Wednesday, August 31, 2011
First Photo of our Little Loves
And the news is . . .
TWINS!!!!!!!!!!
Can you believe it?!
I was, and still am, in a little bit of shock to find out that I am really and truly pregnant with twins. Especially since the day didn't start out too well . . .
I got a couple hours more sleep this morning after typing the earlier blog post and was up a little after 8 to get ready for our 10:00am appointment. I was still having some fairly sharp pains in my side and then after I used the bathroom I noticed what looked like a little bit of spotting on the toilet paper when I wiped. So naturally I started to get worried. I tried to think about all the other people I know who have had some spotting during a pregnancy and it's turned out to be nothing . . . just kept telling myself "it can be normal, it can be normal, it can be normal." Needless to say I was really glad we were leaving for our appointment so we could hopefully figure out what was going on.
Michael, of course, told me I was worrying over nothing, but when it's taken you six years to get to the point where you're finally pregnant, you don't want to see anything that looks like spotting. We ended up waiting for about 25 minutes before we were called back, and I tried to stay positive and relaxed, listening to my iPod and taking deep breaths.
My favorite assistant, Annabelle, came for us, and I was really glad she was going to be with me today. She has a calm energy about her that I really love. Plus, she had been with me a few times early on in my IVF cycle and knew everything that had happened to get us to this point.
When Dr. Lee came in to greet us, he asked how things had been going and I told him I hadn't been feeling particularly great lately--that I'd had some light spotting this morning and cramping since I started the progesterone weeks ago. He suggested we get right down to it and just start the ultrasound so we could see what was going on.
First he measured my ovaries and said they were still somewhat swollen from the fertility drugs. I also still have some fluid in my abdomen from the drugs (hence my bigger-than-six-week-pregnancy belly). Then he centered the probe to focus on my uterus and I got scared because I didn't see anything moving--Eileen had told me that she and her husband had seen the baby's heart beating when they had their ultrasound. Dr. Lee calmly said, "Here's a gestational sac," and proceeded to measure a dark circle that stood out against the lighter dark of my womb. "And look what we have here," he said. As he moved the cursor on the ultrasound screen, a tiny little white part of the sac came into view and began beating! I think I stopped breathing for a few moments while I watched the heart beat. Then he nonchalantly moved the probe to explore the rest of my uterus and said, "And here is another gestational sac." Again the wait while he measured it, and then the flick of the cursor to reveal a second beating heart. "Congratulations!" he said and then when neither Michael nor I said anything for a moment, "Is this good news?" Poor guy. I can just imagine what popped through his head. We both replied "Yes!!" in unison and then Dr. Lee went back and measured each little tiny embryo within its sac, from "head to rump" or something like that. When he did that, he hit another control and we heard the tiny hearts beating one at a time. They were strong and steady and that is when I started to cry just a little.
Dr. Lee said they look great--their heartbeats are strong and are over 100 beats a minute and they measure just the right size for a six and a half week pregnancy. He also said I shouldn't worry about the spotting--that it could be from any number of things and is likely normal. Hopefully it's just some residual implantation spotting.
So we got our wonderful, wonderful news and were left to absorb it. Dr. Lee spent about 10 minutes with us after the ultrasound was over, just chatting about how happy he was for us and how glad he was that he got to be with us for each major step along the way. He asked where we're planning to go for prenatal care and I told him that I'd like to have a midwife but didn't know if they handle twin pregnancies. He said that they do (his wife is a certified nurse-midwife), but that he would recommend I also have a perinatologist follow the pregnancy and be available in case there's a need.
We got a congratulatory gift bag from OHSU with a week-by-week pregnancy book, a magnetic calendar and a postcard for us to fill out and send after the birth of the babies. Even though we've officially "graduated," Dr. Lee said they would still be available to do another ultrasound for us if it takes a while for us to get an appointment with a midwife and perinatologist.
We left in a happy daze and headed over to SW Portland for lunch at my new favorite place, "Laughing Planet." We parked in the parking structure at Good Sam hospital, but were both so distracted that we didn't pay attention to what floor we were on. It made for a good amount of searching on our way back, but we eventually found our car and headed home.
What a day, friends, what a day. Not only pregnant, but pregnant with twins. Can you believe it?!
Can you believe it?!
I was, and still am, in a little bit of shock to find out that I am really and truly pregnant with twins. Especially since the day didn't start out too well . . .
I got a couple hours more sleep this morning after typing the earlier blog post and was up a little after 8 to get ready for our 10:00am appointment. I was still having some fairly sharp pains in my side and then after I used the bathroom I noticed what looked like a little bit of spotting on the toilet paper when I wiped. So naturally I started to get worried. I tried to think about all the other people I know who have had some spotting during a pregnancy and it's turned out to be nothing . . . just kept telling myself "it can be normal, it can be normal, it can be normal." Needless to say I was really glad we were leaving for our appointment so we could hopefully figure out what was going on.
Michael, of course, told me I was worrying over nothing, but when it's taken you six years to get to the point where you're finally pregnant, you don't want to see anything that looks like spotting. We ended up waiting for about 25 minutes before we were called back, and I tried to stay positive and relaxed, listening to my iPod and taking deep breaths.
My favorite assistant, Annabelle, came for us, and I was really glad she was going to be with me today. She has a calm energy about her that I really love. Plus, she had been with me a few times early on in my IVF cycle and knew everything that had happened to get us to this point.
When Dr. Lee came in to greet us, he asked how things had been going and I told him I hadn't been feeling particularly great lately--that I'd had some light spotting this morning and cramping since I started the progesterone weeks ago. He suggested we get right down to it and just start the ultrasound so we could see what was going on.
First he measured my ovaries and said they were still somewhat swollen from the fertility drugs. I also still have some fluid in my abdomen from the drugs (hence my bigger-than-six-week-pregnancy belly). Then he centered the probe to focus on my uterus and I got scared because I didn't see anything moving--Eileen had told me that she and her husband had seen the baby's heart beating when they had their ultrasound. Dr. Lee calmly said, "Here's a gestational sac," and proceeded to measure a dark circle that stood out against the lighter dark of my womb. "And look what we have here," he said. As he moved the cursor on the ultrasound screen, a tiny little white part of the sac came into view and began beating! I think I stopped breathing for a few moments while I watched the heart beat. Then he nonchalantly moved the probe to explore the rest of my uterus and said, "And here is another gestational sac." Again the wait while he measured it, and then the flick of the cursor to reveal a second beating heart. "Congratulations!" he said and then when neither Michael nor I said anything for a moment, "Is this good news?" Poor guy. I can just imagine what popped through his head. We both replied "Yes!!" in unison and then Dr. Lee went back and measured each little tiny embryo within its sac, from "head to rump" or something like that. When he did that, he hit another control and we heard the tiny hearts beating one at a time. They were strong and steady and that is when I started to cry just a little.
