What I Learned . . .

After a whirlwind trip to Asheville and the surrounding area, I am back at home in Oregon and trying to process all that I learned.

I think that the biggest and most important thing I learned while I was at the retreat is that Chinese medicine and acupuncture is not a quick fix. I "knew" this before I left, but I think I only knew it in my head, not my heart. I learned a lot of things in my heart this past weekend.

One of the other things I learned (and maybe this is the one that took me the most by surprise) is that I have to put in the work on myself that I have "known" I need to do for years now, but have pushed away because I didn't want to put that much time and effort into myself--and maybe also because I was afraid to look too closely within for what I might find there. The reason I knew I needed to do this--really, finally, do it this time and not just keep talking about it--is because my daughter told me to do it.

I've always felt very strongly that I will have a daughter, so that is what I assume our first child will be, although I could very well be wrong--if I am, hopefully the little boy won't be too upset at being referred to as a girl! :) Even though this child is not yet here in physical form, I talk to her often and try to bring her image into my life as much as possible. I've given her a nickname and I keep it posted at work where I see it often during the day.

I decided to talk to her Saturday night, as I was lying awake in bed, thinking about all of the things we had talked about that day during the retreat. I was practicing the deep breathing exercise we'd been taught, and trying to figure out why I felt unhappy instead of excited like the others in my group. I asked her what she needed in order to come into my life, and what she said was simple and drove straight to my core: I need you to take care of yourself.

I knew at once that this was the reason I wasn't feeling happy . . . we'd been talking about the mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of infertility that day, and how they all tie in to the physical condition itself, whatever that may be. And I knew that she was right. I have never felt completely at ease with myself, "comfortable in my own skin" as the saying goes. I've always wished I was different somehow--more outgoing, more vibrant, more accomplished, etc. What I've realized is that I like parts of myself, but not all of myself, and in order to be the kind of mother I want to be, I need that to change.

So that was a huge wake-up call to me and I spent much of the rest of the retreat delving into those thoughts and feelings I want to change--not an easy process, but much-needed, and I know, in the end, indispensable.

Randine said something during the retreat that struck me as quite profound. She said that this Fertile Soul program with all of its varied tools isn't intended to be used just for conceiving and having babies; rather, it's meant to be a way of living one's life and I see what she means. It's meant to be a way to open up to life and to live authentically, seeing all of the damaged and broken parts of ourselves as just as "good" as all the rest.

I like that.

I'll keep you posted on my progress. More on the actual structure of the retreat itself later.

Off to The Fertile Soul Foundations Retreat!!

Tomorrow morning, my mom and I will be lifting off at 8:30am PDT on our way to Asheville, North Carolina!! We change planes in Phoenix and then again in Charlotte, before touching down in Asheville at 8:42pm EDT . . . a very long day, indeed! :) But I will be high on the adrenaline of seeing my friends Kathleen and Matthew (and Jackson!) after almost one year apart! They are going to host my mom and me until Friday and then we'll check in to our lovely inn and the retreat will begin.

I always get excited when I am traveling, but even more so the past couple of days, as I have been anticipating what changes this weekend may hold for me. When I left work today, I grabbed a little slip of paper that has been living under my computer monitor for the past several months. It's full of names--mostly first and middle girl names that I like. There's really only one boy name that Michael and I have been able to agree on, so I sure hope our first baby is a girl, or I am going to have to get some baby name books pronto! He will probably veto most of the names I have picked out, but that's okay. We can figure that out later. To me, this piece of paper represents possibility, and I thought about that as I carefully clipped it to the rest of my Fertile Soul paperwork. Bringing my list of names with me to the retreat highlights my intention that this baby come to be.

And . . . I had another surprise in my mailbox today: The Way of the Fertile Soul written by Randine and on my list of books to get--thank you so much, Christi! :) I can't wait to start reading it on the plane and hopefully have her sign it at the retreat.

More news soon!!

