"Even When You're Sad"
Sing hard. Act out that part you have,
by singing when it comes. