Tuesday Michael and I met with Dr. Stempel for a quick checkup. Since I am still bleeding/spotting, he had offered us the chance to come in after only two weeks instead of the usual four--just to help put my mind more at ease.
I had really hoped that the bleeding would be completely over by now (four weeks after the accident), but it is not. It's been coupled with some premenstrual-like cramping that comes and goes but which I experience nearly every day. I have been trying hard to relax and surrender but it has been pretty rough. As overjoyed as I am to be pregnant, I keep wishing that I felt better and that I were having an "uneventful" pregnancy--one in which I just dealt with morningsickness (which I still have a bit of too) instead of these other things that make it hard for me not to worry.
When I notice my thoughts beginning to spiral around what might happen, I make myself stop and try to visualize our baby coming home from the hospital/birth center. I try to picture what he will look like at 6 months, at 1 year, at two years. I get in bed and read out loud to him from some of my favorite children's books. I think it's still a bit early at this point for him to be able to hear my voice (soon!), but reading to him helps me refocus and point my mind toward what I want instead of what I fear. It helps me feel close to him.
Dr. Stempel's office must have been running somewhat behind on Tuesday because we ended up waiting the longest that we've ever waited. I kept watching women who arrived after me be taken back before me. But no matter. Neither of us were really keen to get in and out because then we would have felt more obligated to go back to work. If our 2:45pm appointment took longer than, say, an hour for us to be out the door, we were planning on just going home afterward.
Renee finally came to get us around 3:15 or so and led us back to our usual examining room. First up was checking my weight which came in at 137 pounds--down a pound from our last visit. She didn't remark on it, so it must have been fine. My blood pressure was a little higher than I remember it being last time, although I only remember the top number (120). Usually it is quite a bit lower than that but I was probably also amped up about the visit.
I had asked Michael to help me remember to ask for the information packet about Emanuel, since if we decide on a hospital birth, that is where we will go. Renee must have been reading my mind because she asked if we had decided yet on where we wanted to have the baby. She gave us a spiral bound notebook full of facts and forms to fill out which Michael started checking out right away.
When Dr. Stempel came in, he asked how things were going, but didn't seem overly concerned when I told him about the bleeding and that sometimes it has more pink or red in it than dark brown. He went right to work measuring my womb and said that I've grown 4 cm since our last visit two weeks ago. That was really good to hear. Then he used the Doppler to find the baby's heartbeat and we heard it again, loud and strong. It almost sounded faster to me than before but he said it was 145 beats per minute, which is normal.
That was it for the checkup. I asked him again about the bleeding and cramping but he basically repeated what he'd told me last time: that it would be better if I wasn't experiencing those things, but that some women do and most of the time it turns out okay for mom and baby. Sometimes it doesn't. I asked if I should be restricting my activity and he said that I probably already am (yes), but that he doesn't think going on bedrest would improve my chances and that I would probably feel better to continue the activities I have been doing (mostly just working).
I left feeling somewhat discouraged. Maybe I am worrying more than I should be. I tried to explain to Michael how hard it is not to worry when I feel so awful most of the time, and when I have the constant reminder of the bleeding every time I use the bathroom, which is a lot. I told him that I think it is easier not to worry when the baby is not growing inside of you.
So we go back in two weeks for the 20 week appointment. We'll have the anatomy ultrasound to check on the baby's organ development, placement of the placenta, amniotic fluid level, etc. I am looking forward to seeing my sweet boy again, to finding out that everything is still progressing just fine, and to hopefully getting one or two more ultrasound pictures.
If you could please continue to pray for us (and especially me, I think at this point), I would really, really appreciate it. I need to somehow find some peace over this situation where I feel I have so little control.
Thank you, as always. <3
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Congratulations to US! (Soon-To-Be-Mamas Who Never Gave Up)
Last night Michael and I met Eileen and her husband Paul at a wonderful little hole-in-the-wall French bistro called Chez Machin. It's in SE Portland on Hawthorne right across from the Dosha spa where Eileen and I got pedicures back in April--just as she was getting ready to start her IVF cycle. That day we were looking for a good lunch place and thought we'd try Chez Machin. I loved it and not just because of the whole French thing. :) They have crepes (both savory and sweet) and they not only have crepes, but they have gluten-free crepes. Heaven.
For awhile now Eileen and I have been saying that we need to do something to celebrate getting pregnant--to recognize just how much of an accomplishment that is for us and everything we did (and are still doing) to get to this point. My first thought was to have a huge party, inviting everyone we know, play loud upbeat music and try to convey our joy to everyone that way. Eileen's thought was that we might enjoy ourselves more by having a small couples dinner where I could finally meet Paul and she could meet Michael. The more I thought about it, the more I liked her idea better than mine. After all, no one of our friends and family (as much as they love and support us) would really understand why we wanted to celebrate getting pregnant. It would more than likely turn into a sort of baby shower, with lots of attention focused on those little loves growing in our bellies--which would be okay too, and which we are both looking forward to at our respective showers--but what we most wanted was a chance to sit back, take a breath and say, "Wow, we really did it. Can you believe it?" We wanted to marvel at the miracle that is not only growing a baby in your belly for nine months, but the fact that that baby ever came into existence at all. Because believe me, I am quite sure we would not be where we are now had we not both taken the IVF gamble and gotten very, very lucky.
We had the most wonderful dinner together, chatting and laughing for close to three hours. Lucky for us, it is a French restaurant and they seem to follow the French philosophy that a really good meal with friends should last several hours. The vibe would have been way different if we'd felt rushed to finish our meal and vacate our table for whomever might be waiting. As it was, we got a nice cozy table in the back, which is actually a covered patio with space heaters placed strategically here and there so customers don't freeze their hineys off.
We all began our meal with soup (they had pea and I had French onion) and a toast with sparkling cider. I'd called earlier in the day to make a reservation and asked if it would be okay to bring a bottle of cider since Eileen and I wouldn't be able to indulge in wine. The manager was very kind to say it was totally fine and that they wouldn't even charge us a corking fee. The cider certainly added to the celebratory mood. I loved it.
Next came our main courses which were savory crepes for Paul, Michael and me, and ravioli for Eileen. My crepe was amazing . . . a folded square loaded with tomatoes, avocado, mushrooms, mozzarella, ham and a red pepper coulis on the side as a dressing. I was only able to eat about half of it because I wanted to save room for dessert.
And OH the dessert . . . my friends, if you are local, or if you ever have the chance to eat (or make) a crepe sucree (sweet crepe), please, please do so. You won't be disappointed. The one that was the hands-down favorite at our table was called "La Delice." It was a crepe filled with raspberry jam, vanilla custard and nutella. It was so, so, so good. I can't even put it into words. We also got "La Mont Blanc" which was a crepe stuffed with mixed local berries, chocolate and whipped cream. AND we got a side of vanilla bean ice cream to share. And then to make it even better, the first La Delice that the waitress brought was mistakenly made with a regular crepe instead of a gluten-free one . . . she came back and told us the mistake just as I put the first bite into my mouth. But no matter. She offered to whip us up another one tout de suite and said we could even keep the "mistake" for our trouble. Eileen, Paul and Michael gobbled it right up. :)
After we'd practically licked the dessert plates clean, we talked a bit more and then decided to call it a night--but not before taking pictures of the two pregnant ladies, to commemorate a most momentous event in all of our lives.
We did it. Not without tears, not without frustration, not without jealousy or overwhelming heartache.
But we did it.
And that is the most important thing.
 |
| Me and Eileen--18 weeks and 30 weeks |
For awhile now Eileen and I have been saying that we need to do something to celebrate getting pregnant--to recognize just how much of an accomplishment that is for us and everything we did (and are still doing) to get to this point. My first thought was to have a huge party, inviting everyone we know, play loud upbeat music and try to convey our joy to everyone that way. Eileen's thought was that we might enjoy ourselves more by having a small couples dinner where I could finally meet Paul and she could meet Michael. The more I thought about it, the more I liked her idea better than mine. After all, no one of our friends and family (as much as they love and support us) would really understand why we wanted to celebrate getting pregnant. It would more than likely turn into a sort of baby shower, with lots of attention focused on those little loves growing in our bellies--which would be okay too, and which we are both looking forward to at our respective showers--but what we most wanted was a chance to sit back, take a breath and say, "Wow, we really did it. Can you believe it?" We wanted to marvel at the miracle that is not only growing a baby in your belly for nine months, but the fact that that baby ever came into existence at all. Because believe me, I am quite sure we would not be where we are now had we not both taken the IVF gamble and gotten very, very lucky.
We had the most wonderful dinner together, chatting and laughing for close to three hours. Lucky for us, it is a French restaurant and they seem to follow the French philosophy that a really good meal with friends should last several hours. The vibe would have been way different if we'd felt rushed to finish our meal and vacate our table for whomever might be waiting. As it was, we got a nice cozy table in the back, which is actually a covered patio with space heaters placed strategically here and there so customers don't freeze their hineys off.
We all began our meal with soup (they had pea and I had French onion) and a toast with sparkling cider. I'd called earlier in the day to make a reservation and asked if it would be okay to bring a bottle of cider since Eileen and I wouldn't be able to indulge in wine. The manager was very kind to say it was totally fine and that they wouldn't even charge us a corking fee. The cider certainly added to the celebratory mood. I loved it.
