't there yet, so I called him to ask what I should do about the ambulance. He answered and then I saw him jogging over to the car from the side of the road, still talking to me on his phone. He told me later that he'd been talking to police officers and firefighters and that they had seemed like they didn't want him to go over to me yet. Michael agreed that we could probably go to the hospital in the truck, although he told me later that I should have just ridden in the ambulance because the other driver's insurance would have paid for it. At the time though, I really didn't think I needed it. I was upset and shaken, but physically I seemed fine. There was no mark on my belly from the seatbelt and no part of my body that I knew of had hit any part of the car when I was hit.
It was dark by the time we got ready to go. A different firefighter helped me pick the contents of my purse off the floor and figure out what I needed to take with me. Someone else grabbed the groceries from the backseat and carried them over to our truck. Then traffic in the right lane was stopped for us so we could safely cross to the truck. The lady police office whom I had first spoken with (what stands out in my mind is that she had tattoo "sleeves" on both forearms) gave us our copy of the accident report and told us that we would have to file another report with the DMV within 72 hours. If we didn't and the other driver did, my license could possibly be suspended. I told her quite emphatically that we would be sure to report it. I got teary then, worrying about the baby. She saw my tears but thought they meant something else. "It's just a car," she said. I just nodded, not bothering to correct her, as I was quite anxious to get out of there.
We drove directly to St. Vincent hospital, groceries in the back and all. It wasn't until we had parked and were trying to find the emergency room that I started to feel some wetness between my legs. I tried to brush it aside, as I had been having some heavier discharge that day, but it seemed to become wetter as we walked. By the time we reached the ER lobby, I was telling Michael that I thought something was wrong, that maybe I was bleeding. There was quite a line of people waiting to check in to be seen and he suggested I go sit while he waited in line for us. I did and tried to hold it together, but prayed they would hurry.
When it was Michael's turn at the counter, he told the two ladies there what was happening. One of them asked me to come talk to them. I stood up and walked the few steps over to Michael. I felt more wetness slipping out of me and tried pressing my legs together. I can't remember now if I told them I thought I was bleeding. I must have because they told Michael he could get me a wheelchair and he was bringing one over to me when I felt a great wetness spreading and soaking through the front and crotch of my pants. I started crying and told Michael that I was bleeding, lifting my sweater so that he could see my stained pants. He told the ladies behind the counter and they said one of the nurses would see me right then. She was in a little nook next to the registration counter. She took my temperature and my blood pressure and listened again to what had happened. I guess there was some debate about whether I should go upstairs to labor and delivery where the OB doctors were, or if I should be seen by an ER doctor. Then a volunteer wheeled me away through the waiting room. It seemed like I could feel everyone's eyes on me. I kept mine on my lap, which I'd covered with my sweater to hide the blood.
Soon we'd made it to what I figured out was the pediatric section of the ER. We were taken to a room that had no bed or examining table in it. A nurse came over and sheepishly said that she was sorry but a special table had been ordered. Maybe they had a smaller one in there that would fit a child, but not an adult. So we waited, I in the chair and Michael next to me, holding my hand tightly, scared to death about what was happening and what was still to come.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
13 Weeks!
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| I can't get Blogger to let me post this picture vertically, but hopefully you get the idea . . . :) |
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| The baby is the size of a medium shrimp and now has fingerprints! |
Friday, October 14, 2011
12 Weeks! (1st "Official" Prenatal Appointment)
Tuesday we had our first official prenatal appointment with Dr. Stempel. I was nervous going back to the same place where I'd had such a sad experience with our other little twin (about a month ago now), but was fairly confident that everything was okay since I have been having so much morningsickness lately. :)
We got there in time for our 8:45AM appointment, but weren't taken back until after 9. Still, it wasn't a terribly long wait, and I appreciate that the staff seems to really take their time with each patient instead of just rushing everyone through . . . I'm happy to wait a bit in order to have that experience!
Dr. Stempel's assistant checked my weight (136, so up a couple pounds from the last visit) and took my blood pressure. I can't remember exactly what it was but it was quite low--98/60 or something like that. I joked to her that I am barely alive. ;) She asked both of us questions about our family health histories and then me about any medical conditions. I'm happy to report that we come from fairly healthy stock! Then I was sent off to produce a urine sample . . . I think I will be doing a lot of that in the coming months!
This was the first time that Michael met Dr. Stempel and I was curious to see what he thought. The doctor came in and looked through my chart which alread looked pretty full. I joked with him and the assistant that it was a pretty thick file for only my first real visit. One of the nice things about doing so much testing before IVF is that I've already had most of the required prenatal bloodtests. They said they would check my thyroid and Vitamin D levels as both have been low in the past (and I currently take Levothyroxine {and follow a gluten-free diet} to help keep my thyroid levels balanced). Another interesting thing I found out is that I am immune to the German measles (Rubella?). At first I thought that meant that I'd been born immune, but Dr. Stempel said that most women are immune if they were vaccinated for MMR in the past.
After the paperwork, the doctor began the exam. Since it's been about a year and a half since my last annual, I was a very lucky girl and got the full treatment yesterday. :) But the best, best part was when the doctor used the Doppler to listen for our baby's heartbeat. It took him a minute to find it (the longest minute ever!), but then suddenly it was there. It was so surreal, to realize that a tiny being with a tiny heart is growing in my womb . . . I started to cry and then laughed because my belly shaking from the crying interfered with hearing the heartbeat. I said, "I can't cry if I want to hear the heart beating!" It was a short and sweet experience, but made me feel so relieved that everything is still going well. Dr. Stempel said the beat sounds just right and that my womb is just rising over the top of my pubic bone. He said that in a couple more weeks, my stomach is going to "pop." I said it's probably a good thing that I just ordered some maternity clothes then. Everyone laughed. :)
I asked Dr. Stempel how he felt about continuing to see me during my pregnancy in tandem with a midwife. I reminded him of what I had said during our consultation--that I had planned on having a midwife when I thought I would just have one baby, but since we were expecting twins, I felt safer in a hospital setting. He said that it was up to me, but that he feels the safest place to have a baby is in the hospital (I have heard this medical standpoint before), and he feels like I would best be served by having a single care provider during my pregnancy. He added that should I choose to go with a midwife, and then later run in to a problem of some kind, he would be happy to work with the midwife to help me out. I thought that was nice. We talked about waterbirth and he gave me his opinion--not a fan, which I guess I was a little surprised about. He thinks it's messy (vaginal secretions and sometimes poo end up in the water), and he said that it doesn't give the doctor a chance to "help" so as to prevent tearing. I didn't ask but am assuming he meant performing an episiotomy. One thing that may have colored his opinion on waterbirth is an experience he mentioned having during which he cared for an infant who inhaled chlorine during a waterbirth. I'm not sure how this happened, because I thought babies under water wouldn't take a breath until their faces touched the air.
At any rate, Dr. Stempel obviously didn't think waterbirth was a good idea, but he did say that it is up to me. He even offered to do a little research and find out what Emanuel Hospital offers in terms of birthing tubs and what the policies are on giving birth in the tub. I thought that was nice and definitely something he didn't have to do.
We left the office with instructions to have some bloodwork done and come back in 4 weeks. Our next appointment is on November 8th--I'll be 16 weeks!