Dr. Lee said they look great--their heartbeats are strong and are over 100 beats a minute and they measure just the right size for a six and a half week pregnancy. He also said I shouldn't worry about the spotting--that it could be from any number of things and is likely normal. Hopefully it's just some residual implantation spotting.
So we got our wonderful, wonderful news and were left to absorb it. Dr. Lee spent about 10 minutes with us after the ultrasound was over, just chatting about how happy he was for us and how glad he was that he got to be with us for each major step along the way. He asked where we're planning to go for prenatal care and I told him that I'd like to have a midwife but didn't know if they handle twin pregnancies. He said that they do (his wife is a certified nurse-midwife), but that he would recommend I also have a perinatologist follow the pregnancy and be available in case there's a need.
We got a congratulatory gift bag from OHSU with a week-by-week pregnancy book, a magnetic calendar and a postcard for us to fill out and send after the birth of the babies. Even though we've officially "graduated," Dr. Lee said they would still be available to do another ultrasound for us if it takes a while for us to get an appointment with a midwife and perinatologist.
We left in a happy daze and headed over to SW Portland for lunch at my new favorite place, "Laughing Planet." We parked in the parking structure at Good Sam hospital, but were both so distracted that we didn't pay attention to what floor we were on. It made for a good amount of searching on our way back, but we eventually found our car and headed home.
What a day, friends, what a day. Not only pregnant, but pregnant with twins. Can you believe it?!
Ultrasound Today!
And of course, I cannot sleep. :) But that's okay . . . I'm excited! And of course, a little anxious for what we will find out, but mostly excited. Michael and I have been really feeling strongly that we will have twins. I asked him yesterday if he will be disappointed if we find out there is only one little embryo and he said for a couple of minutes he might be, but then he will start thinking of all the "good" things about having only one at a time (fewer diaper changes, more hands on deck to take care of baby, etc.) and he will get over it.
As much as I am hoping for two, I will be overjoyed to learn that there is one, growing steadily and strongly, in the proper location. We will let you know . . .
Today I am six and a half weeks pregnant. I still almost really can't believe it. Sometimes I look in the mirror and just say, "I'm pregnant," over and over to try to get it to sink in. It's been easier to believe lately because the nausea has been getting stronger. Yesterday I didn't feel "well" until about 4pm, and while it's not fun in the moment, I wouldn't trade it for anything else.
Monday the first person at work asked me if I am pregnant. She works at a printing shop in our building, that we use to scan project drawings and make copies. Last Friday I was there placing an order and she had tried to give me a finished order of some drawings from a really big package--over 100 half-size sheets (bigger than 11x17). Needless to say, it was a hefty package and I remember saying "I'll send one of the guys down to get it. I'm not carrying a lot right now." She said that she was thinking about what I'd said later and figured that I might be pregnant. :) Of course she was excited and said that I would be such a "cute little pregnant person." Very sweet.
I have to admit that these first few weeks have been tougher than I'd thought they would be. Maybe I didn't give much thought to how I'd feel once I got pregnant since I was so focused on actually getting pregnant. Now that I'm here, I find that the roller coaster hasn't ended--but I'm blaming a lot of it on hormones. I'm down to the one concentrated progesterone injection every Friday, and I've noticed that I have a pretty rough few days following it: weepy, angry, exhausted, you name it. And I'm still having the light cramping off and on as well as now some sharp pains on my left side again which is likely from the cysts.
I've cut my hours back at work, so I think that's been helping somewhat. My boss still wants me to work until 5, but he's okay with me coming in late (between 10 and 11). So I've been getting about 6 hours a day, although yesterday it was a really big struggle not to go home early because of the nausea. I'd really rather go in earlier (maybe 8:30) and work until 3 or 3:30 since the fatigue seems to really hit in the afternoon. Depending on what we find out later today, maybe I'll suggest it to my boss . . . he'll probably be more understanding if he knows I'm carrying twins. :)
That's the update for now. Thank you all for your continued good thoughts and prayers for us. I'll let you know what we find out at the ultrasound.
As much as I am hoping for two, I will be overjoyed to learn that there is one, growing steadily and strongly, in the proper location. We will let you know . . .
Today I am six and a half weeks pregnant. I still almost really can't believe it. Sometimes I look in the mirror and just say, "I'm pregnant," over and over to try to get it to sink in. It's been easier to believe lately because the nausea has been getting stronger. Yesterday I didn't feel "well" until about 4pm, and while it's not fun in the moment, I wouldn't trade it for anything else.
Monday the first person at work asked me if I am pregnant. She works at a printing shop in our building, that we use to scan project drawings and make copies. Last Friday I was there placing an order and she had tried to give me a finished order of some drawings from a really big package--over 100 half-size sheets (bigger than 11x17). Needless to say, it was a hefty package and I remember saying "I'll send one of the guys down to get it. I'm not carrying a lot right now." She said that she was thinking about what I'd said later and figured that I might be pregnant. :) Of course she was excited and said that I would be such a "cute little pregnant person." Very sweet.
I have to admit that these first few weeks have been tougher than I'd thought they would be. Maybe I didn't give much thought to how I'd feel once I got pregnant since I was so focused on actually getting pregnant. Now that I'm here, I find that the roller coaster hasn't ended--but I'm blaming a lot of it on hormones. I'm down to the one concentrated progesterone injection every Friday, and I've noticed that I have a pretty rough few days following it: weepy, angry, exhausted, you name it. And I'm still having the light cramping off and on as well as now some sharp pains on my left side again which is likely from the cysts.
I've cut my hours back at work, so I think that's been helping somewhat. My boss still wants me to work until 5, but he's okay with me coming in late (between 10 and 11). So I've been getting about 6 hours a day, although yesterday it was a really big struggle not to go home early because of the nausea. I'd really rather go in earlier (maybe 8:30) and work until 3 or 3:30 since the fatigue seems to really hit in the afternoon. Depending on what we find out later today, maybe I'll suggest it to my boss . . . he'll probably be more understanding if he knows I'm carrying twins. :)
That's the update for now. Thank you all for your continued good thoughts and prayers for us. I'll let you know what we find out at the ultrasound.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Second Blood Test!
