18 Week Appointment

Tuesday Michael and I met with Dr. Stempel for a quick checkup.  Since I am still bleeding/spotting, he had offered us the chance to come in after only two weeks instead of the usual four--just to help put my mind more at ease. 

I had really hoped that the bleeding would be completely over by now (four weeks after the accident), but it is not.  It's been coupled with some premenstrual-like cramping that comes and goes but which I experience nearly every day.  I have been trying hard to relax and surrender but it has been pretty rough.  As overjoyed as I am to be pregnant, I keep wishing that I felt better and that I were having an "uneventful" pregnancy--one in which I just dealt with morningsickness (which I still have a bit of too) instead of these other things that make it hard for me not to worry. 

When I notice my thoughts beginning to spiral around what might happen, I make myself stop and try to visualize our baby coming home from the hospital/birth center.  I try to picture what he will look like at 6 months, at 1 year, at two years.  I get in bed and read out loud to him from some of my favorite children's books.  I think it's still a bit early at this point for him to be able to hear my voice (soon!), but reading to him helps me refocus and point my mind toward what I want instead of what I fear.  It helps me feel close to him.

Dr. Stempel's office must have been running somewhat behind on Tuesday because we ended up waiting the longest that we've ever waited.  I kept watching women who arrived after me be taken back before me.  But no matter.  Neither of us were really keen to get in and out because then we would have felt more obligated to go back to work.  If our 2:45pm appointment took longer than, say, an hour for us to be out the door, we were planning on just going home afterward.

Renee finally came to get us around 3:15 or so and led us back to our usual examining room.  First up was checking my weight which came in at 137 pounds--down a pound from our last visit.  She didn't remark on it, so it must have been fine.  My blood pressure was a little higher than I remember it being last time, although I only remember the top number (120).  Usually it is quite a bit lower than that but I was probably also amped up about the visit. 

I had asked Michael to help me remember to ask for the information packet about Emanuel, since if we decide on a hospital birth, that is where we will go.  Renee must have been reading my mind because she asked if we had decided yet on where we wanted to have the baby.  She gave us a spiral bound notebook full of facts and forms to fill out which Michael started checking out right away. 

When Dr. Stempel came in, he asked how things were going, but didn't seem overly concerned when I told him about the bleeding and that sometimes it has more pink or red in it than dark brown.  He went right to work measuring my womb and said that I've grown 4 cm since our last visit two weeks ago.  That was really good to hear.  Then he used the Doppler to find the baby's heartbeat and we heard it again, loud and strong.  It almost sounded faster to me than before but he said it was 145 beats per minute, which is normal.

That was it for the checkup.  I asked him again about the bleeding and cramping but he basically repeated what he'd told me last time: that it would be better if I wasn't experiencing those things, but that some women do and most of the time it turns out okay for mom and baby.  Sometimes it doesn't.  I asked if I should be restricting my activity and he said that I probably already am (yes), but that he doesn't think going on bedrest would improve my chances and that I would probably feel better to continue the activities I have been doing (mostly just working).

I left feeling somewhat discouraged.  Maybe I am worrying more than I should be.  I tried to explain to Michael how hard it is not to worry when I feel so awful most of the time, and when I have the constant reminder of the bleeding every time I use the bathroom, which is a lot.  I told him that I think it is easier not to worry when the baby is not growing inside of you. 

So we go back in two weeks for the 20 week appointment.  We'll have the anatomy ultrasound to check on the baby's organ development, placement of the placenta, amniotic fluid level, etc.  I am looking forward to seeing my sweet boy again, to finding out that everything is still progressing just fine, and to hopefully getting one or two more ultrasound pictures.

If you could please continue to pray for us (and especially me, I think at this point), I would really, really appreciate it.  I need to somehow find some peace over this situation where I feel I have so little control.

Thank you, as always.  <3