Between now and then, I think we are going to try and tour Emanuel to check out their labor and delivery floor, as well as tour the waterbirth center I am interested in and talk with a midwife. Hopefully by the time of our next appointment, we'll have enough information to feel like we're making an informed choice and one that we both feel comfortable with.
We got there in time for our 8:45AM appointment, but weren't taken back until after 9. Still, it wasn't a terribly long wait, and I appreciate that the staff seems to really take their time with each patient instead of just rushing everyone through . . . I'm happy to wait a bit in order to have that experience!
Dr. Stempel's assistant checked my weight (136, so up a couple pounds from the last visit) and took my blood pressure. I can't remember exactly what it was but it was quite low--98/60 or something like that. I joked to her that I am barely alive. ;) She asked both of us questions about our family health histories and then me about any medical conditions. I'm happy to report that we come from fairly healthy stock! Then I was sent off to produce a urine sample . . . I think I will be doing a lot of that in the coming months!
This was the first time that Michael met Dr. Stempel and I was curious to see what he thought. The doctor came in and looked through my chart which alread looked pretty full. I joked with him and the assistant that it was a pretty thick file for only my first real visit. One of the nice things about doing so much testing before IVF is that I've already had most of the required prenatal bloodtests. They said they would check my thyroid and Vitamin D levels as both have been low in the past (and I currently take Levothyroxine {and follow a gluten-free diet} to help keep my thyroid levels balanced). Another interesting thing I found out is that I am immune to the German measles (Rubella?). At first I thought that meant that I'd been born immune, but Dr. Stempel said that most women are immune if they were vaccinated for MMR in the past.
After the paperwork, the doctor began the exam. Since it's been about a year and a half since my last annual, I was a very lucky girl and got the full treatment yesterday. :) But the best, best part was when the doctor used the Doppler to listen for our baby's heartbeat. It took him a minute to find it (the longest minute ever!), but then suddenly it was there. It was so surreal, to realize that a tiny being with a tiny heart is growing in my womb . . . I started to cry and then laughed because my belly shaking from the crying interfered with hearing the heartbeat. I said, "I can't cry if I want to hear the heart beating!" It was a short and sweet experience, but made me feel so relieved that everything is still going well. Dr. Stempel said the beat sounds just right and that my womb is just rising over the top of my pubic bone. He said that in a couple more weeks, my stomach is going to "pop." I said it's probably a good thing that I just ordered some maternity clothes then. Everyone laughed. :)
I asked Dr. Stempel how he felt about continuing to see me during my pregnancy in tandem with a midwife. I reminded him of what I had said during our consultation--that I had planned on having a midwife when I thought I would just have one baby, but since we were expecting twins, I felt safer in a hospital setting. He said that it was up to me, but that he feels the safest place to have a baby is in the hospital (I have heard this medical standpoint before), and he feels like I would best be served by having a single care provider during my pregnancy. He added that should I choose to go with a midwife, and then later run in to a problem of some kind, he would be happy to work with the midwife to help me out. I thought that was nice. We talked about waterbirth and he gave me his opinion--not a fan, which I guess I was a little surprised about. He thinks it's messy (vaginal secretions and sometimes poo end up in the water), and he said that it doesn't give the doctor a chance to "help" so as to prevent tearing. I didn't ask but am assuming he meant performing an episiotomy. One thing that may have colored his opinion on waterbirth is an experience he mentioned having during which he cared for an infant who inhaled chlorine during a waterbirth. I'm not sure how this happened, because I thought babies under water wouldn't take a breath until their faces touched the air.
At any rate, Dr. Stempel obviously didn't think waterbirth was a good idea, but he did say that it is up to me. He even offered to do a little research and find out what Emanuel Hospital offers in terms of birthing tubs and what the policies are on giving birth in the tub. I thought that was nice and definitely something he didn't have to do.
We left the office with instructions to have some bloodwork done and come back in 4 weeks. Our next appointment is on November 8th--I'll be 16 weeks!
Between now and then, I think we are going to try and tour Emanuel to check out their labor and delivery floor, as well as tour the waterbirth center I am interested in and talk with a midwife. Hopefully by the time of our next appointment, we'll have enough information to feel like we're making an informed choice and one that we both feel comfortable with.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
11 Weeks and the Last Injection
Monday we hit the eleven week mark in our pregnancy. I'm definitely feeling more confident that this little love is going to be with us for a long time to come. Our next appointment with Dr. Stempel is next Tuesday and we will get to hear our baby's heartbeat . . . I know I'll feel even better after that.
Morning sickness has been visiting me off and on quite a bit this past week, which doesn't feel good in the moment, but which always gives me a certain sense of affirmation that the baby is doing just fine. I like to think of it as a little message from him or her saying that everything's going well and not to worry.
Our other big news is that last Friday was my very last progesterone injection. I think Michael was maybe even more excited about it than I was. :) I know he's felt bad about giving me the shots when they've caused pain. It's hard to believe that I have been taking progesterone for just over two months now, but I started the shots right after our retrieval at the beginning of August . . . it's funny what you get used to. I can't say I'll miss them, that's for sure, and I am definitely looking forward to feeling better not having so much progesterone in my body. One of the worst side effects has been really horrible constipation about every other day (sorry if too much info). I've heard from Eileen and another woman she met who is now pregnant with her second IVF baby that being on the synthetic progesterone so long really does cause digestive problems. Here's hoping it gets better soon! Also hoping that I will feel more on an even keel emotionally now that I won't be getting any more shots. I'm still expecting to have some hormonal craziness just from being pregnant, but hopefully it won't be quite so strong.
That's the update--I'll let you know how next Tuesday's appointment goes. In terms of how I look, I'd say that my tummy is really beginning to pooch out noticeably. I heard yesterday that one of the girls in my building at work noticed my little bump and asked a mutual friend if I am pregnant . . . :) I'll have to get Michael to take my picture soon so you can see.
Thank you for your continued prayers and good thoughts for us. I know I've been kind of quiet lately and have been delayed in getting back to some of you who have written or called, but please know that I feel the good energy and love you are sending.
And I am grateful. <3
Morning sickness has been visiting me off and on quite a bit this past week, which doesn't feel good in the moment, but which always gives me a certain sense of affirmation that the baby is doing just fine. I like to think of it as a little message from him or her saying that everything's going well and not to worry.
Our other big news is that last Friday was my very last progesterone injection. I think Michael was maybe even more excited about it than I was. :) I know he's felt bad about giving me the shots when they've caused pain. It's hard to believe that I have been taking progesterone for just over two months now, but I started the shots right after our retrieval at the beginning of August . . . it's funny what you get used to. I can't say I'll miss them, that's for sure, and I am definitely looking forward to feeling better not having so much progesterone in my body. One of the worst side effects has been really horrible constipation about every other day (sorry if too much info). I've heard from Eileen and another woman she met who is now pregnant with her second IVF baby that being on the synthetic progesterone so long really does cause digestive problems. Here's hoping it gets better soon! Also hoping that I will feel more on an even keel emotionally now that I won't be getting any more shots. I'm still expecting to have some hormonal craziness just from being pregnant, but hopefully it won't be quite so strong.
That's the update--I'll let you know how next Tuesday's appointment goes. In terms of how I look, I'd say that my tummy is really beginning to pooch out noticeably. I heard yesterday that one of the girls in my building at work noticed my little bump and asked a mutual friend if I am pregnant . . . :) I'll have to get Michael to take my picture soon so you can see.