Wednesday morning I went in for my second blood test (B-hCG) to make sure my pregnancy hormone level was rising normally. I also had my blood typed, so they would know what my RH factor is and if I would need shots later on in the course of my pregnancy. I knew from years of giving blood that I'm A positive, but I guess they needed to do an official test since it's so important during pregnancy.
I got the call later that afternoon that my HCG level was rising normally (757) and that my progesterone level is also behaving appropriately, so now we get to "graduate" to the weekly injection as opposed to the daily one. It's a transition over a period of a few days and begins with two shots on one day (we did this last night), but the end result will be that I will start only getting one shot on Fridays. Hooray! There are some pretty good-sized lumps and a few bruises on both sides of my posterior from all of the progesterone shots, so going down to one a week will be wonderful. :)
Next up is our (cross your fingers!) final visit at OHSU . . . the first ultrasound to confirm heartbeat(s). It will be on Wednesday, August 31st, and I will be six and a half weeks' pregnant. My intuition has been telling me that there will be two little hearts beating away, but on that day we will know for sure. :) After I scheduled the appointment, I sent an email to my boss asking for that day off for both of us, so we can just relax after we get the happy news. Maybe we can take a day trip to the beach to celebrate!
I got the call later that afternoon that my HCG level was rising normally (757) and that my progesterone level is also behaving appropriately, so now we get to "graduate" to the weekly injection as opposed to the daily one. It's a transition over a period of a few days and begins with two shots on one day (we did this last night), but the end result will be that I will start only getting one shot on Fridays. Hooray! There are some pretty good-sized lumps and a few bruises on both sides of my posterior from all of the progesterone shots, so going down to one a week will be wonderful. :)
Next up is our (cross your fingers!) final visit at OHSU . . . the first ultrasound to confirm heartbeat(s). It will be on Wednesday, August 31st, and I will be six and a half weeks' pregnant. My intuition has been telling me that there will be two little hearts beating away, but on that day we will know for sure. :) After I scheduled the appointment, I sent an email to my boss asking for that day off for both of us, so we can just relax after we get the happy news. Maybe we can take a day trip to the beach to celebrate!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Oh Happy Day!
After six years of trying to conceive a child, today I got to say, "I'm pregnant!" They are most likely the sweetest words that have ever left my lips. :)
And oh, my friends, without your love and support and thoughts and prayers, I would not have been able to get this far. So thank you, from every part of me, from every part of Michael--thank you.
I didn't sleep well last night (kept waking up, having trouble getting comfortable). I finally got up when Michael did around 5:30am and got ready for work. My blood test was at 8:45 and I knew I needed to go in to work early to get my timesheet done leaving for the appointment.
The whole drive to OHSU I kept thinking about all the previous visits, and wondering how many more I would be making to the clinic. Would this be my last for awhile? Would I have a couple more and then be released to an OBGYN or midwife? I thought about how far we have come, just in the last month (!) and I tried again to grasp the concept that whatever the outcome of the blood test, we would be all right. We would still one day be parents.
I was also a little nervous because over the past 3 days or so, my abdomen seemed to be getting awfully big--kind of distended. It was so taut that I could no longer pinch an inch of belly fat around my bellybutton as I had when Michael was giving me the Follistim and Menopur injections just a few weeks ago. I worried that I was perhaps experiencing OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) which can happen when fertility drugs (especially the Ovidrel "trigger" shot) cause the ovaries to become enlarged and fluid to build up in the abdominal cavity. It seemed like if it was going to happen it would have happened quite a bit sooner after my trigger shot (which was about 17 days ago at this point). Still, it was worrisome and I had resolved to ask whoever drew my blood about it.
I didn't wait long at all today before being called back. A really nice assistant named Leila drew my blood and while she was getting me ready, another of the assistants who has drawn my blood a few times and been present during my ultrasounds, Annabelle, came over to wish me luck. She looked at me with such an expression of hope and goodwill . . . I have almost asked her before how she handles the emotions that go along with helping us get to baby--how she can be at once so caring and nurturing, while at the same time keeping herself safe from our changing emotions and at the inevitable disappointment when things don't work out as we'd hoped. Sometime I would still like to ask her those questions.
I asked Leila if it was normal to have a belly as big as mine at this point in my cycle and her response was "Let's hope you're pregnant." She didn't seem concerned at all although she did make a note of my symptoms (taut belly, feeling full fast while only eating about half as much as normal) and said she'd let a nurse know and they'd call if they needed to follow up.
I gave Leila Michael's number and asked her to give him the news, because honestly, I just didn't feel like I could handle it at work. Then on my drive to work, I began to feel more confident. It's odd that I noticed it today, and maybe it's totally unrelated, but I noticed a strange taste in my mouth--I'm not sure if I would call it "metallic" but definitely odd and one that didn't go away after food or drink. I had heard about some women experiencing this odd taste during pregnancy and I wondered: could I really be pregnant??
I got braver on the drive back and when I got back to our building, I told Michael that I thought I wanted to answer the phone after all. I asked him to bring it to me when they called and he agreed that he would.
I was pretty sure they wouldn't call until after 2pm (after the doctors' daily IVF case review meeting) but that didn't stop me from checking the clock every few minutes. :) I checked with Michael around 11:30 and no, they hadn't called yet.
We went for lunch around 12 and took our phones with us, sitting outside the building and enjoying the sun. Still, no call. Then we went for a short walk and even had a Post-it pad and pen with us, just in case they called--but no.
I did not know how I was going to make it through the day not knowing, because I'd originally told Michael that I didn't want to know at work--that I wanted him to wait to tell me until we got home. I figured I wouldn't be able to function and concentrate no matter the outcome. I was right!
I just happened to be up and standing outside my cube a little after 2pm and could see Michael talking to one of our co-workers. Then I heard his cell phone ring and I started over to his desk. On the way, I was stopped by another co-worker who had a question, but I asked him if I could get back to him and hurried over to Michael's cube. I peeped over the wall to see if I could gauge what was going on by his body language and tone. He was writing something down and chuckling! Into the cube I went for the news. He half turned away from the phone to give me a thumbs-up and I think he mouthed "You're pregnant," and I just could not believe it. I think I whispered, "Oh my God," several times, and then he handed me the phone because the nurse was trying to schedule me to come in for a follow-up blood test on Wednesday. I think I asked her, "I'm really pregnant?" or I said "I can't believe it" or soemthing like that. She agreed that yes, it was very good news. She also said that my HCG level today was 394 which she called a "strong" number and said that my progesterone level was over 20 which is what they want to see.