Mmmm . . . Black Licorice

I started the fertility serum drops yesterday! After I woke up early Saturday morning to let Flynn out, I went back to bed and just drowsed, thinking about Inconceivable. I had stayed up late the previous night to finish reading it . . . I had to find out if all her hard work paid off! (It did.) :)

Julia included a few of the stories of other women as a kind of epilogue or appendix to her book, which I thought was very cool and very helpful. She began writing Inconceivable four years after the birth of her second child, and even though she was no longer trying to get pregnant, she went to local Resolve meetings in order to immerse herself once again in the journey away from infertility. The stories she includes at the end of her book are those of some of the women she met there. Reading Julia's story was encouraging; reading the other five stories just affirmed even more what I felt after reading Julia's story--that this is possible, this is something that is within my reach. What I loved was that each woman did what felt right to her: one woman saw a craniosacral therapist (I studied this a bit when I was doing massage therapy), one used specially blended herbal teas (but not Chinese herbs) and acupressure techniques; another woman created an affirmation to welcome her unborn child and to align her thoughts with what she wanted to bring into her life, while yet another woman saw a homeopath and used different remedies to get her body ready for pregnancy. All of these different women were drawn to different methods of healing--they were drawn to the methods that were right for them.

The stories I read reaffirmed what I said in an earlier post that infertility can be cured using natural methods--but that it can take awhile. The woman who drank the herbal teas did it faithfully for two years before she got pregnant and I think it was at least a year for Julia as well. She had a high FSH level (which basically meant that her body was beginning to go into menopause) and she explored just about every natural option she could find to help lower it. She started with an FSH level of 42 and ended with an FSH level of 21.4. She did this using yoga, completely changing over to a vegetarian diet, doing colonics, drinking wheatgrass every day, using Chinese herbs and acupuncture, reading books on thinking positively (Dr. Dyer!), doing twice-daily visualizations of her pituitary gland secreting the correct amount of FSH and of her egg becoming fertilized by her husband's sperm and implanting in her uterus. She did all of this as well as working part-time and being a mom to her toddler.

Saturday morning I felt uplifted, inspired, motivated and encouraged. As I drowsed in bed, I closed my eyes and did a short visualization that I modeled after one Julia had used in which she pictured herself hiking up a steep mountain trail. At various places along the trail were women she loved. They were waiting for her with gifts for her baby. The gifts were things like love, courage, wisdom, trust and peace. Some of the women had already passed on from this life, but they were there every day, waiting for her as she hiked the trail in her mind. Powerful, powerful stuff. When I opened my eyes again I knew that that was the day to start the fertility serum. It just felt right.

So far I really like the drops: they don't leave me feeling overly greasy, as I thought they might, and I smell of black licorice, but not too strongly. And I like that the drops are something tangible I can do every day to remind me that I am helping myself instead of just waiting and hoping. I am acting!

My One Small Thing

Today was tough for me--being Mother's Day. You might think that is to be expected since I am trying to become a mother, but the funny thing is that I wasn't even really thinking about this day and how I would react to it until I found myself in the middle of it.

I spent most of the day yesterday with my mom at the beauty salon and then out for a late lunch afterward. We got to spend several hours alone together which is rare indeed (my dad almost always wants to go wherever she goes), but I fought an undefinable sadness most of the day. I thought at the time that it was because of my upcoming birthday (36!) and what that means in terms of my chances of conception and just my life in general (less than 15 years until I am 50!!!). I felt especially old when I found out that the beauty school student who did our hair (and whom I work with at the call center) is 20 years old, which isn't so bad in itself. The part that really got me is that her mom is turning 39 this year . . . meaning that she is only 3 years older than me. OMG. I am just beginning on this road to motherhood and my friend's mom, who is basically my age, is in the home stretch! I tried wrapping my mind around that bit of information and it sent my thoughts into quite the tailspin. :)

So I was sad last night and when I woke up this morning, I was cranky in a way I could not put my finger on. What was wrong with me? And then I remembered--Mother's Day. I did not want to spend the day feeling sorry for myself, but the gloom persisted and despite the sunshine we got for the better part of the day, a little gray cloud hovered over my head. Finally I gave up fighting it and just let myself have the sadness, or I let it have me, one of the two. I felt sad and small and angry for a few hours, but then, while I was sitting in my green room with Chloe before dinner, I thought about what one small thing I might be able to do that might start to make a difference. This blog is one thing, but I need to do something more action-oriented as well. The fertility drops are another thing I can do, but I haven't started them yet, and I don't really know why . . . I think I am waiting until the time feels right. Or maybe I am trying to avoid being disappointed if they don't work.