Thank you for your continued prayers and good thoughts for us. I know I've been kind of quiet lately and have been delayed in getting back to some of you who have written or called, but please know that I feel the good energy and love you are sending.
And I am grateful. <3
Monday, September 26, 2011
10 Weeks!
Today we are at 10 weeks with our little baby who is no longer an embryo but has officially become a fetus.
I am still feeling sick off and on, although it surprises me when I go a whole day (like last Saturday) with no nausea at all, then spend most of the day (like today) trying to stay at work when I would really like to be on the couch resting. I joked with Michael that it must be because it's Monday. :)
Last Thursday I saw Dr. Stempel briefly for a follow-up visit from the prior week. He offered me an ultrasound, to help reassure me that the other baby was doing fine. Michael and I talked about it, but decided we didn't need it, as I had seen the baby's heart beating just a week earlier. And while I'm sure they are perfectly safe, if an ultrasound isn't medically necessary, I'd just prefer not to have one at this point. We're just leaving the baby to grow and we'll check in again in a couple more weeks when I go back to the doctor. By that time, we will be able to hear the heartbeat with a Doppler, and we can always have an ultrasound then if something doesn't sound quite right.
Since we're not having twins anymore, I've pretty much decided that I want to find a midwife to be my primary caregiver during this pregnancy. While I'm sure Dr. Stempel is terrific in an emergency, I'm just not feeling that nurturing sense from him that I know will help me relax and enjoy my pregnancy and ultimately, the birth of my baby. I think I'm going to ask Dr. Stempel at our next visit how he feels about following my pregnancy as a kind of back-up emergency option. If push came to shove and I did need some kind of intervention, I think I'd be comfortable with him doing it, and it would sure be a lot nicer than just getting whomever happened to be on call at the time. But since most pregnancies and births aren't really complicated, I think I'd be most comfortable with a midwife. I'm leaning more and more toward the waterbirth center that my friend used with the birth of her son. I can definitely envision myself laboring and even giving birth immersed in lovely warm water. It's a much more authentic picture for me of how I want to labor and give birth, than being flat on my back with my feet in stirrups and being told to push. I'm not saying that that is wrong or bad, just that it's not the situation I will feel most relaxed in.
So we'll see what he says. I have to call tomorrow and change our appointment because we still have our original appointment (from when we thought we were having twins) scheduled for this Friday. In a way, I'm glad we already know that we're just having one because if we had gone in there on Friday all excited to see our babies on the ultrasound, I would have been that much more devastated to get the news that one didn't make it. While it's still hard letting go of what might have been, I think we are accepting what happened and are focusing more on what we have to look forward to than what we have lost.
Yesterday, Michael went shopping for maternity bras with me (isn't he a sweet guy?), and was very patient while I got fitted at Nordstrom and tried on some bras, then went to a couple more places to see what they had. I didn't end up finding what I really wanted (simple cotton bra without underwire but with wide straps), but I did make my very first "real" maternity purchase at the Motherhood store in Washington Square. I teared up when we went in because I remembered other trips to the mall over the last six years, when Michael and I walked by the store and I would say how much I hoped to one day be able to shop there. It hardly seemed real that I am suddenly now able to do just that!
I guess I have to admit that it still doesn't feel quite real yet because I'm not showing much; the saleslady at Motherhood asked me how far along I was like she wasn't quite sure I belonged in there. That could also have been because I had told her I was shopping for maternity bras. I could tell she didn't think I needed one yet. :) Even though I didn't get exactly what I set out looking for, I still had fun shopping and imaging the not-so-distant day when I will need to buy bigger pants and tops.
I am so overjoyed to be pregnant and in just 30 more weeks, our little boy or little girl will be here.
So, so exciting. <3
I am still feeling sick off and on, although it surprises me when I go a whole day (like last Saturday) with no nausea at all, then spend most of the day (like today) trying to stay at work when I would really like to be on the couch resting. I joked with Michael that it must be because it's Monday. :)
Last Thursday I saw Dr. Stempel briefly for a follow-up visit from the prior week. He offered me an ultrasound, to help reassure me that the other baby was doing fine. Michael and I talked about it, but decided we didn't need it, as I had seen the baby's heart beating just a week earlier. And while I'm sure they are perfectly safe, if an ultrasound isn't medically necessary, I'd just prefer not to have one at this point. We're just leaving the baby to grow and we'll check in again in a couple more weeks when I go back to the doctor. By that time, we will be able to hear the heartbeat with a Doppler, and we can always have an ultrasound then if something doesn't sound quite right.
Since we're not having twins anymore, I've pretty much decided that I want to find a midwife to be my primary caregiver during this pregnancy. While I'm sure Dr. Stempel is terrific in an emergency, I'm just not feeling that nurturing sense from him that I know will help me relax and enjoy my pregnancy and ultimately, the birth of my baby. I think I'm going to ask Dr. Stempel at our next visit how he feels about following my pregnancy as a kind of back-up emergency option. If push came to shove and I did need some kind of intervention, I think I'd be comfortable with him doing it, and it would sure be a lot nicer than just getting whomever happened to be on call at the time. But since most pregnancies and births aren't really complicated, I think I'd be most comfortable with a midwife. I'm leaning more and more toward the waterbirth center that my friend used with the birth of her son. I can definitely envision myself laboring and even giving birth immersed in lovely warm water. It's a much more authentic picture for me of how I want to labor and give birth, than being flat on my back with my feet in stirrups and being told to push. I'm not saying that that is wrong or bad, just that it's not the situation I will feel most relaxed in.
So we'll see what he says. I have to call tomorrow and change our appointment because we still have our original appointment (from when we thought we were having twins) scheduled for this Friday. In a way, I'm glad we already know that we're just having one because if we had gone in there on Friday all excited to see our babies on the ultrasound, I would have been that much more devastated to get the news that one didn't make it. While it's still hard letting go of what might have been, I think we are accepting what happened and are focusing more on what we have to look forward to than what we have lost.
Yesterday, Michael went shopping for maternity bras with me (isn't he a sweet guy?), and was very patient while I got fitted at Nordstrom and tried on some bras, then went to a couple more places to see what they had. I didn't end up finding what I really wanted (simple cotton bra without underwire but with wide straps), but I did make my very first "real" maternity purchase at the Motherhood store in Washington Square. I teared up when we went in because I remembered other trips to the mall over the last six years, when Michael and I walked by the store and I would say how much I hoped to one day be able to shop there. It hardly seemed real that I am suddenly now able to do just that!
I guess I have to admit that it still doesn't feel quite real yet because I'm not showing much; the saleslady at Motherhood asked me how far along I was like she wasn't quite sure I belonged in there. That could also have been because I had told her I was shopping for maternity bras. I could tell she didn't think I needed one yet. :) Even though I didn't get exactly what I set out looking for, I still had fun shopping and imaging the not-so-distant day when I will need to buy bigger pants and tops.
I am so overjoyed to be pregnant and in just 30 more weeks, our little boy or little girl will be here.
So, so exciting. <3
Sunday, September 18, 2011
"Twin B" . . . Some Sad News
It has been just over two weeks since my last post, and I feel like so much has happened . . . I haven't done a great job of keeping track of everything, but I'm chalking that up to feeling pretty crummy both physically and emotionally. Up until about a week ago, hormones were making me feel like I was always on the verge of taking someone's head off. That combined with feeling extremely tired and being nauseaus off and on every day kept me away from posting. Who wants to complain about how bad they feel when at last, what one most wants has finally happened?