So now I go back on Wednesday for another blood test and they will expect to see my HCG level nearly doubled by then. After that, according to Eileen, it is another two week wait (oh please help me) until my first ultrasound to confirm a heartbeat(s).
So, so exciting and I can hardly believe it is really happening after all this time. (!) Michael and I have made a few calls tonight, mostly to family, telling them the good news and it has sounded surreal each time I've said, "I'm pregnant."
Surreal, but delicious, and absolutely true.
Thank you all again, so much more than I can put into words.
<3 <3 <3 <3
And oh, my friends, without your love and support and thoughts and prayers, I would not have been able to get this far. So thank you, from every part of me, from every part of Michael--thank you.
I didn't sleep well last night (kept waking up, having trouble getting comfortable). I finally got up when Michael did around 5:30am and got ready for work. My blood test was at 8:45 and I knew I needed to go in to work early to get my timesheet done leaving for the appointment.
The whole drive to OHSU I kept thinking about all the previous visits, and wondering how many more I would be making to the clinic. Would this be my last for awhile? Would I have a couple more and then be released to an OBGYN or midwife? I thought about how far we have come, just in the last month (!) and I tried again to grasp the concept that whatever the outcome of the blood test, we would be all right. We would still one day be parents.
I was also a little nervous because over the past 3 days or so, my abdomen seemed to be getting awfully big--kind of distended. It was so taut that I could no longer pinch an inch of belly fat around my bellybutton as I had when Michael was giving me the Follistim and Menopur injections just a few weeks ago. I worried that I was perhaps experiencing OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) which can happen when fertility drugs (especially the Ovidrel "trigger" shot) cause the ovaries to become enlarged and fluid to build up in the abdominal cavity. It seemed like if it was going to happen it would have happened quite a bit sooner after my trigger shot (which was about 17 days ago at this point). Still, it was worrisome and I had resolved to ask whoever drew my blood about it.
I didn't wait long at all today before being called back. A really nice assistant named Leila drew my blood and while she was getting me ready, another of the assistants who has drawn my blood a few times and been present during my ultrasounds, Annabelle, came over to wish me luck. She looked at me with such an expression of hope and goodwill . . . I have almost asked her before how she handles the emotions that go along with helping us get to baby--how she can be at once so caring and nurturing, while at the same time keeping herself safe from our changing emotions and at the inevitable disappointment when things don't work out as we'd hoped. Sometime I would still like to ask her those questions.
I asked Leila if it was normal to have a belly as big as mine at this point in my cycle and her response was "Let's hope you're pregnant." She didn't seem concerned at all although she did make a note of my symptoms (taut belly, feeling full fast while only eating about half as much as normal) and said she'd let a nurse know and they'd call if they needed to follow up.
I gave Leila Michael's number and asked her to give him the news, because honestly, I just didn't feel like I could handle it at work. Then on my drive to work, I began to feel more confident. It's odd that I noticed it today, and maybe it's totally unrelated, but I noticed a strange taste in my mouth--I'm not sure if I would call it "metallic" but definitely odd and one that didn't go away after food or drink. I had heard about some women experiencing this odd taste during pregnancy and I wondered: could I really be pregnant??
I got braver on the drive back and when I got back to our building, I told Michael that I thought I wanted to answer the phone after all. I asked him to bring it to me when they called and he agreed that he would.
I was pretty sure they wouldn't call until after 2pm (after the doctors' daily IVF case review meeting) but that didn't stop me from checking the clock every few minutes. :) I checked with Michael around 11:30 and no, they hadn't called yet.
We went for lunch around 12 and took our phones with us, sitting outside the building and enjoying the sun. Still, no call. Then we went for a short walk and even had a Post-it pad and pen with us, just in case they called--but no.
I did not know how I was going to make it through the day not knowing, because I'd originally told Michael that I didn't want to know at work--that I wanted him to wait to tell me until we got home. I figured I wouldn't be able to function and concentrate no matter the outcome. I was right!
I just happened to be up and standing outside my cube a little after 2pm and could see Michael talking to one of our co-workers. Then I heard his cell phone ring and I started over to his desk. On the way, I was stopped by another co-worker who had a question, but I asked him if I could get back to him and hurried over to Michael's cube. I peeped over the wall to see if I could gauge what was going on by his body language and tone. He was writing something down and chuckling! Into the cube I went for the news. He half turned away from the phone to give me a thumbs-up and I think he mouthed "You're pregnant," and I just could not believe it. I think I whispered, "Oh my God," several times, and then he handed me the phone because the nurse was trying to schedule me to come in for a follow-up blood test on Wednesday. I think I asked her, "I'm really pregnant?" or I said "I can't believe it" or soemthing like that. She agreed that yes, it was very good news. She also said that my HCG level today was 394 which she called a "strong" number and said that my progesterone level was over 20 which is what they want to see.
So now I go back on Wednesday for another blood test and they will expect to see my HCG level nearly doubled by then. After that, according to Eileen, it is another two week wait (oh please help me) until my first ultrasound to confirm a heartbeat(s).
So, so exciting and I can hardly believe it is really happening after all this time. (!) Michael and I have made a few calls tonight, mostly to family, telling them the good news and it has sounded surreal each time I've said, "I'm pregnant."
Surreal, but delicious, and absolutely true.
Thank you all again, so much more than I can put into words.
<3 <3 <3 <3
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Update
So I called OHSU Friday morning just to check in with them and let them know the symptoms I was having. I figured they wouldn't say one way or the other what they meant (because how could they know for sure?), but I figured it might help ease my mind. What I found out is that my symptoms (mild cramping, low back pain, tender, swollen breasts) are all likely side effects of progesterone. That made me feel slightly better. It also made me feel better that a couple of you read my previous post and let me know that cramping during early pregnancy isn't uncommon (thank you for that!). I still didn't feel very well all day at work, but managed to stick it out there until 4:30 when I headed for home and then rested for the rest of the evening.
Today (Saturday) I feel quite a bit better (no cramping, no back pain), but I still plan to just take it easy on the couch or in bed with a book.
Thanks for your good thoughts and prayers for us! We will know in just a few short days.
Today (Saturday) I feel quite a bit better (no cramping, no back pain), but I still plan to just take it easy on the couch or in bed with a book.
Thanks for your good thoughts and prayers for us! We will know in just a few short days.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The Unknown . . .