Next came our main courses which were savory crepes for Paul, Michael and me, and ravioli for Eileen. My crepe was amazing . . . a folded square loaded with tomatoes, avocado, mushrooms, mozzarella, ham and a red pepper coulis on the side as a dressing. I was only able to eat about half of it because I wanted to save room for dessert.
And OH the dessert . . . my friends, if you are local, or if you ever have the chance to eat (or make) a crepe sucree (sweet crepe), please, please do so. You won't be disappointed. The one that was the hands-down favorite at our table was called "La Delice." It was a crepe filled with raspberry jam, vanilla custard and nutella. It was so, so, so good. I can't even put it into words. We also got "La Mont Blanc" which was a crepe stuffed with mixed local berries, chocolate and whipped cream. AND we got a side of vanilla bean ice cream to share. And then to make it even better, the first La Delice that the waitress brought was mistakenly made with a regular crepe instead of a gluten-free one . . . she came back and told us the mistake just as I put the first bite into my mouth. But no matter. She offered to whip us up another one tout de suite and said we could even keep the "mistake" for our trouble. Eileen, Paul and Michael gobbled it right up. :)
After we'd practically licked the dessert plates clean, we talked a bit more and then decided to call it a night--but not before taking pictures of the two pregnant ladies, to commemorate a most momentous event in all of our lives.
We did it. Not without tears, not without frustration, not without jealousy or overwhelming heartache.
But we did it.
And that is the most important thing.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Prenatal Visit at 16 Weeks
Last Tuesday we had a check-up with Dr. Stempel. It was the regular 16-week appointment we'd had scheduled before the car accident happened. His assistant Renee (I really like her), measured my weight (138--up four pounds from two weeks ago!) and took my blood pressure (normal). When the doctor came in, he talked to me about how things have been going since the accident. I told him that I'm concerned about the spotting that hasn't decreased and if anything has picked up a bit. It's still "old" blood though, which isn't as worrying as if it was bright red. Dr. Stempel said he doesn't know where it's coming from, although he is guessing that it's from one of my blood vessels that was going to the other twin's placenta. When the placenta dislodged from the wall of the uterus, it may have broken a vessel and caused the bleeding. Or it could have pooled up behind the placenta when I was bleeding so much right after the accident and is now making its way out of my body. He told me that he's had about 100 women in his 35-year career who have spotted or bled during their second or third trimesters and most of them have gone on to have their babies with no problems. In a few cases, things didn't work out, but in most they did. I know he has to tell me that--that it doesn't always work out--but it didn't help to give me the reassurance I was hoping for. He did say he has a feeling that I'll be alright (and baby too!), so I am trying to focus on that and remember that I am doing the very best I can. And that little heartbeat is so strong! It gives me hope that he is going to hang in there.
Dr. Stempel checked the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler and measured the length of my womb with an instrument that reminded me of a compass. I asked if he'd found out any more information on the possibility of a waterbirth at Emanuel. He grinned mischievously, like he'd had a feeling I was going to bring that up again. :) There are some waterbirths happening at the hospital, but mainly the certified nurse-midwives are doing them. He said he's not really comfortable agreeing to help me with a waterbirth since he's never attended one and he's not sure if his partners would be comfortable stepping in if he wasn't available. What he said next surprised me though, as the first time I'd asked him about it, he'd said he didn't think it was a good idea. He said that as I get closer to my duedate and am still a candidate for waterbirth (there are certain criteria to meet), he would refer me to a midwife who could attend me at the hospital. The surprising thing was that he said he would be happy to co-manage my pregnancy if that happened, and be available to step in should the need arise to help with more "traditional means," as he put it. I was happy to hear that because I do like Dr. Stempel, and I think it would be great to have all my bases covered--in the event that I do need help during labor, I would feel much better already knowing and trusting the OB that steps in. I did wonder what made him change his mind from the first time we talked.
The doctor offered to see me again in two weeks instead of the usual four--to check the baby again and help with my peace of mind. I was / am really grateful for that. We go back on November 22, right before Thanksgiving. Then our next visit will be at 20 weeks and we'll have the usual ultrasound to check the baby's organ development. The doctor said they can check on the placement of the placenta as well and help determine how things will be lined up for the birth.
Until then . . . keep growing, my little one.
Dr. Stempel checked the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler and measured the length of my womb with an instrument that reminded me of a compass. I asked if he'd found out any more information on the possibility of a waterbirth at Emanuel. He grinned mischievously, like he'd had a feeling I was going to bring that up again. :) There are some waterbirths happening at the hospital, but mainly the certified nurse-midwives are doing them. He said he's not really comfortable agreeing to help me with a waterbirth since he's never attended one and he's not sure if his partners would be comfortable stepping in if he wasn't available. What he said next surprised me though, as the first time I'd asked him about it, he'd said he didn't think it was a good idea. He said that as I get closer to my duedate and am still a candidate for waterbirth (there are certain criteria to meet), he would refer me to a midwife who could attend me at the hospital. The surprising thing was that he said he would be happy to co-manage my pregnancy if that happened, and be available to step in should the need arise to help with more "traditional means," as he put it. I was happy to hear that because I do like Dr. Stempel, and I think it would be great to have all my bases covered--in the event that I do need help during labor, I would feel much better already knowing and trusting the OB that steps in. I did wonder what made him change his mind from the first time we talked.
The doctor offered to see me again in two weeks instead of the usual four--to check the baby again and help with my peace of mind. I was / am really grateful for that. We go back on November 22, right before Thanksgiving. Then our next visit will be at 20 weeks and we'll have the usual ultrasound to check the baby's organ development. The doctor said they can check on the placement of the placenta as well and help determine how things will be lined up for the birth.
Until then . . . keep growing, my little one.
A Visit to Andaluz
Last Monday (16 weeks!), Michael and I visited the Portland Andaluz Waterbirth Center for a tour and consult with a midwife. As soon as we walked in the door, I loved it. The waiting area featured two very squishy, comfy couches around a coffee table and fireplace. It looked more like the living room of someone's house than a clinic. The restroom was lovely too, decorated in dark colors with soft lighting. It definitely contributed to the sense of "home." We filled out some getting-to-know-you paperwork and waited to meet with our midwife.
It didn't take long for a petite young woman with long dark hair to open a side door and announce that she was looking for Amy. We jumped up and introduced ourselves. Her name was Jessica and she ushered us into one of the birth suites, which looked like a really nice, really homey hotel room. The two main centerpieces of the room were a bed covered in a flowered comforter and the deepest, most inviting looking tub I have ever seen. We sat on a loveseat and she faced us on another chair. For the next 45 minutes we chatted all about our journey to this point and why we were interested in having our baby at a birth center. She answered our questions thoroughly and even offered to let us listen to the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler. Of course I jumped at the chance. I got to try out the bed while Jessica moved the Doppler around on my belly until a really loud, really strong heartbeat was very clearly heard. Michael's response was, "It sounds like a truck!"
We didn't get to see the other common areas they have (kitchen and waiting area for extended family), but we were sent home with a folder of reading material about Andaluz and birth in general. I was excited to see that they offer childbirth classes at very reasonable rates. Whether or not we end up having our baby there unfortunately will depend on what insurance will cover. But even if we opt for a hospital birth, I'm pretty sure I'd like to go to the childbirth education classes at Andaluz and get some of my natural birth fix that way. :) Plus, I'll probably spring for a doula if we go to the hospital.
Michael and I were both glad we visited the water birth center, and are excited at the possibility of having our baby there.
It didn't take long for a petite young woman with long dark hair to open a side door and announce that she was looking for Amy. We jumped up and introduced ourselves. Her name was Jessica and she ushered us into one of the birth suites, which looked like a really nice, really homey hotel room. The two main centerpieces of the room were a bed covered in a flowered comforter and the deepest, most inviting looking tub I have ever seen. We sat on a loveseat and she faced us on another chair. For the next 45 minutes we chatted all about our journey to this point and why we were interested in having our baby at a birth center. She answered our questions thoroughly and even offered to let us listen to the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler. Of course I jumped at the chance. I got to try out the bed while Jessica moved the Doppler around on my belly until a really loud, really strong heartbeat was very clearly heard. Michael's response was, "It sounds like a truck!"
We didn't get to see the other common areas they have (kitchen and waiting area for extended family), but we were sent home with a folder of reading material about Andaluz and birth in general. I was excited to see that they offer childbirth classes at very reasonable rates. Whether or not we end up having our baby there unfortunately will depend on what insurance will cover. But even if we opt for a hospital birth, I'm pretty sure I'd like to go to the childbirth education classes at Andaluz and get some of my natural birth fix that way. :) Plus, I'll probably spring for a doula if we go to the hospital.
Michael and I were both glad we visited the water birth center, and are excited at the possibility of having our baby there.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
The Fright of my Life (Part Two)
Michael and I waited in the ER for just a few minutes while two nurses brought a bed to the room, but of course it felt like longer. When it was all set up and ready for me, I was instructed to change into a gown and we were given a TV remote-like device to call in case we needed help. As soon as I got up out of the wheelchair, I felt liquid leaking out of me and when I got my pants and undies off, there were trickles of blood running down my legs and onto the floor. I told Michael I thought I needed something else--a pad or something--or I was going to get blood all over the sheets on the bed. He called our nurse for help. While we waited, I stood and leaned against him, my face against the warm blanket he was holding. I cried and said how I couldn't believe this was happening, and that I just wanted my baby to be okay. Michael was beyond awesome. He held me and soothed me and was the strong one. I didn't realize until later how very upset and worried he was too.
When the nurse came back, she brought me one of those huge super-long maxi pads that all hospitals seem to stock, along with some "underwear" that seemed made out of mesh. But they were dry and that was the important thing. I got everything on and onto the bed/table. I started crying again and I think this was when Michael took my face in both hands, looked into my eyes and said, "It's going to be okay. And if it's not okay, there isn't anything you can do about it." Strangely, I felt calmed by his words. Maybe I needed that reminder that what was happening was out of my hands.
After several minutes' wait, the doctor arrived, along with a nurse-practitioner. I explained again what had happened and what I was experiencing. I told him that it seemed like the blood was mixed with a lot of sweet-smelling fluid . . . I was worried that my "water" had broken since there was so much of it. He said they would check the baby via ultrasound and he would call my OBGYN's office to see if there was anything else they should do.
Before he did the ultrasound, he felt my back and asked if I was having pain. I said yes, some and he asked if it was in the center or more on the sides. I guessed the sides. Then he poked my stomach a bit which didn't hurt but was tender. Michael and I both thought it was odd that he listened to my abdomen with a stethoscope. I don't know if he was listening for bowel sounds, or if he was really trying to hear the baby's heartbeat, but I was thinking that it was probably way too early for the latter.
Then it was time for an ultrasound with a little portable machine that they'd wheeled in. I'm nervous about getting ultrasounds anyway (especially early in the pregnancy when so much development is occuring), but I needed to know where the blood/fluid was coming from and I needed to make sure the baby was okay.
I didn't try to look at the screen. I kind of covered my eyes with one hand and waited to hear the news. Right away the doctor said, "If you look here, you'll see the heart beating." I turned my head to see, and he moved the screen toward me. Sure enough, there was a little form and I could see movement. To my right, I heard Michael choking out four or five heavy, broken sobs. It was then I knew just how worried he had been and how much he cared about our baby.
The doctor then tried to figure out the baby's heartbeats per minute, but he didn't really know how to use the machine. I got a little nervous while he fumbled around with dials and explained that the hospital had recently changed machines. Now I wish I would have asked for someone how knew how to use it to finish the exam, but at the time I didn't want to cause any problems. My comfort is that I'm pretty sure the machine was fairly low-powered, so hopefully no harm was done.
He did finally get a reading on the beats per minute, saying that it was normal. I think it was around 145. Then he left to call my doctor's office and see if there was anything else to be done.
Michael and I felt (of course!) a tremendous sense of relief at seeing that our baby was okay. That lasted until the doctor came back and said that there really wasn't anything left to be done but wait and see and that things could go "either way." I was thinking, "Are you serious?!" Those firefighters had told me that everything would be okay and now you're saying it's touch and go? The doctor went on to say that the on-call OBGYN at Dr. Stempel's office had said the only things to do were to check the viability of the baby and make sure my blood wasn't RH negative, which it isn't. Apparently, doing a vaginal exam wouldn't tell them much and might cause more harm than good.
Needless to say, we were not very comforted when we left. I was terrified of moving or standing up because I was afraid I was still bleeding. Michael was amazing though--he helped me get dressed (back in the soaked pants) and put on my socks and shoes, then wheeled me out of the room. I really had to pee so we stopped at a bathroom on our way out of the ER. It was as I had feared: the super maxi pad was already soaked with red blood. This freaked me out beyond belief because it looked for all the world like my period on my heaviest day. But there wasn't anything I could do, so I just got back in the wheelchair and waited while Michael finished filling out paperwork that had been skipped when we'd arrived. I did think to ask our nurse for a Chux pad to put underneath me on the drive home, as I didn't want to get blood on Michael's truck seats.
The drive home was pretty quiet. We stopped at Fred Meyer for something to eat as it was by that time (10PM) about the only place still open with semi-healthy food. I waited in the truck while Michael got some string cheese and tortilla soup for me.
When we got home I just ate a little bit and went to bed. Michael heated up my soup, brought me grapes and cheese and whatever else I needed. When I told him that I thought I'd sleep on the couch because I didn't want to try walking up the stairs, he said okay and went up to our room. He came back with all of the blankets from our bed in his arms. I asked, "Didn't you leave yourself any blankets?" He replied that he was going to sleep downstairs with me, on the other couch. So, so sweet. He'd also brought me the little flannel heart that my friend Carrie made while we were doing IVF. That one gesture was so touching . . . how had he known the exact right thing to do at that moment?
I lay awake for a long, long time that night, thinking about the accident and the baby and trying not to think about the bleeding. I'd changed pads when we got home and had had to change again a couple hours later--that made two of the big maxi pads that I'd gone through. The hospital had said to call my OB's office if I went through more than one pad an hour for four hours or more than 10 in 24 hours. I was worried the bleeding wouldn't slow down. I put the third pad on sometime in the middle of the night and by the morning there was just a spot about the size of a quarter on it, so that was definitely encouraging.
That night I spent a lot of time staring out the living room window at the night sky, talking to God and bargaining for my baby. What would it take for me to get to keep this baby? I was willing to do anything. I talked to the baby too. "We love you so much," I said, "and we want you to stay with us, but whatever happens, we will still love you. We are so proud of you for doing such a good job growing." I felt better after I talked to the baby--like again, it was out of my hands. It felt like I'd been awake for most of the night, when I finally felt a heavy sense of peace descend upon me and at last I was asleep.
Tuesday morning I called Dr. Stempel's office just after 8AM and explained what had happened. They got me an appointment to see him at 12:45 that day. Then it was just a long wait before we would need to leave for the north Portland office. I distracted myself with t.v. and Michael continued to take excellent care of me, bringing me juice, making me oatmeal for breakfast, making me lunch before we left. I kept thanking him, but there was no way to express just how thankful I was / am for him. All of those little things he did during that horrible time when we didn't know what would happen added up to mean so, so much to me. I'll probably never be able to tell him exactly how much it meant.
Finally it was time to go to the appointment. All we had was the truck which isn't the easiest for me to get into on a good day. To make it easier for me, Michael brought over some blocks of wood for me to stand on so I wouldn't have to jump onto the seat--again, so sweet.
When we got to the doctor's office, they took us back after waiting only a few minutes. We were to have the ultrasound first and then meet with the doctor. I was terrified of what we would find out after all that blood loss. The technician knew what was going on and was very kind. When she put the transducer on my belly and the image of the baby popped up on the screen, I asked right away, "Is it moving?" She replied that it was and I started breathing again. Michael and I watched as our baby waved little arms around, wiggled and stretched. I was in awe of the tiny vertebrae of the spine that looked so much like little pearls. What a surreal experience--to watch movement on a screen from a miniature human being and to know that it is inside you. It didn't feel real to me, although I think that will change once I start feeling the baby move. At the time it was beautiful and a miracle and yet hard for me to believe was real.
The technician measured the baby's head and femur, checked his heart rate (excellent) and said that everything looked fine. The amniotic sac was intact and the placenta was not pulled away from the uterine lining. We could see the other little twin too and she said it was all there--its sac was still intact as well although it had slipped down and was now quite close to my cervix. She said that could have been the reason for all the bleeding.
The funny thing is that I had mentioned that when we were at the hospital--first to the nurse who triaged me and took my vital signs, and again to the doctor. I had thought (hoped) that the blood and fluid was from the twin who hadn't made it. I had never had any bleeding or anything (Dr. Stempel had said I might or I might not) and it just made sense to me that maybe the accident had jarred loose the one that was no longer growing.
The technician managed to get a couple of great pictures of little Baby Hoffman for us. She printed them out for us and I'll post them below so you can see . . .
I asked if she might be able to tell us whether it was a boy or a girl . . . being 14 weeks, I knew it was sometimes possible to tell the gender if the baby's legs were in the right position. At first she said, "Don't paint the room yet, but if I had to guess, I'd say this is a boy." Then she manuevered for some different angles and said, "Oh, this is definitely a boy!" It was pretty funny. She showed us his two femurs and said, "See this is a leg bone and this is a leg bone, and this here in the middle is not a leg bone!" :)
After the ultrasound we felt much, much, MUCH better about our little one. We met briefly with Dr. Stempel and he said that he thought the bleeding was probably from the twin who hadn't made it, although he said the fluid was a mystery since both sacs were intact. He told me that the accident, while scary for me, wasn't a direct blow to the uterus and that the living baby should be just fine. We already had an appointment to go back on November 8th (16 weeks!), and he said he would see us then.
So now it's been 10 days since the accident. I've been doing okay but am still spotting which is a bit worrisome, and I've been having that same weird UTI-like feeling I had before when we found out the other twin's heart had stopped. I've been telling myself that the feeling is just from my body passing old blood and not to worry, that our little boy is okay. The days that I still have some morningsickness are actually welcome because it reminds me that I'm pregnant and that things are happening as they should. I did call Dr. Stempel's office today just to let them know I'm still spotting and see if the doctor thought it was normal. He did, but said I could come in and they would check the baby's heartbeat if I wanted. I did want to go, but we were so busy at work that there was no way Michael could have gotten away and there was no way I was going by myself just in case it was not good news. Just hearing that Dr. Stempel thinks it's normal is enough for me to wait until our appointment on Tuesday.
Thank you all so much for your good thoughts and prayers for us. I'm sorry that I alarmed some of you with my first post . . . I should have probably posted it all at once so you'd have the whole story at one time. Please continue to pray for us . . . <3
Thank you.