Even with feeling way below my game, I was so, so overjoyed to be pregnant--and with two. What a miracle above and beyond what I thought would happen to us. The first few weeks after finding out I was pregnant were pretty anxiety-ridden, but as each week progressed and I had no symptoms beyond what I have been experiencing with the progesterone injections from the beginning, I began to think we were out of the woods and that this was really going to happen.
Michael had been talking about finding a "new-to-us" car for our soon to be growing family and sooner rather than later, since we figured with twins, I would soon be too big to easily get in and out of our little Civic. We talked about the most vital pieces of baby equipment we would need: the double stroller, at least two car seats, the diaper service, etc.
I continued to talk to the embryos every day, wrapping them in light and love, telling them to "keep growing strong and healthy," assuring them that I could handle all the pregnancy symptoms coming my way. I listened to my pregnancy meditation nearly every day, and held and kissed the little flannel heart that my friend Carrie made for me before we'd even found out for sure that I was pregnant. What a beautiful gesture that was--I'll have to post a picture of it because it helped (s) me so much in feeling connected to the growing life in my womb. I think it would be wonderful for all women going through fertility treatments to have something tangible like that to hold until their flesh-and-blood baby is in their arms. Stitched inside the flannel heart are two smaller hearts, symbolizing the two embryos wrapped in the cocoon of the womb. They can't be seen, but their outlines can be felt with the fingertips. I got in the habit of listening to my meditation in bed, with the flannel heart pressed against my heart, and in that way, feeling close to those little loves.
Beginning last weekend, I began to have a funny kind of feeling that reminded me of a hint of a urinary tract infection. There weren't any really strong symptoms that would immediately warrant getting checked out--just here and there a different kind of twinge or low pelvic pressure than what I had been experiencing. I chalked it up to anxiety and decided to just watch and see how things progressed--if it got worse, I would get tested.
The week before I began to have the strange feeling, I started calling around to see where I could go for prenatal care. I really wanted a midwife, but from what I could find out, the only way that this could happen would be to have the babies at home . . . apparently, midwives (even certified nurse-midwives who have western medical training) are not allowed to care for women carrying twins--at least in a birth center or hospital setting.
It was quite a conundrum for me because ever since serving my friend as a doula at the birth of her little boy over three years ago, I knew I wanted as natural of a pregnancy and birth as possible. But even before getting pregnant, my idea was that I would give birth at a waterbirth center--not at home. I knew that many, many women have had successful labor and births in their homes and say they wouldn't trade the experience for anything, but for me, it felt more comfortable to be in a birth center setting. So it was pretty obvious that I was not going to seek midwifery care with the twins and have them at home. I just wasn't comfortable taking the risk of something not going smoothly and having to get to a hospital quickly since we live several miles away from the nearest one.
I got a recommendation from a friend for the OB she had had with her adorable little girl, and I made an appointment for an initial consultation before beginning care. I wanted to meet him and make sure our relationship would be "a good fit." It was important to me to still try to have as natural a birth as possible with twins, and to at least have a doula in the hospital with me since I wouldn't be able to have a midwife.
I met Dr. Stempel last Monday and we had quite a long chat. At first I wasn't so sure if I liked him, as his bedside manner is a bit more "professional" than nurturing, but by the end of our visit, I could tell that he is kind and that his first concern would be my safety and that of the twins, while his second priority would be my birth experience. He said that some OBs won't even let a woman attempt a vaginal delivery with twins--they think it's too risky and just schedule a c-section. He said he was willing to see how things went and that if all looked really, really well, to proceed with a natural delivery, but that I would need to understand that things could change very quickly and I would need to trust him to tell me if and when an intervention needed to happen. I told him that I agreed--safety was my main concern--hence the reason I was sitting in his office in the first place. After more discussion about vitamins and supplements, he told me to come back in 2 weeks and I would have my first ultrasound since the one at OHSU. I would be nearly 11 weeks along by that point.
I made the appointment for September 30th and hoped I would be able to wait the nearly three weeks to find out how things were going, as waiting is not my strong suit. But as I said, I had already begun to feel a strange feeling off and on and by last Thursday it really felt like a UTI was brewing. I called and got an appointment for the following day. Dr. Stempel wasn't available but I was able to get in with a colleague of his, Dr. Prescott.
Friday morning I headed off to the appointment feeling slightly foolish--figuring I was worrying over nothing and that I probably shouldn't have called at all. Still, I didn't want to take a chance with anything--not after all we have gone through to get to this point. I figured it would be a simple pee test and then I would be on my way to work, maybe with a prescription for antibiotics, maybe with instructions to get some unsweetened cranberry juice and stave off any pending infection that way.
I didn't have to wait long at all before being shown to a room where an assistant took my vitals and asked me about my symptoms. I peed in a cup as expected and then Dr. Prescott came in. He said that my urine looked clear but they could still send it to the lab, although, being Friday, they wouldn't have results until Monday. I told him that was fine--that I wasn't in any huge amount of discomfort and that it was just an odd feeling I'd been having. He asked more questions about the pressure and I also told him that I felt like I always had to use the bathroom--even after I had just emptied my bladder. I think that was what was making me lean toward the idea of it being a UTI more than anything else. He seemed like he couldn't make up his mind about something, kind of heming and hawing for a few seconds, then said, "I bet it would make you feel better to see those heartbeats." I was surprised, as I had not expected to be offered an ultrasound as part of diagnosing an infection, but I wasn't averse to the idea. Although by this point I was feeling fairly confident in the pregnancy because of the absense of any bleeding or heavy cramping, I thought it would still be nice to have the reassurance of checking on the babies.
The doctor wheeled in a small ultrasound machine and did the test himself, using a transducer very low over my uterus. There was quite a lot of pressure, which was a bit worrisome to me, but I figured he knew what he was doing. The picture on the screen was pretty fuzzy, but after a few seconds, he was able to show me the beat of one embryo's heart. Then there was more pressure as he slid the wand back and forth across my belly. He didn't say anything and I tried not to be concerned. Then he turned to me and said, "I can't find a heartbeat on this one." Needless to say, I was stunned. How could that be? I had been so focused on the fact that I hadn't had any miscarriage symptoms that it hadn't even occured to me that one of them could just stop growing.
Dr. Prescott said they could squeeze me in with their ultrasound technician and do a transvaginal ultrasound in order to more clearly see what was going on. He asked if I wanted to call someone. I said that no, I would wait until after the second ultrasound as I didn't want to alarm Michael over nothing. He left the room and I curled up on the examing table, trying to hold it together.
"Please God, let him be wrong," I whispered over and over, hoping that by saying it aloud, it would prove true. I just couldn't believe that this could be happening. It had to be a mistake.
After about ten minutes, the ultrasound tech came to get me. We went to the room with the big ultrasound machine and I hopped up on the table. At first she just had me pull my pants down a little and used the transducer over my abdomen, but I think it was just to see how full my bladder looked. She sent me off to go pee and when I came back, had me undress for the transvaginal test.