I'm struggling tonight. The blood test is in 4 days and I am so afraid of a negative result. I know I wouldn't probably be feeling this way except that yesterday and today I have felt crampy, which makes me think my period is getting ready to begin.
Today the crampiness was worse than yesterday, but that could also be due to the progesterone shots I've still been getting once a day. And last night I got a little more than normal because Michael dropped the syringe (not my fault this time), and some of the medicine oozed out before he could get the alcohol pad on it. So we did a second shot with a bit more progesterone to make sure that I got the full dose. Maybe that's the reason for the crampiness. I also read on one website that it can be due to the embryo(s) growing and the uterus making adjustments for those changes.
Who knows, really? My mind spins in a thousand different directions, trying to determine if something I may have done (or didn't do) will be responsible if this does not turn out as we hope. But there will be no way to know for sure. I tell myself I am doing the very best I can.
I called Eileen tonight on my way home from work and asked her about how she felt before her blood test because I knew that she felt certain she was not pregnant. I probably should not have called. She had what she thought were PMS symptoms too, (but were really implantation symptoms), but I think they happened a little earlier on after her transfer than what I am feeling now. She said she didn't have any soreness in her breasts at all, while mine have felt very tender and swollen since before the retrieval (even more so now), which could be due to the progesterone. Or it could be a sign of my period approaching as it is a symptom I usually get each month. I know that all of our bodies are different and the experience will be different for all of us--but I know I would feel better if my experience matched up with Eileen's since she is now 16 weeks' pregnant.
Maybe I will feel better tomorrow. I have been feeling more tired (also likely due to the progesterone), but there's only one more day of work ahead of me. Maybe I will call OHSU tomorrow and talk to one of the nurses to see if what I am experiencing could still mean I am pregnant.
I have a feeling the next few days are going to be really tough as I get closer to finding out for sure. I hope I'm up for it. I told Eileen that since I felt so icky today, I have been trying to prepare myself for a negative test result, because I don't want to fall apart if we get one. I knew when we started IVF that it may not work the first time out (hence the reason for the multi-cycle plan), yet I have been feeling so positive up until now that to suddenly seriously consider the possibility of this not working the way I want is so scary and makes me feel very alone. Of course, I know I'm not alone. I know I have a very wonderful circle of family and friends praying for me and supporting me, but they are not the ones experiencing this cycle, so they cannot completely understand. Not that I would ever want them to know what this feels like.
For now, I'll just keep going forward and hope that tomorrow I feel better. And if I continue to feel the same crampy symptoms, I hope I will be given the strength and courage to handle whatever comes next.
Today the crampiness was worse than yesterday, but that could also be due to the progesterone shots I've still been getting once a day. And last night I got a little more than normal because Michael dropped the syringe (not my fault this time), and some of the medicine oozed out before he could get the alcohol pad on it. So we did a second shot with a bit more progesterone to make sure that I got the full dose. Maybe that's the reason for the crampiness. I also read on one website that it can be due to the embryo(s) growing and the uterus making adjustments for those changes.
Who knows, really? My mind spins in a thousand different directions, trying to determine if something I may have done (or didn't do) will be responsible if this does not turn out as we hope. But there will be no way to know for sure. I tell myself I am doing the very best I can.
I called Eileen tonight on my way home from work and asked her about how she felt before her blood test because I knew that she felt certain she was not pregnant. I probably should not have called. She had what she thought were PMS symptoms too, (but were really implantation symptoms), but I think they happened a little earlier on after her transfer than what I am feeling now. She said she didn't have any soreness in her breasts at all, while mine have felt very tender and swollen since before the retrieval (even more so now), which could be due to the progesterone. Or it could be a sign of my period approaching as it is a symptom I usually get each month. I know that all of our bodies are different and the experience will be different for all of us--but I know I would feel better if my experience matched up with Eileen's since she is now 16 weeks' pregnant.
Maybe I will feel better tomorrow. I have been feeling more tired (also likely due to the progesterone), but there's only one more day of work ahead of me. Maybe I will call OHSU tomorrow and talk to one of the nurses to see if what I am experiencing could still mean I am pregnant.
I have a feeling the next few days are going to be really tough as I get closer to finding out for sure. I hope I'm up for it. I told Eileen that since I felt so icky today, I have been trying to prepare myself for a negative test result, because I don't want to fall apart if we get one. I knew when we started IVF that it may not work the first time out (hence the reason for the multi-cycle plan), yet I have been feeling so positive up until now that to suddenly seriously consider the possibility of this not working the way I want is so scary and makes me feel very alone. Of course, I know I'm not alone. I know I have a very wonderful circle of family and friends praying for me and supporting me, but they are not the ones experiencing this cycle, so they cannot completely understand. Not that I would ever want them to know what this feels like.
For now, I'll just keep going forward and hope that tomorrow I feel better. And if I continue to feel the same crampy symptoms, I hope I will be given the strength and courage to handle whatever comes next.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Transfer Day Details
I know I'm doing this a little out of order (writing about the transfer before I write about the retrieval), but it just feels right for where we are now. I have jotted down notes about the retrieval day experience, so I'll be sure and remember the main bits.
As you know, Wednesday, we had an appointment to have two of our embryos transferred into my womb. I woke fairly early (around 6 I think), but felt like I got a much better night's sleep than I did the night before the retrieval. Michael decided he would go in and work a few hours, then meet me back at the house around 9 and we would get to OHSU by 10. On Tuesday, a nurse had called and told us to be there by 10:30 so we could meet with the embryologist before the procedure. I mentioned that my acupuncturist was going to do a pre and post treatment with us, but she didn't make any adjustments to our time to be there. I guess someone was going over our chart again later that day because another staff member (Deborah, I think it was), called back later to confirm I was having acupuncture before the transfer and said that in that case, both Jelena and I needed to be there by 10. So I emailed Jelena at 3:30pm on Tuesday with the change in time and she let me know that she had a patient scheduled at 9 Wednesday morning, but she hoped to leave her office by 9:45 and be at OHSU by 10. And she was!
