Oh Happy Day!

After six years of trying to conceive a child, today I got to say, "I'm pregnant!"  They are most likely the sweetest words that have ever left my lips.  :)

And oh, my friends, without your love and support and thoughts and prayers, I would not have been able to get this far.  So thank you, from every part of me, from every part of Michael--thank you.

I didn't sleep well last night (kept waking up, having trouble getting comfortable).  I finally got up when Michael did around 5:30am and got ready for work.  My blood test was at 8:45 and I knew I needed to go in to work early to get my timesheet done leaving for the appointment.

The whole drive to OHSU I kept thinking about all the previous visits, and wondering how many more I would be making to the clinic.  Would this be my last for awhile?  Would I have a couple more and then be released to an OBGYN or midwife?  I thought about how far we have come, just in the last month (!) and I tried again to grasp the concept that whatever the outcome of the blood test, we would be all right.  We would still one day be parents. 

I was also a little nervous because over the past 3 days or so, my abdomen seemed to be getting awfully big--kind of distended.  It was so taut that I could no longer pinch an inch of belly fat around my bellybutton as I had when Michael was giving me the Follistim and Menopur injections just a few weeks ago.  I worried that I was perhaps experiencing OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) which can happen when fertility drugs (especially the Ovidrel "trigger" shot) cause the ovaries to become enlarged and fluid to build up in the abdominal cavity.  It seemed like if it was going to happen it would have happened quite a bit sooner after my trigger shot (which was about 17 days ago at this point).  Still, it was worrisome and I had resolved to ask whoever drew my blood about it.

I didn't wait long at all today before being called back.  A really nice assistant named Leila drew my blood and while she was getting me ready, another of the assistants who has drawn my blood a few times and been present during my ultrasounds, Annabelle, came over to wish me luck.  She looked at me with such an expression of hope and goodwill . . . I have almost asked her before how she handles the emotions that go along with helping us get to baby--how she can be at once so caring and nurturing, while at the same time keeping herself safe from our changing emotions and at the inevitable disappointment when things don't work out as we'd hoped.  Sometime I would still like to ask her those questions.

I asked Leila if it was normal to have a belly as big as mine at this point in my cycle and her response was "Let's hope you're pregnant."  She didn't seem concerned at all although she did make a note of my symptoms (taut belly, feeling full fast while only eating about half as much as normal) and said she'd let a nurse know and they'd call if they needed to follow up. 

I gave Leila Michael's number and asked her to give him the news, because honestly, I just didn't feel like I could handle it at work.  Then on my drive to work, I began to feel more confident.  It's odd that I noticed it today, and maybe it's totally unrelated, but I noticed a strange taste in my mouth--I'm not sure if I would call it "metallic" but definitely odd and one that didn't go away after food or drink.  I had heard about some women experiencing this odd taste during pregnancy and I wondered: could I really be pregnant??

I got braver on the drive back and when I got back to our building, I told Michael that I thought I wanted to answer the phone after all.  I asked him to bring it to me when they called and he agreed that he would. 

I was pretty sure they wouldn't call until after 2pm (after the doctors' daily IVF case review meeting) but that didn't stop me from checking the clock every few minutes.  :)  I checked with Michael around 11:30 and no, they hadn't called yet. 

We went for lunch around 12 and took our phones with us, sitting outside the building and enjoying the sun.  Still, no call.  Then we went for a short walk and even had a Post-it pad and pen with us, just in case they called--but no.

I did not know how I was going to make it through the day not knowing, because I'd originally told Michael that I didn't want to know at work--that I wanted him to wait to tell me until we got home.  I figured I wouldn't be able to function and concentrate no matter the outcome.  I was right!

I just happened to be up and standing outside my cube a little after 2pm and could see Michael talking to one of our co-workers.  Then I heard his cell phone ring and I started over to his desk.  On the way, I was stopped by another co-worker who had a question, but I asked him if I could get back to him and hurried over to Michael's cube.  I peeped over the wall to see if I could gauge what was going on by his body language and tone.  He was writing something down and chuckling!  Into the cube I went for the news.  He half turned away from the phone to give me a thumbs-up and I think he mouthed "You're pregnant," and I just could not believe it.  I think I whispered, "Oh my God," several times, and then he handed me the phone because the nurse was trying to schedule me to come in for a follow-up blood test on Wednesday.  I think I asked her, "I'm really pregnant?" or I said "I can't believe it" or soemthing like that.  She agreed that yes, it was very good news.  She also said that my HCG level today was 394 which she called a "strong" number and said that my progesterone level was over 20 which is what they want to see. 

So now I go back on Wednesday for another blood test and they will expect to see my HCG level nearly doubled by then.  After that, according to Eileen, it is another two week wait (oh please help me) until my first ultrasound to confirm a heartbeat(s). 

So, so exciting and I can hardly believe it is really happening after all this time.  (!)  Michael and I have made a few calls tonight, mostly to family, telling them the good news and it has sounded surreal each time I've said, "I'm pregnant." 

Surreal, but delicious, and absolutely true. 

Thank you all again, so much more than I can put into words.

<3   <3  <3  <3