When she came back in the room, Dr. Prescott followed her and watched as she checked the first embryo. I could see its heart beating, but they did not turn on the sound. The doctor said the embryo measured just the right size for almost nine weeks gestation. Then they looked at the second embryo, "Twin B," as I later saw it was named on the screen. I was struck by how different the embryos looked after only two weeks since our diagnostic ultrasound. Then they were mostly just dark circles on a screen. Now they looked like tiny babies, with their heads curled to their chests and tiny arms and legs forming. I could not see any heartbeat on the second embryo, but that had been the case at OHSU as well--Dr. Lee had seemed to lock and unlock the action showing on the screen, so I just waited to see what they would say.
The ultrasound tech measured the second embryo and hovered over its chest with her cursor. Then Dr. Prescott turned to me and said, "I'm so sorry but there's no heartbeat. I'm sure."
Of course I was completely devastated and started sobbing on the table. The tech left the room and the doctor wrapped his arms around me for a few seconds. He had told me after the first ultrasound that this kind of thing happened all the time in twin pregnancies and that it wasn't anything I did. Now I asked him if exposure to chemicals could have caused it (the first thing that popped into my mind), and he said that no, if that had been the case, neither of them would have made it. He also said that the second twin was slightly smaller than the first and I asked if that meant everything had just recently happened. He said yes.
I just couldn't wrap my mind around what was happening. The doctor let me get dressed then led me to an empty office and told me I could use the phone to call someone if I wanted. I just used my cell and called Michael. I asked him to tell our boss that I wouldn't be coming in today and told him that one of the embryos had stopped growing. I couldn't bring myself to say the word "died." He didn't say very much in response--probably just as shocked as I was. He said he had planned to come home anyway because he had caught a bad cold and it was getting worse.
I left the office after that call, stopping at the front desk to ask the receptionist to thank the doctor and the ultrasound tech for me. In my peripheral vision I could see that the waiting area had filled with more pregnant women. I could not look at them. I left feeling like I was back at square one--back where I'd been going through fertility treatments: scared, hopeless, alone. I kept telling myself I was still pregnant, but it didn't feel that way. I felt a tremendous sense of loss and grief for that tiny still form on the ultrasound screen, who had been alive inside me and now suddenly was not.
When I got to the parking garage, I sat in the car and called my mom. I cried and she said she was so sorry, but that maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Maybe I would not have been able to carry both. I know she meant well, but those were not the words I needed to hear right then. Honestly, I don't know if anything would have really helped. Only, "We made a mistake. Your baby is fine." Other than that, there wasn't anything that could have comforted.
I drove home in stunned shock. I can't even remember now if I was crying. I do know I missed my exit and ended up in farm country out in Hillsboro. Eventually I found my way back to a main street and made it home, but I was definitely out of it.
The house was quiet when I got home and I figured Michael was upstairs sleeping. I wasn't sure I was ready to face him yet anyway. I talked with my best friend and told her how unfair it was, how angry I was and how I just could not understand why this particular aspect of my life (becoming a mom) has to be so difficult. I told her that now I am terribly worried about the other embryo. What if it too stops growing? What will I do? The doctor had said when this happens usually it means there was something wrong with the embryo--the egg or the sperm didn't have the right number of chromosomes and so the heart just stopped. I wondered if this meant my eggs were too "old" and that my other little embryo would not make it either.
Mostly I grieved and I am still grieving. It is a feeling I can't even describe to you--feeling the loss of a tiny child whom I already loved; at the same time knowing there is at least for now, another living child still there, depending on me to be strong. I cannot completely fall apart, but I am close. I ask God why, and there is no response. I do not know what lesson I am supposed to learn from this, or if there even is one. More and more I think it is just Life, in all its unfairness and impartiality. Just as in gambling, some people are luckier in life than others. And at least in this aspect of my life, I feel that I am one of those poor souls who have invested all they had, lost a sizeable part of it, yet are still at the table playing.
Even with feeling way below my game, I was so, so overjoyed to be pregnant--and with two. What a miracle above and beyond what I thought would happen to us. The first few weeks after finding out I was pregnant were pretty anxiety-ridden, but as each week progressed and I had no symptoms beyond what I have been experiencing with the progesterone injections from the beginning, I began to think we were out of the woods and that this was really going to happen.
Michael had been talking about finding a "new-to-us" car for our soon to be growing family and sooner rather than later, since we figured with twins, I would soon be too big to easily get in and out of our little Civic. We talked about the most vital pieces of baby equipment we would need: the double stroller, at least two car seats, the diaper service, etc.
I continued to talk to the embryos every day, wrapping them in light and love, telling them to "keep growing strong and healthy," assuring them that I could handle all the pregnancy symptoms coming my way. I listened to my pregnancy meditation nearly every day, and held and kissed the little flannel heart that my friend Carrie made for me before we'd even found out for sure that I was pregnant. What a beautiful gesture that was--I'll have to post a picture of it because it helped (s) me so much in feeling connected to the growing life in my womb. I think it would be wonderful for all women going through fertility treatments to have something tangible like that to hold until their flesh-and-blood baby is in their arms. Stitched inside the flannel heart are two smaller hearts, symbolizing the two embryos wrapped in the cocoon of the womb. They can't be seen, but their outlines can be felt with the fingertips. I got in the habit of listening to my meditation in bed, with the flannel heart pressed against my heart, and in that way, feeling close to those little loves.
Beginning last weekend, I began to have a funny kind of feeling that reminded me of a hint of a urinary tract infection. There weren't any really strong symptoms that would immediately warrant getting checked out--just here and there a different kind of twinge or low pelvic pressure than what I had been experiencing. I chalked it up to anxiety and decided to just watch and see how things progressed--if it got worse, I would get tested.
The week before I began to have the strange feeling, I started calling around to see where I could go for prenatal care. I really wanted a midwife, but from what I could find out, the only way that this could happen would be to have the babies at home . . . apparently, midwives (even certified nurse-midwives who have western medical training) are not allowed to care for women carrying twins--at least in a birth center or hospital setting.
It was quite a conundrum for me because ever since serving my friend as a doula at the birth of her little boy over three years ago, I knew I wanted as natural of a pregnancy and birth as possible. But even before getting pregnant, my idea was that I would give birth at a waterbirth center--not at home. I knew that many, many women have had successful labor and births in their homes and say they wouldn't trade the experience for anything, but for me, it felt more comfortable to be in a birth center setting. So it was pretty obvious that I was not going to seek midwifery care with the twins and have them at home. I just wasn't comfortable taking the risk of something not going smoothly and having to get to a hospital quickly since we live several miles away from the nearest one.
I got a recommendation from a friend for the OB she had had with her adorable little girl, and I made an appointment for an initial consultation before beginning care. I wanted to meet him and make sure our relationship would be "a good fit." It was important to me to still try to have as natural a birth as possible with twins, and to at least have a doula in the hospital with me since I wouldn't be able to have a midwife.
I met Dr. Stempel last Monday and we had quite a long chat. At first I wasn't so sure if I liked him, as his bedside manner is a bit more "professional" than nurturing, but by the end of our visit, I could tell that he is kind and that his first concern would be my safety and that of the twins, while his second priority would be my birth experience. He said that some OBs won't even let a woman attempt a vaginal delivery with twins--they think it's too risky and just schedule a c-section. He said he was willing to see how things went and that if all looked really, really well, to proceed with a natural delivery, but that I would need to understand that things could change very quickly and I would need to trust him to tell me if and when an intervention needed to happen. I told him that I agreed--safety was my main concern--hence the reason I was sitting in his office in the first place. After more discussion about vitamins and supplements, he told me to come back in 2 weeks and I would have my first ultrasound since the one at OHSU. I would be nearly 11 weeks along by that point.