Michael and I got there about 20 minutes early (traffic on Hwy 26 is so unpredictable that we have gotten in the habit of giving ourselves plenty of time when going to OHSU) and hung out in the waiting area until Jelena arrived. We only waited a few more minutes before Deborah (who has done many of my blood draws and assisted during the ultrasound visits) escorted us back and took my vitals. I was very pleased to discover that my weight was only 137 pounds; we don't have a scale at home and it had been awhile since my last official doctor's office measurement. I was surprised it was under 140. :)
She also checked my blood pressure and heart rate (both fine) and then showed us to the room where the transfer would take place. She told me to get undressed from the waist down and get on the table and both Jelena and I questioned her. I told her I thought we were meeting with the embryologist before the procedure and she said that no, it would be after. Jelena said that I would probably be more comfortable (I think she meant warmer), if I kept my pants on during the acupuncture and I agreed. Deborah told us basically that we could do what we wanted and she left. Jelena wasted no time getting needles in place. She said the pre and post transfer acupuncture points were pretty much a set pattern of points and that I had had all of them at one time or another. Then she dimmed the lights and left me to relax. Michael had found a golf magazine out front and was busy reading it while I rested with the needles in place. I spent that time talking to our embryos, visualizing all that we would show them and the people they would meet once they were born. It left me feeling very peaceful and optimistic. Jelena came in about 10 minutes into it to check the needles. She adjusted them until I could feel them again and then left for another 10 minutes. I did have to send Michael to go get her from the waiting room to adjust one of the needles in my left leg as it was very intense, but other than that, it went really well.
Once Jelena had taken the needles out, it wasn't very long at all before Deborah came back and checked my bladder. I had been instructed to drink 20-24 oz of water before the procedure so that I'd have a full bladder. Apparently, it helps the doctor see the womb better when he goes to place the embryos inside. She said it was fine and then asked if it was okay for a resident and medical student to come in with Dr. Lee while the procedure was performed. I said sure. When Dr. Lee came back he verified who I was (name, DOB, age), just as Deborah had done when she first showed us to the transfer room, except she had also asked me what procedure was going to be done that day--I guess just to be very, very sure no mix-ups were made. Then we talked about the number of embryos to transfer and I told Dr. Lee that Michael and I had decided on transferring two. The chances of success are better with more than 1 embryo being transferred (Eileen had 2 transferred and is currently pregnant with a singleton), but we were nervous about transferring any more than that as neither of us thought we would be able to "reduce" a pregnancy--not after all we've done to get to this point. I think generally they encourage transferring more than 2 embryos once a woman is in her forties, but for my age, two is still the norm. Dr. Lee did tell us that all four embryos were growing well (about 7 or 8 cells with little fragmentation) which I had assumed since we hadn't gotten a call from them earlier in the day saying not to come in.
I signed the paperwork okaying the transfer of the two embryos (funny that it was only me that signed off on both the retrieval and transfer procedures whereas Michael had signed with me when we went through our initial consent paperwork way back when we first began the IVF cycle).
Then it was time to get down to business. There was a little sliding window in the wall that opened into the lab and the lady working in there was named Deb. She would be the one preparing our embryos in the catheter for placement in my womb. She did the final check to verify my identity, announcing my name and date of birth. Then she waited while Dr. Lee got everything set up and ready on our end before the embryos were prepared for transfer.
**Disclaimer: Some details follow that you might not want to read--esp. if you are a guy--women's health stuff.**
A catheter (long hollow tube) was inserted through a speculum and passed through my cervix, just until the tip of it entered my womb. It took a couple of minutes to get the placement right because he said my womb was transverse and rotated (?), so he had some manuevering to do to get where he needed to be with the catheter. This part didn't hurt--what was excrutiating was the doppler that Deborah was holding down quite forcefully over my very full bladder. I began taking long, slow deep breaths (and tried not to think about what was happening in my body, because I was afraid I would panic and move), which probably, now that I think about it, only caused her to press down harder in order to keep my womb in view. Michael rolled himself over on a little stool and sat by my head, holding my hand. Once again I squeezed it very hard (as you will read about when I get down to writing about the retrieval), but again, not from pain from what Dr. Lee was doing, but pain from feeling like my bladder was about to burst.
As he was working, Dr. Lee was explaining things to the resident and the student, illustrating why he did what when. He got in position and called through the little window to Deb in the lab that she was okay to get the embryos "loaded." I stopped thinking for a moment about my bladder and whispered to Michael, "Load 'em up!" I knew Dr. Lee was referring to getting the embryos ready to go inside a smaller catheter.
I got a little worried when he called out to her to hold on a minute--not sure if I moved or what happened, but a few seconds later he told her we were good to go again. She announced quite loudly that she was going to bring the embryos through the connecting door (I wondered why she didn't pass them through the window, but maybe it would have been too awkward). I don't think she opened the door very wide--just enough to pass the catheter through. Then Dr. Lee fed the small catheter through the one that was already in place leading to my womb and he basically injected the embryos inside. He tried to show us on the monitor, pointing out a sac of fluid that was just barely visible. I thought I saw a couple of tiny white specs inside the fluid, but I was probably imagining it. I asked it that was it and Dr. Lee said that yes, we were done. Deb was back inside the lab at this point and I could see her through the window, her face framed by a hairnet (the lab is a clean room so the staff wears protective clothing to keep as much dust, hair, skin cells, etc. contained as possible). She called "Good luck!" and smiled. I thanked her several times, not quite believing we were done with the transfer.
Dr. Lee removed all the tubing and speculum and then Deborah and the resident each took one of my arms and got ready to pull me up higher on the table. I asked if I should help and they said no--they didn't want me tightening my abdominal muscles. They slid me up on the table and then Dr. Lee and company left after wishing us luck and telling us to take care.
Next Deborah said I would need to come back in on August 15th for my blood test (the blood test) to determine if we had been successful with the transfer. I scheduled an 8:45 appointment time that day, thinking that Michael and I would both take the day off, and maybe go to the coast or something to take our minds off of it.
I still needed to get my post-transfer acupuncture treatment, but even if I didn't have it scheduled, I would have had to rest on the table for about a half hour before getting up. Deborah offered me the use of a bed pan so I would be more comfortable during the acupuncture and I agreed to it, having no prior experience using a bed pan. After she left the room, I wondered aloud to Michael how it would work since I would be lying down. He teased me and said, "You get to pee in that bed." I begged him not to make me laugh, since I knew it was important to stay as relaxed as possible.
When Deborah came back, she had me lift my hips (careful to use my legs only), and she slid something under me. Then she told me to pee and left the room. I tried, but immediately felt liquid going up my backside. I kept trying after that, but just couldn't. It was like my bladder had gone suddenly shy. She came back in a couple of times and I told her it just wasn't working. Finally she had me lift my hips again and pulled the pan higher up my back and tucked an absorbing Chux pad around the front of the bed pan. At this point, I was still embarrassed and afraid of getting urine everywhere, but had to go so badly that I didn't much care. Finally I peed and it just kept coming--I think I filled the pan to the brim. At least my bladder felt about 100 times better by the time Deborah came back in. She removed the pan, slid a fresh Chux pad underneath me, and sent Jelena in to do my acupuncture.