When the nurse came back, she brought me one of those huge super-long maxi pads that all hospitals seem to stock, along with some "underwear" that seemed made out of mesh. But they were dry and that was the important thing. I got everything on and onto the bed/table. I started crying again and I think this was when Michael took my face in both hands, looked into my eyes and said, "It's going to be okay. And if it's not okay, there isn't anything you can do about it." Strangely, I felt calmed by his words. Maybe I needed that reminder that what was happening was out of my hands.
After several minutes' wait, the doctor arrived, along with a nurse-practitioner. I explained again what had happened and what I was experiencing. I told him that it seemed like the blood was mixed with a lot of sweet-smelling fluid . . . I was worried that my "water" had broken since there was so much of it. He said they would check the baby via ultrasound and he would call my OBGYN's office to see if there was anything else they should do.
Before he did the ultrasound, he felt my back and asked if I was having pain. I said yes, some and he asked if it was in the center or more on the sides. I guessed the sides. Then he poked my stomach a bit which didn't hurt but was tender. Michael and I both thought it was odd that he listened to my abdomen with a stethoscope. I don't know if he was listening for bowel sounds, or if he was really trying to hear the baby's heartbeat, but I was thinking that it was probably way too early for the latter.
Then it was time for an ultrasound with a little portable machine that they'd wheeled in. I'm nervous about getting ultrasounds anyway (especially early in the pregnancy when so much development is occuring), but I needed to know where the blood/fluid was coming from and I needed to make sure the baby was okay.
I didn't try to look at the screen. I kind of covered my eyes with one hand and waited to hear the news. Right away the doctor said, "If you look here, you'll see the heart beating." I turned my head to see, and he moved the screen toward me. Sure enough, there was a little form and I could see movement. To my right, I heard Michael choking out four or five heavy, broken sobs. It was then I knew just how worried he had been and how much he cared about our baby.
The doctor then tried to figure out the baby's heartbeats per minute, but he didn't really know how to use the machine. I got a little nervous while he fumbled around with dials and explained that the hospital had recently changed machines. Now I wish I would have asked for someone how knew how to use it to finish the exam, but at the time I didn't want to cause any problems. My comfort is that I'm pretty sure the machine was fairly low-powered, so hopefully no harm was done.
He did finally get a reading on the beats per minute, saying that it was normal. I think it was around 145. Then he left to call my doctor's office and see if there was anything else to be done.
Michael and I felt (of course!) a tremendous sense of relief at seeing that our baby was okay. That lasted until the doctor came back and said that there really wasn't anything left to be done but wait and see and that things could go "either way." I was thinking, "Are you serious?!" Those firefighters had told me that everything would be okay and now you're saying it's touch and go? The doctor went on to say that the on-call OBGYN at Dr. Stempel's office had said the only things to do were to check the viability of the baby and make sure my blood wasn't RH negative, which it isn't. Apparently, doing a vaginal exam wouldn't tell them much and might cause more harm than good.
Needless to say, we were not very comforted when we left. I was terrified of moving or standing up because I was afraid I was still bleeding. Michael was amazing though--he helped me get dressed (back in the soaked pants) and put on my socks and shoes, then wheeled me out of the room. I really had to pee so we stopped at a bathroom on our way out of the ER. It was as I had feared: the super maxi pad was already soaked with red blood. This freaked me out beyond belief because it looked for all the world like my period on my heaviest day. But there wasn't anything I could do, so I just got back in the wheelchair and waited while Michael finished filling out paperwork that had been skipped when we'd arrived. I did think to ask our nurse for a Chux pad to put underneath me on the drive home, as I didn't want to get blood on Michael's truck seats.
The drive home was pretty quiet. We stopped at Fred Meyer for something to eat as it was by that time (10PM) about the only place still open with semi-healthy food. I waited in the truck while Michael got some string cheese and tortilla soup for me.
When we got home I just ate a little bit and went to bed. Michael heated up my soup, brought me grapes and cheese and whatever else I needed. When I told him that I thought I'd sleep on the couch because I didn't want to try walking up the stairs, he said okay and went up to our room. He came back with all of the blankets from our bed in his arms. I asked, "Didn't you leave yourself any blankets?" He replied that he was going to sleep downstairs with me, on the other couch. So, so sweet. He'd also brought me the little flannel heart that my friend Carrie made while we were doing IVF. That one gesture was so touching . . . how had he known the exact right thing to do at that moment?
I lay awake for a long, long time that night, thinking about the accident and the baby and trying not to think about the bleeding. I'd changed pads when we got home and had had to change again a couple hours later--that made two of the big maxi pads that I'd gone through. The hospital had said to call my OB's office if I went through more than one pad an hour for four hours or more than 10 in 24 hours. I was worried the bleeding wouldn't slow down. I put the third pad on sometime in the middle of the night and by the morning there was just a spot about the size of a quarter on it, so that was definitely encouraging.