I made the appointment for September 30th and hoped I would be able to wait the nearly three weeks to find out how things were going, as waiting is not my strong suit. But as I said, I had already begun to feel a strange feeling off and on and by last Thursday it really felt like a UTI was brewing. I called and got an appointment for the following day. Dr. Stempel wasn't available but I was able to get in with a colleague of his, Dr. Prescott.
Friday morning I headed off to the appointment feeling slightly foolish--figuring I was worrying over nothing and that I probably shouldn't have called at all. Still, I didn't want to take a chance with anything--not after all we have gone through to get to this point. I figured it would be a simple pee test and then I would be on my way to work, maybe with a prescription for antibiotics, maybe with instructions to get some unsweetened cranberry juice and stave off any pending infection that way.
I didn't have to wait long at all before being shown to a room where an assistant took my vitals and asked me about my symptoms. I peed in a cup as expected and then Dr. Prescott came in. He said that my urine looked clear but they could still send it to the lab, although, being Friday, they wouldn't have results until Monday. I told him that was fine--that I wasn't in any huge amount of discomfort and that it was just an odd feeling I'd been having. He asked more questions about the pressure and I also told him that I felt like I always had to use the bathroom--even after I had just emptied my bladder. I think that was what was making me lean toward the idea of it being a UTI more than anything else. He seemed like he couldn't make up his mind about something, kind of heming and hawing for a few seconds, then said, "I bet it would make you feel better to see those heartbeats." I was surprised, as I had not expected to be offered an ultrasound as part of diagnosing an infection, but I wasn't averse to the idea. Although by this point I was feeling fairly confident in the pregnancy because of the absense of any bleeding or heavy cramping, I thought it would still be nice to have the reassurance of checking on the babies.
The doctor wheeled in a small ultrasound machine and did the test himself, using a transducer very low over my uterus. There was quite a lot of pressure, which was a bit worrisome to me, but I figured he knew what he was doing. The picture on the screen was pretty fuzzy, but after a few seconds, he was able to show me the beat of one embryo's heart. Then there was more pressure as he slid the wand back and forth across my belly. He didn't say anything and I tried not to be concerned. Then he turned to me and said, "I can't find a heartbeat on this one." Needless to say, I was stunned. How could that be? I had been so focused on the fact that I hadn't had any miscarriage symptoms that it hadn't even occured to me that one of them could just stop growing.
Dr. Prescott said they could squeeze me in with their ultrasound technician and do a transvaginal ultrasound in order to more clearly see what was going on. He asked if I wanted to call someone. I said that no, I would wait until after the second ultrasound as I didn't want to alarm Michael over nothing. He left the room and I curled up on the examing table, trying to hold it together.
"Please God, let him be wrong," I whispered over and over, hoping that by saying it aloud, it would prove true. I just couldn't believe that this could be happening. It had to be a mistake.
After about ten minutes, the ultrasound tech came to get me. We went to the room with the big ultrasound machine and I hopped up on the table. At first she just had me pull my pants down a little and used the transducer over my abdomen, but I think it was just to see how full my bladder looked. She sent me off to go pee and when I came back, had me undress for the transvaginal test.
When she came back in the room, Dr. Prescott followed her and watched as she checked the first embryo. I could see its heart beating, but they did not turn on the sound. The doctor said the embryo measured just the right size for almost nine weeks gestation. Then they looked at the second embryo, "Twin B," as I later saw it was named on the screen. I was struck by how different the embryos looked after only two weeks since our diagnostic ultrasound. Then they were mostly just dark circles on a screen. Now they looked like tiny babies, with their heads curled to their chests and tiny arms and legs forming. I could not see any heartbeat on the second embryo, but that had been the case at OHSU as well--Dr. Lee had seemed to lock and unlock the action showing on the screen, so I just waited to see what they would say.
The ultrasound tech measured the second embryo and hovered over its chest with her cursor. Then Dr. Prescott turned to me and said, "I'm so sorry but there's no heartbeat. I'm sure."
Of course I was completely devastated and started sobbing on the table. The tech left the room and the doctor wrapped his arms around me for a few seconds. He had told me after the first ultrasound that this kind of thing happened all the time in twin pregnancies and that it wasn't anything I did. Now I asked him if exposure to chemicals could have caused it (the first thing that popped into my mind), and he said that no, if that had been the case, neither of them would have made it. He also said that the second twin was slightly smaller than the first and I asked if that meant everything had just recently happened. He said yes.
I just couldn't wrap my mind around what was happening. The doctor let me get dressed then led me to an empty office and told me I could use the phone to call someone if I wanted. I just used my cell and called Michael. I asked him to tell our boss that I wouldn't be coming in today and told him that one of the embryos had stopped growing. I couldn't bring myself to say the word "died." He didn't say very much in response--probably just as shocked as I was. He said he had planned to come home anyway because he had caught a bad cold and it was getting worse.
I left the office after that call, stopping at the front desk to ask the receptionist to thank the doctor and the ultrasound tech for me. In my peripheral vision I could see that the waiting area had filled with more pregnant women. I could not look at them. I left feeling like I was back at square one--back where I'd been going through fertility treatments: scared, hopeless, alone. I kept telling myself I was still pregnant, but it didn't feel that way. I felt a tremendous sense of loss and grief for that tiny still form on the ultrasound screen, who had been alive inside me and now suddenly was not.
When I got to the parking garage, I sat in the car and called my mom. I cried and she said she was so sorry, but that maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Maybe I would not have been able to carry both. I know she meant well, but those were not the words I needed to hear right then. Honestly, I don't know if anything would have really helped. Only, "We made a mistake. Your baby is fine." Other than that, there wasn't anything that could have comforted.
I drove home in stunned shock. I can't even remember now if I was crying. I do know I missed my exit and ended up in farm country out in Hillsboro. Eventually I found my way back to a main street and made it home, but I was definitely out of it.
The house was quiet when I got home and I figured Michael was upstairs sleeping. I wasn't sure I was ready to face him yet anyway. I talked with my best friend and told her how unfair it was, how angry I was and how I just could not understand why this particular aspect of my life (becoming a mom) has to be so difficult. I told her that now I am terribly worried about the other embryo. What if it too stops growing? What will I do? The doctor had said when this happens usually it means there was something wrong with the embryo--the egg or the sperm didn't have the right number of chromosomes and so the heart just stopped. I wondered if this meant my eggs were too "old" and that my other little embryo would not make it either.
Mostly I grieved and I am still grieving. It is a feeling I can't even describe to you--feeling the loss of a tiny child whom I already loved; at the same time knowing there is at least for now, another living child still there, depending on me to be strong. I cannot completely fall apart, but I am close. I ask God why, and there is no response. I do not know what lesson I am supposed to learn from this, or if there even is one. More and more I think it is just Life, in all its unfairness and impartiality. Just as in gambling, some people are luckier in life than others. And at least in this aspect of my life, I feel that I am one of those poor souls who have invested all they had, lost a sizeable part of it, yet are still at the table playing.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
First Photo of our Little Loves
And the news is . . .
TWINS!!!!!!!!!!
Can you believe it?!
I was, and still am, in a little bit of shock to find out that I am really and truly pregnant with twins. Especially since the day didn't start out too well . . .
