I'm struggling tonight. The blood test is in 4 days and I am so afraid of a negative result. I know I wouldn't probably be feeling this way except that yesterday and today I have felt crampy, which makes me think my period is getting ready to begin.
Today the crampiness was worse than yesterday, but that could also be due to the progesterone shots I've still been getting once a day. And last night I got a little more than normal because Michael dropped the syringe (not my fault this time), and some of the medicine oozed out before he could get the alcohol pad on it. So we did a second shot with a bit more progesterone to make sure that I got the full dose. Maybe that's the reason for the crampiness. I also read on one website that it can be due to the embryo(s) growing and the uterus making adjustments for those changes.
Who knows, really? My mind spins in a thousand different directions, trying to determine if something I may have done (or didn't do) will be responsible if this does not turn out as we hope. But there will be no way to know for sure. I tell myself I am doing the very best I can.
I called Eileen tonight on my way home from work and asked her about how she felt before her blood test because I knew that she felt certain she was not pregnant. I probably should not have called. She had what she thought were PMS symptoms too, (but were really implantation symptoms), but I think they happened a little earlier on after her transfer than what I am feeling now. She said she didn't have any soreness in her breasts at all, while mine have felt very tender and swollen since before the retrieval (even more so now), which could be due to the progesterone. Or it could be a sign of my period approaching as it is a symptom I usually get each month. I know that all of our bodies are different and the experience will be different for all of us--but I know I would feel better if my experience matched up with Eileen's since she is now 16 weeks' pregnant.
Maybe I will feel better tomorrow. I have been feeling more tired (also likely due to the progesterone), but there's only one more day of work ahead of me. Maybe I will call OHSU tomorrow and talk to one of the nurses to see if what I am experiencing could still mean I am pregnant.
I have a feeling the next few days are going to be really tough as I get closer to finding out for sure. I hope I'm up for it. I told Eileen that since I felt so icky today, I have been trying to prepare myself for a negative test result, because I don't want to fall apart if we get one. I knew when we started IVF that it may not work the first time out (hence the reason for the multi-cycle plan), yet I have been feeling so positive up until now that to suddenly seriously consider the possibility of this not working the way I want is so scary and makes me feel very alone. Of course, I know I'm not alone. I know I have a very wonderful circle of family and friends praying for me and supporting me, but they are not the ones experiencing this cycle, so they cannot completely understand. Not that I would ever want them to know what this feels like.
For now, I'll just keep going forward and hope that tomorrow I feel better. And if I continue to feel the same crampy symptoms, I hope I will be given the strength and courage to handle whatever comes next.
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Amy, those are all signs that you COULD BE pregnant! I had cramping in the early stages of both of my pregnancies, and know friends who had them as well. And the breast tenderness and tiredness are also definite signs. So try not to worry too much before having the blood test... although I know it must be so difficult not to worry.
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