I wasn't as comfortable getting my post-transfer treatment as I was getting the pre-transfer treatment--maybe because I was missing my pants. Besides that, the room was just on the chilly side anyway. Even Michael mentioned it, and if he's cold, you know it's cold. :)
I think Jelena let me rest with the needles in for close to a half hour. At one point, Deborah stuck her head in the door and told me that when I was done with the acupuncture, we could leave. I think it was a little after 12 when we finally headed out, me moving gingerly and very cognizant of my new "transfer patient" status. Michael and I headed home, after some inital confusion remembering where we'd parked. I think I convinced him to stay home with me instead of going back to work, as I felt like I needed someone to wait on me for the rest of the day. Deborah had told us that I wasn't to lift anything until the next day, and I didn't want to be home alone and not able to get what I needed.
I ended up sleeping for maybe a couple of hours once we got home, then had a little lunch and spent a few more hours in bed reading. Later we locked Chloe in my green room (so she wouldn't try jumping in my lap), and watched a movie downstairs (Tron) before bed.
It had been quite a day and I felt like I'd been through the wringer by the time it was over. I was happy and relieved we'd made it to the transfer, but also scared silly that I would move the wrong way, or accidentally lift something too heavy and ruin our chance at becoming parents.
I kept reminding myself to surrender, that I am doing the best I can, and that really, most of what happens next is out of my control.
As you know, Wednesday, we had an appointment to have two of our embryos transferred into my womb. I woke fairly early (around 6 I think), but felt like I got a much better night's sleep than I did the night before the retrieval. Michael decided he would go in and work a few hours, then meet me back at the house around 9 and we would get to OHSU by 10. On Tuesday, a nurse had called and told us to be there by 10:30 so we could meet with the embryologist before the procedure. I mentioned that my acupuncturist was going to do a pre and post treatment with us, but she didn't make any adjustments to our time to be there. I guess someone was going over our chart again later that day because another staff member (Deborah, I think it was), called back later to confirm I was having acupuncture before the transfer and said that in that case, both Jelena and I needed to be there by 10. So I emailed Jelena at 3:30pm on Tuesday with the change in time and she let me know that she had a patient scheduled at 9 Wednesday morning, but she hoped to leave her office by 9:45 and be at OHSU by 10. And she was!
Michael and I got there about 20 minutes early (traffic on Hwy 26 is so unpredictable that we have gotten in the habit of giving ourselves plenty of time when going to OHSU) and hung out in the waiting area until Jelena arrived. We only waited a few more minutes before Deborah (who has done many of my blood draws and assisted during the ultrasound visits) escorted us back and took my vitals. I was very pleased to discover that my weight was only 137 pounds; we don't have a scale at home and it had been awhile since my last official doctor's office measurement. I was surprised it was under 140. :)
She also checked my blood pressure and heart rate (both fine) and then showed us to the room where the transfer would take place. She told me to get undressed from the waist down and get on the table and both Jelena and I questioned her. I told her I thought we were meeting with the embryologist before the procedure and she said that no, it would be after. Jelena said that I would probably be more comfortable (I think she meant warmer), if I kept my pants on during the acupuncture and I agreed. Deborah told us basically that we could do what we wanted and she left. Jelena wasted no time getting needles in place. She said the pre and post transfer acupuncture points were pretty much a set pattern of points and that I had had all of them at one time or another. Then she dimmed the lights and left me to relax. Michael had found a golf magazine out front and was busy reading it while I rested with the needles in place. I spent that time talking to our embryos, visualizing all that we would show them and the people they would meet once they were born. It left me feeling very peaceful and optimistic. Jelena came in about 10 minutes into it to check the needles. She adjusted them until I could feel them again and then left for another 10 minutes. I did have to send Michael to go get her from the waiting room to adjust one of the needles in my left leg as it was very intense, but other than that, it went really well.
Once Jelena had taken the needles out, it wasn't very long at all before Deborah came back and checked my bladder. I had been instructed to drink 20-24 oz of water before the procedure so that I'd have a full bladder. Apparently, it helps the doctor see the womb better when he goes to place the embryos inside. She said it was fine and then asked if it was okay for a resident and medical student to come in with Dr. Lee while the procedure was performed. I said sure. When Dr. Lee came back he verified who I was (name, DOB, age), just as Deborah had done when she first showed us to the transfer room, except she had also asked me what procedure was going to be done that day--I guess just to be very, very sure no mix-ups were made. Then we talked about the number of embryos to transfer and I told Dr. Lee that Michael and I had decided on transferring two. The chances of success are better with more than 1 embryo being transferred (Eileen had 2 transferred and is currently pregnant with a singleton), but we were nervous about transferring any more than that as neither of us thought we would be able to "reduce" a pregnancy--not after all we've done to get to this point. I think generally they encourage transferring more than 2 embryos once a woman is in her forties, but for my age, two is still the norm. Dr. Lee did tell us that all four embryos were growing well (about 7 or 8 cells with little fragmentation) which I had assumed since we hadn't gotten a call from them earlier in the day saying not to come in.
I signed the paperwork okaying the transfer of the two embryos (funny that it was only me that signed off on both the retrieval and transfer procedures whereas Michael had signed with me when we went through our initial consent paperwork way back when we first began the IVF cycle).
Then it was time to get down to business. There was a little sliding window in the wall that opened into the lab and the lady working in there was named Deb. She would be the one preparing our embryos in the catheter for placement in my womb. She did the final check to verify my identity, announcing my name and date of birth. Then she waited while Dr. Lee got everything set up and ready on our end before the embryos were prepared for transfer.
**Disclaimer: Some details follow that you might not want to read--esp. if you are a guy--women's health stuff.**
A catheter (long hollow tube) was inserted through a speculum and passed through my cervix, just until the tip of it entered my womb. It took a couple of minutes to get the placement right because he said my womb was transverse and rotated (?), so he had some manuevering to do to get where he needed to be with the catheter. This part didn't hurt--what was excrutiating was the doppler that Deborah was holding down quite forcefully over my very full bladder. I began taking long, slow deep breaths (and tried not to think about what was happening in my body, because I was afraid I would panic and move), which probably, now that I think about it, only caused her to press down harder in order to keep my womb in view. Michael rolled himself over on a little stool and sat by my head, holding my hand. Once again I squeezed it very hard (as you will read about when I get down to writing about the retrieval), but again, not from pain from what Dr. Lee was doing, but pain from feeling like my bladder was about to burst.