I got a couple hours more sleep this morning after typing the earlier blog post and was up a little after 8 to get ready for our 10:00am appointment. I was still having some fairly sharp pains in my side and then after I used the bathroom I noticed what looked like a little bit of spotting on the toilet paper when I wiped. So naturally I started to get worried. I tried to think about all the other people I know who have had some spotting during a pregnancy and it's turned out to be nothing . . . just kept telling myself "it can be normal, it can be normal, it can be normal." Needless to say I was really glad we were leaving for our appointment so we could hopefully figure out what was going on.
Michael, of course, told me I was worrying over nothing, but when it's taken you six years to get to the point where you're finally pregnant, you don't want to see anything that looks like spotting. We ended up waiting for about 25 minutes before we were called back, and I tried to stay positive and relaxed, listening to my iPod and taking deep breaths.
My favorite assistant, Annabelle, came for us, and I was really glad she was going to be with me today. She has a calm energy about her that I really love. Plus, she had been with me a few times early on in my IVF cycle and knew everything that had happened to get us to this point.
When Dr. Lee came in to greet us, he asked how things had been going and I told him I hadn't been feeling particularly great lately--that I'd had some light spotting this morning and cramping since I started the progesterone weeks ago. He suggested we get right down to it and just start the ultrasound so we could see what was going on.
First he measured my ovaries and said they were still somewhat swollen from the fertility drugs. I also still have some fluid in my abdomen from the drugs (hence my bigger-than-six-week-pregnancy belly). Then he centered the probe to focus on my uterus and I got scared because I didn't see anything moving--Eileen had told me that she and her husband had seen the baby's heart beating when they had their ultrasound. Dr. Lee calmly said, "Here's a gestational sac," and proceeded to measure a dark circle that stood out against the lighter dark of my womb. "And look what we have here," he said. As he moved the cursor on the ultrasound screen, a tiny little white part of the sac came into view and began beating! I think I stopped breathing for a few moments while I watched the heart beat. Then he nonchalantly moved the probe to explore the rest of my uterus and said, "And here is another gestational sac." Again the wait while he measured it, and then the flick of the cursor to reveal a second beating heart. "Congratulations!" he said and then when neither Michael nor I said anything for a moment, "Is this good news?" Poor guy. I can just imagine what popped through his head. We both replied "Yes!!" in unison and then Dr. Lee went back and measured each little tiny embryo within its sac, from "head to rump" or something like that. When he did that, he hit another control and we heard the tiny hearts beating one at a time. They were strong and steady and that is when I started to cry just a little.
Dr. Lee said they look great--their heartbeats are strong and are over 100 beats a minute and they measure just the right size for a six and a half week pregnancy. He also said I shouldn't worry about the spotting--that it could be from any number of things and is likely normal. Hopefully it's just some residual implantation spotting.
So we got our wonderful, wonderful news and were left to absorb it. Dr. Lee spent about 10 minutes with us after the ultrasound was over, just chatting about how happy he was for us and how glad he was that he got to be with us for each major step along the way. He asked where we're planning to go for prenatal care and I told him that I'd like to have a midwife but didn't know if they handle twin pregnancies. He said that they do (his wife is a certified nurse-midwife), but that he would recommend I also have a perinatologist follow the pregnancy and be available in case there's a need.
We got a congratulatory gift bag from OHSU with a week-by-week pregnancy book, a magnetic calendar and a postcard for us to fill out and send after the birth of the babies. Even though we've officially "graduated," Dr. Lee said they would still be available to do another ultrasound for us if it takes a while for us to get an appointment with a midwife and perinatologist.
We left in a happy daze and headed over to SW Portland for lunch at my new favorite place, "Laughing Planet." We parked in the parking structure at Good Sam hospital, but were both so distracted that we didn't pay attention to what floor we were on. It made for a good amount of searching on our way back, but we eventually found our car and headed home.
What a day, friends, what a day. Not only pregnant, but pregnant with twins. Can you believe it?!
Can you believe it?!
I was, and still am, in a little bit of shock to find out that I am really and truly pregnant with twins. Especially since the day didn't start out too well . . .
I got a couple hours more sleep this morning after typing the earlier blog post and was up a little after 8 to get ready for our 10:00am appointment. I was still having some fairly sharp pains in my side and then after I used the bathroom I noticed what looked like a little bit of spotting on the toilet paper when I wiped. So naturally I started to get worried. I tried to think about all the other people I know who have had some spotting during a pregnancy and it's turned out to be nothing . . . just kept telling myself "it can be normal, it can be normal, it can be normal." Needless to say I was really glad we were leaving for our appointment so we could hopefully figure out what was going on.
Michael, of course, told me I was worrying over nothing, but when it's taken you six years to get to the point where you're finally pregnant, you don't want to see anything that looks like spotting. We ended up waiting for about 25 minutes before we were called back, and I tried to stay positive and relaxed, listening to my iPod and taking deep breaths.
My favorite assistant, Annabelle, came for us, and I was really glad she was going to be with me today. She has a calm energy about her that I really love. Plus, she had been with me a few times early on in my IVF cycle and knew everything that had happened to get us to this point.
When Dr. Lee came in to greet us, he asked how things had been going and I told him I hadn't been feeling particularly great lately--that I'd had some light spotting this morning and cramping since I started the progesterone weeks ago. He suggested we get right down to it and just start the ultrasound so we could see what was going on.
First he measured my ovaries and said they were still somewhat swollen from the fertility drugs. I also still have some fluid in my abdomen from the drugs (hence my bigger-than-six-week-pregnancy belly). Then he centered the probe to focus on my uterus and I got scared because I didn't see anything moving--Eileen had told me that she and her husband had seen the baby's heart beating when they had their ultrasound. Dr. Lee calmly said, "Here's a gestational sac," and proceeded to measure a dark circle that stood out against the lighter dark of my womb. "And look what we have here," he said. As he moved the cursor on the ultrasound screen, a tiny little white part of the sac came into view and began beating! I think I stopped breathing for a few moments while I watched the heart beat. Then he nonchalantly moved the probe to explore the rest of my uterus and said, "And here is another gestational sac." Again the wait while he measured it, and then the flick of the cursor to reveal a second beating heart. "Congratulations!" he said and then when neither Michael nor I said anything for a moment, "Is this good news?" Poor guy. I can just imagine what popped through his head. We both replied "Yes!!" in unison and then Dr. Lee went back and measured each little tiny embryo within its sac, from "head to rump" or something like that. When he did that, he hit another control and we heard the tiny hearts beating one at a time. They were strong and steady and that is when I started to cry just a little.
Dr. Lee said they look great--their heartbeats are strong and are over 100 beats a minute and they measure just the right size for a six and a half week pregnancy. He also said I shouldn't worry about the spotting--that it could be from any number of things and is likely normal. Hopefully it's just some residual implantation spotting.
So we got our wonderful, wonderful news and were left to absorb it. Dr. Lee spent about 10 minutes with us after the ultrasound was over, just chatting about how happy he was for us and how glad he was that he got to be with us for each major step along the way. He asked where we're planning to go for prenatal care and I told him that I'd like to have a midwife but didn't know if they handle twin pregnancies. He said that they do (his wife is a certified nurse-midwife), but that he would recommend I also have a perinatologist follow the pregnancy and be available in case there's a need.