That night I spent a lot of time staring out the living room window at the night sky, talking to God and bargaining for my baby. What would it take for me to get to keep this baby? I was willing to do anything. I talked to the baby too. "We love you so much," I said, "and we want you to stay with us, but whatever happens, we will still love you. We are so proud of you for doing such a good job growing." I felt better after I talked to the baby--like again, it was out of my hands. It felt like I'd been awake for most of the night, when I finally felt a heavy sense of peace descend upon me and at last I was asleep.
Tuesday morning I called Dr. Stempel's office just after 8AM and explained what had happened. They got me an appointment to see him at 12:45 that day. Then it was just a long wait before we would need to leave for the north Portland office. I distracted myself with t.v. and Michael continued to take excellent care of me, bringing me juice, making me oatmeal for breakfast, making me lunch before we left. I kept thanking him, but there was no way to express just how thankful I was / am for him. All of those little things he did during that horrible time when we didn't know what would happen added up to mean so, so much to me. I'll probably never be able to tell him exactly how much it meant.
Finally it was time to go to the appointment. All we had was the truck which isn't the easiest for me to get into on a good day. To make it easier for me, Michael brought over some blocks of wood for me to stand on so I wouldn't have to jump onto the seat--again, so sweet.
When we got to the doctor's office, they took us back after waiting only a few minutes. We were to have the ultrasound first and then meet with the doctor. I was terrified of what we would find out after all that blood loss. The technician knew what was going on and was very kind. When she put the transducer on my belly and the image of the baby popped up on the screen, I asked right away, "Is it moving?" She replied that it was and I started breathing again. Michael and I watched as our baby waved little arms around, wiggled and stretched. I was in awe of the tiny vertebrae of the spine that looked so much like little pearls. What a surreal experience--to watch movement on a screen from a miniature human being and to know that it is inside you. It didn't feel real to me, although I think that will change once I start feeling the baby move. At the time it was beautiful and a miracle and yet hard for me to believe was real.
The technician measured the baby's head and femur, checked his heart rate (excellent) and said that everything looked fine. The amniotic sac was intact and the placenta was not pulled away from the uterine lining. We could see the other little twin too and she said it was all there--its sac was still intact as well although it had slipped down and was now quite close to my cervix. She said that could have been the reason for all the bleeding.
The funny thing is that I had mentioned that when we were at the hospital--first to the nurse who triaged me and took my vital signs, and again to the doctor. I had thought (hoped) that the blood and fluid was from the twin who hadn't made it. I had never had any bleeding or anything (Dr. Stempel had said I might or I might not) and it just made sense to me that maybe the accident had jarred loose the one that was no longer growing.
The technician managed to get a couple of great pictures of little Baby Hoffman for us. She printed them out for us and I'll post them below so you can see . . .
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| Hi Mama and Papa! See, I'm okay! |
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| Oh my goodness! Just look at that round tummy! |
I asked if she might be able to tell us whether it was a boy or a girl . . . being 14 weeks, I knew it was sometimes possible to tell the gender if the baby's legs were in the right position. At first she said, "Don't paint the room yet, but if I had to guess, I'd say this is a boy." Then she manuevered for some different angles and said, "Oh, this is definitely a boy!" It was pretty funny. She showed us his two femurs and said, "See this is a leg bone and this is a leg bone, and this here in the middle is not a leg bone!" :)
After the ultrasound we felt much, much, MUCH better about our little one. We met briefly with Dr. Stempel and he said that he thought the bleeding was probably from the twin who hadn't made it, although he said the fluid was a mystery since both sacs were intact. He told me that the accident, while scary for me, wasn't a direct blow to the uterus and that the living baby should be just fine. We already had an appointment to go back on November 8th (16 weeks!), and he said he would see us then.
So now it's been 10 days since the accident. I've been doing okay but am still spotting which is a bit worrisome, and I've been having that same weird UTI-like feeling I had before when we found out the other twin's heart had stopped. I've been telling myself that the feeling is just from my body passing old blood and not to worry, that our little boy is okay. The days that I still have some morningsickness are actually welcome because it reminds me that I'm pregnant and that things are happening as they should. I did call Dr. Stempel's office today just to let them know I'm still spotting and see if the doctor thought it was normal. He did, but said I could come in and they would check the baby's heartbeat if I wanted. I did want to go, but we were so busy at work that there was no way Michael could have gotten away and there was no way I was going by myself just in case it was not good news. Just hearing that Dr. Stempel thinks it's normal is enough for me to wait until our appointment on Tuesday.
Thank you all so much for your good thoughts and prayers for us. I'm sorry that I alarmed some of you with my first post . . . I should have probably posted it all at once so you'd have the whole story at one time. Please continue to pray for us . . . <3
Thank you.
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