I do know that when I go to North Carolina for the retreat, Randine is going to tell us that we must start some kind of meditation practice, even if it is only a few minutes a day of sitting by ourselves without moving or talking. I was thinking about that and the next thought that ran through my head was, well, what are you waiting for? Why wait until she tells you to do it? What if you start now--take two minutes to sit quietly in this room with one hand on your chest over your heart and one hand on your belly--and just breathe.

And so I did. And you know what? I felt better. My goal now is to take one small step in the direction of baby each day, whether it be walking on my breaks at work or getting up a little earlier to write in my journal, or sitting in the quiet for just a few moments without moving or talking. And even if I have to do it while I am sad, it will still be significant. And little by little, all of the small things will add up eventually to the thing that I want the most.

13 Days and Counting!

Well, it is just a little less than 2 weeks before my mom and I head to the southeastern side of the country--we are both excited and counting down the days!

After work today I stopped at Powell's on my way home. I wanted to see if they had a copy of The Infertility Cure since I had to give back the one I borrowed from my RESOLVE support group. I was stunned to discover that not only didn't they have it (at any of their locations) but it wasn't even listed in their store computer as something they have ever carried! So, perhaps I will need to check out Amazon and see if I can find it there.

Never one to want to leave a bookstore empty-handed, I decided to poke around and see if I could find something fertility-related that looked like it would be a good read and a good resource. I think what I really wanted deep-down (maybe without being consciously aware of it), was a memoir. I wanted to read about some other woman's journey through infertility and see her make it out the other side. It couldn't be just any memoir, however. Something about her journey needed to mirror my own, so that I could relate to her, and in so doing, feel more confident about my own path to motherhood. Almost immediately, I pulled out a book called Inconceivable, and after I read the blurb on the back cover, I knew that I wanted to read the whole thing.

In a narrative filled with humor, heartache, and hope, Julia Indichova fearlessly documents her allegedly impossible mission to conceive a child. Her pilgrimage takes her through the offices of the best that modern medicine has to offer, as well as through a maze of surprising alternatives. The point is not which methods she chooses but how she chooses them--by paying careful attention to her needs and responses, a skill that not only brings her a child but changes her approach to life. Ultimately what Julia discovers, and what Inconceivable teaches us, is that when we have faith, and honor our own truth rather than docilely place ourselves in the hands of others, all the rules change. Whether we long to birth a child, a work of art, or a vital, fulfilling life, the journey begins with trusting our deepest wisdom: the expert within who always knows the next best step.

I love the part about how the important thing wasn't what specific medicine or protocol or practice she chose to help her get pregnant (because if there was a one-size-fits-all approach to this, none of us would be struggling) but that she chose what she felt would work best for her as an individual and that her choice was what helped shape her as an eventual mother and as a liver-of-life on this planet. This is how I feel about my trip to N.C. and about dedicating the next few months to healing my body and preparing a welcoming space (body, mind and spirit) for a baby. Beneath the surface of all of my fears and "what ifs" surrounding this decision I have made to follow the Chinese medicine program, the bottom line is that it still feels right to me. And even if it doesn't lead to a baby in the long run, I know it is giving me the motivation to do the work I keep putting off--the work of looking within and loving every bit of what I find there, even (especially!) the parts I don't like right now.

Plus, the foreword is written by Dr. Christiane Northrup, so I knew I was on the right track with a book I would like. :) I'll let you know how it goes . . .