We got a congratulatory gift bag from OHSU with a week-by-week pregnancy book, a magnetic calendar and a postcard for us to fill out and send after the birth of the babies. Even though we've officially "graduated," Dr. Lee said they would still be available to do another ultrasound for us if it takes a while for us to get an appointment with a midwife and perinatologist.
We left in a happy daze and headed over to SW Portland for lunch at my new favorite place, "Laughing Planet." We parked in the parking structure at Good Sam hospital, but were both so distracted that we didn't pay attention to what floor we were on. It made for a good amount of searching on our way back, but we eventually found our car and headed home.
What a day, friends, what a day. Not only pregnant, but pregnant with twins. Can you believe it?!
Ultrasound Today!
And of course, I cannot sleep. :) But that's okay . . . I'm excited! And of course, a little anxious for what we will find out, but mostly excited. Michael and I have been really feeling strongly that we will have twins. I asked him yesterday if he will be disappointed if we find out there is only one little embryo and he said for a couple of minutes he might be, but then he will start thinking of all the "good" things about having only one at a time (fewer diaper changes, more hands on deck to take care of baby, etc.) and he will get over it.
As much as I am hoping for two, I will be overjoyed to learn that there is one, growing steadily and strongly, in the proper location. We will let you know . . .
Today I am six and a half weeks pregnant. I still almost really can't believe it. Sometimes I look in the mirror and just say, "I'm pregnant," over and over to try to get it to sink in. It's been easier to believe lately because the nausea has been getting stronger. Yesterday I didn't feel "well" until about 4pm, and while it's not fun in the moment, I wouldn't trade it for anything else.
Monday the first person at work asked me if I am pregnant. She works at a printing shop in our building, that we use to scan project drawings and make copies. Last Friday I was there placing an order and she had tried to give me a finished order of some drawings from a really big package--over 100 half-size sheets (bigger than 11x17). Needless to say, it was a hefty package and I remember saying "I'll send one of the guys down to get it. I'm not carrying a lot right now." She said that she was thinking about what I'd said later and figured that I might be pregnant. :) Of course she was excited and said that I would be such a "cute little pregnant person." Very sweet.
I have to admit that these first few weeks have been tougher than I'd thought they would be. Maybe I didn't give much thought to how I'd feel once I got pregnant since I was so focused on actually getting pregnant. Now that I'm here, I find that the roller coaster hasn't ended--but I'm blaming a lot of it on hormones. I'm down to the one concentrated progesterone injection every Friday, and I've noticed that I have a pretty rough few days following it: weepy, angry, exhausted, you name it. And I'm still having the light cramping off and on as well as now some sharp pains on my left side again which is likely from the cysts.
I've cut my hours back at work, so I think that's been helping somewhat. My boss still wants me to work until 5, but he's okay with me coming in late (between 10 and 11). So I've been getting about 6 hours a day, although yesterday it was a really big struggle not to go home early because of the nausea. I'd really rather go in earlier (maybe 8:30) and work until 3 or 3:30 since the fatigue seems to really hit in the afternoon. Depending on what we find out later today, maybe I'll suggest it to my boss . . . he'll probably be more understanding if he knows I'm carrying twins. :)
That's the update for now. Thank you all for your continued good thoughts and prayers for us. I'll let you know what we find out at the ultrasound.
As much as I am hoping for two, I will be overjoyed to learn that there is one, growing steadily and strongly, in the proper location. We will let you know . . .
Today I am six and a half weeks pregnant. I still almost really can't believe it. Sometimes I look in the mirror and just say, "I'm pregnant," over and over to try to get it to sink in. It's been easier to believe lately because the nausea has been getting stronger. Yesterday I didn't feel "well" until about 4pm, and while it's not fun in the moment, I wouldn't trade it for anything else.
Monday the first person at work asked me if I am pregnant. She works at a printing shop in our building, that we use to scan project drawings and make copies. Last Friday I was there placing an order and she had tried to give me a finished order of some drawings from a really big package--over 100 half-size sheets (bigger than 11x17). Needless to say, it was a hefty package and I remember saying "I'll send one of the guys down to get it. I'm not carrying a lot right now." She said that she was thinking about what I'd said later and figured that I might be pregnant. :) Of course she was excited and said that I would be such a "cute little pregnant person." Very sweet.
I have to admit that these first few weeks have been tougher than I'd thought they would be. Maybe I didn't give much thought to how I'd feel once I got pregnant since I was so focused on actually getting pregnant. Now that I'm here, I find that the roller coaster hasn't ended--but I'm blaming a lot of it on hormones. I'm down to the one concentrated progesterone injection every Friday, and I've noticed that I have a pretty rough few days following it: weepy, angry, exhausted, you name it. And I'm still having the light cramping off and on as well as now some sharp pains on my left side again which is likely from the cysts.
I've cut my hours back at work, so I think that's been helping somewhat. My boss still wants me to work until 5, but he's okay with me coming in late (between 10 and 11). So I've been getting about 6 hours a day, although yesterday it was a really big struggle not to go home early because of the nausea. I'd really rather go in earlier (maybe 8:30) and work until 3 or 3:30 since the fatigue seems to really hit in the afternoon. Depending on what we find out later today, maybe I'll suggest it to my boss . . . he'll probably be more understanding if he knows I'm carrying twins. :)
That's the update for now. Thank you all for your continued good thoughts and prayers for us. I'll let you know what we find out at the ultrasound.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Second Blood Test!
Wednesday morning I went in for my second blood test (B-hCG) to make sure my pregnancy hormone level was rising normally. I also had my blood typed, so they would know what my RH factor is and if I would need shots later on in the course of my pregnancy. I knew from years of giving blood that I'm A positive, but I guess they needed to do an official test since it's so important during pregnancy.
I got the call later that afternoon that my HCG level was rising normally (757) and that my progesterone level is also behaving appropriately, so now we get to "graduate" to the weekly injection as opposed to the daily one. It's a transition over a period of a few days and begins with two shots on one day (we did this last night), but the end result will be that I will start only getting one shot on Fridays. Hooray! There are some pretty good-sized lumps and a few bruises on both sides of my posterior from all of the progesterone shots, so going down to one a week will be wonderful. :)
Next up is our (cross your fingers!) final visit at OHSU . . . the first ultrasound to confirm heartbeat(s). It will be on Wednesday, August 31st, and I will be six and a half weeks' pregnant. My intuition has been telling me that there will be two little hearts beating away, but on that day we will know for sure. :) After I scheduled the appointment, I sent an email to my boss asking for that day off for both of us, so we can just relax after we get the happy news. Maybe we can take a day trip to the beach to celebrate!
I got the call later that afternoon that my HCG level was rising normally (757) and that my progesterone level is also behaving appropriately, so now we get to "graduate" to the weekly injection as opposed to the daily one. It's a transition over a period of a few days and begins with two shots on one day (we did this last night), but the end result will be that I will start only getting one shot on Fridays. Hooray! There are some pretty good-sized lumps and a few bruises on both sides of my posterior from all of the progesterone shots, so going down to one a week will be wonderful. :)
Next up is our (cross your fingers!) final visit at OHSU . . . the first ultrasound to confirm heartbeat(s). It will be on Wednesday, August 31st, and I will be six and a half weeks' pregnant. My intuition has been telling me that there will be two little hearts beating away, but on that day we will know for sure. :) After I scheduled the appointment, I sent an email to my boss asking for that day off for both of us, so we can just relax after we get the happy news. Maybe we can take a day trip to the beach to celebrate!
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