Open Your Eyes

They have not been easy, these last few days.  I can't put my finger on exactly the reason why . . . I think it is partly because I am still having pain with my period (and without), even though I have been on the herbs for nearly a year now.  And it is partly because I had hoped for a miracle (I do believe in them, after all) with this last cycle.  I took Clomid, and Michael has been on the FertileAid supplement for about 3 months now (the time it takes for sperm to grow to maturity), and we had sex at the right time.  So when my period started, it felt not only painful, but like the cruelest joke--one I am tired of having played on me month after month after month.

So.  I let myself wallow for a few days.  I was angry, and sad and pouty.  I leaned on my friends and they held me up the best they could (thank you).  And today, I began to feel a tiny bit better.  Not a ton, but enough.  I listened to the CD of fertility affirmations that Jelena loaned me.  I drove to work and drove home again, taking deep breaths as instructed.  I have been listening to the affirmations so much that I am starting to recite certain of them along with the lady.  There are a few that really speak loudly to me and there is one I keep thinking I need to write down.  The gist of it is that I am not worried because I trust what is coming is good.  Whenever I get to that affirmation on the CD, I repeat that last part of it over and over to myself.  I think I am hoping that if I say it enough, I will start to believe it.  :)  I also like the end of the CD where the lady instructs you to slowly come back from the lovely, relaxing place you've taken yourself to (assuming, of course, that you are not driving, as I always am), and tells you that when you are ready, to open your eyes.  I repeat this one to myself too, as in open your eyes to the beauty around you, open your eyes to the people who love you, open your eyes to the possibility of what may yet be.  There is a message there that I am trying very hard to hear.

Even though I am dragging my feet a bit, we are continuing on, and I know it is only a matter of time before I feel hopeful and excited again about our upcoming chances with IVF.  Here is what we have lined up so far:

1. This Wednesday, I go in for bloodwork (STD testing, thyroid check, blood typing, and rubella titer)
2. Michael goes in for his STD bloodwork this Friday.
3. Next Tuesday, I go in for a trial transfer.
4. And also next Tuesday, Michael goes in for a semen analysis / frozen sample.  (The frozen sample is to have on hand in case he has "a bad hair day" as Dr. Patton put it, on the day of the egg retrieval, which is typically when the man comes up with his contribution to the making of the baby.  Better safe than sorry.)

So there is quite a lot going on in the next couple of weeks.  If all goes well (particularly the result of my thyroid test), we should be on track for IVF in June.

It is exciting, but also scary as hell, and I am trying to be brave when what I most want to do is lie on the couch every day, wrapped in a blanket with my cat curled against my legs.

Open your eyes, Amy, open your eyes.