As he was working, Dr. Lee was explaining things to the resident and the student, illustrating why he did what when. He got in position and called through the little window to Deb in the lab that she was okay to get the embryos "loaded." I stopped thinking for a moment about my bladder and whispered to Michael, "Load 'em up!" I knew Dr. Lee was referring to getting the embryos ready to go inside a smaller catheter.
I got a little worried when he called out to her to hold on a minute--not sure if I moved or what happened, but a few seconds later he told her we were good to go again. She announced quite loudly that she was going to bring the embryos through the connecting door (I wondered why she didn't pass them through the window, but maybe it would have been too awkward). I don't think she opened the door very wide--just enough to pass the catheter through. Then Dr. Lee fed the small catheter through the one that was already in place leading to my womb and he basically injected the embryos inside. He tried to show us on the monitor, pointing out a sac of fluid that was just barely visible. I thought I saw a couple of tiny white specs inside the fluid, but I was probably imagining it. I asked it that was it and Dr. Lee said that yes, we were done. Deb was back inside the lab at this point and I could see her through the window, her face framed by a hairnet (the lab is a clean room so the staff wears protective clothing to keep as much dust, hair, skin cells, etc. contained as possible). She called "Good luck!" and smiled. I thanked her several times, not quite believing we were done with the transfer.
Dr. Lee removed all the tubing and speculum and then Deborah and the resident each took one of my arms and got ready to pull me up higher on the table. I asked if I should help and they said no--they didn't want me tightening my abdominal muscles. They slid me up on the table and then Dr. Lee and company left after wishing us luck and telling us to take care.
Next Deborah said I would need to come back in on August 15th for my blood test (the blood test) to determine if we had been successful with the transfer. I scheduled an 8:45 appointment time that day, thinking that Michael and I would both take the day off, and maybe go to the coast or something to take our minds off of it.
I still needed to get my post-transfer acupuncture treatment, but even if I didn't have it scheduled, I would have had to rest on the table for about a half hour before getting up. Deborah offered me the use of a bed pan so I would be more comfortable during the acupuncture and I agreed to it, having no prior experience using a bed pan. After she left the room, I wondered aloud to Michael how it would work since I would be lying down. He teased me and said, "You get to pee in that bed." I begged him not to make me laugh, since I knew it was important to stay as relaxed as possible.
When Deborah came back, she had me lift my hips (careful to use my legs only), and she slid something under me. Then she told me to pee and left the room. I tried, but immediately felt liquid going up my backside. I kept trying after that, but just couldn't. It was like my bladder had gone suddenly shy. She came back in a couple of times and I told her it just wasn't working. Finally she had me lift my hips again and pulled the pan higher up my back and tucked an absorbing Chux pad around the front of the bed pan. At this point, I was still embarrassed and afraid of getting urine everywhere, but had to go so badly that I didn't much care. Finally I peed and it just kept coming--I think I filled the pan to the brim. At least my bladder felt about 100 times better by the time Deborah came back in. She removed the pan, slid a fresh Chux pad underneath me, and sent Jelena in to do my acupuncture.
I wasn't as comfortable getting my post-transfer treatment as I was getting the pre-transfer treatment--maybe because I was missing my pants. Besides that, the room was just on the chilly side anyway. Even Michael mentioned it, and if he's cold, you know it's cold. :)
I think Jelena let me rest with the needles in for close to a half hour. At one point, Deborah stuck her head in the door and told me that when I was done with the acupuncture, we could leave. I think it was a little after 12 when we finally headed out, me moving gingerly and very cognizant of my new "transfer patient" status. Michael and I headed home, after some inital confusion remembering where we'd parked. I think I convinced him to stay home with me instead of going back to work, as I felt like I needed someone to wait on me for the rest of the day. Deborah had told us that I wasn't to lift anything until the next day, and I didn't want to be home alone and not able to get what I needed.
I ended up sleeping for maybe a couple of hours once we got home, then had a little lunch and spent a few more hours in bed reading. Later we locked Chloe in my green room (so she wouldn't try jumping in my lap), and watched a movie downstairs (Tron) before bed.
It had been quite a day and I felt like I'd been through the wringer by the time it was over. I was happy and relieved we'd made it to the transfer, but also scared silly that I would move the wrong way, or accidentally lift something too heavy and ruin our chance at becoming parents.
I kept reminding myself to surrender, that I am doing the best I can, and that really, most of what happens next is out of my control.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Transfer Day!
We've been working toward this day for quite some time now . . . I honestly can't believe it is here. Two little lives are going to find a new home in my womb today, which is just incredible to me. I was thinking about the word "embryo" earlier and how it always makes me think of a tiny seahorse-like creature, but it doesn't look anything like that actually. Michael and I looked at some pictures online last night of embryos at Day 2 and Day 3, and they are bundles of cells--full of potential. So amazing to think that something that small grows into a living, breathing, crying, laughing, screaming human baby.
I cannot wait. :)
I cannot wait. :)
Monday, August 1, 2011
Four New Little Lives Growing
Today we found out that we have four embryos--four embryos! They are growing right now as we speak in the lab at OHSU and on Wednesday, two of them will be transferred into my womb.
I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't disappointed that we didn't get more embryos when yesterday we were fortunate enough to get so many eggs . . . I was. But a lot of that disappointment is tied to fear that since there are a smaller number of embryos, our chances are smaller, and I don't want to feed that fear.
What I am trying very hard to focus on now are the four new little lives that are part me and part Michael--and on what Lindsey just reminded me--they are four embryos we did not have a month ago, a week ago, two days ago. We are closer now to our baby(ies) than we have ever been.
And for that I am grateful.
Thank you for keeping all of us in your thoughts and prayers. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't disappointed that we didn't get more embryos when yesterday we were fortunate enough to get so many eggs . . . I was. But a lot of that disappointment is tied to fear that since there are a smaller number of embryos, our chances are smaller, and I don't want to feed that fear.
What I am trying very hard to focus on now are the four new little lives that are part me and part Michael--and on what Lindsey just reminded me--they are four embryos we did not have a month ago, a week ago, two days ago. We are closer now to our baby(ies) than we have ever been.
And for that I am grateful.
Thank you for keeping all of us in your thoughts and prayers. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
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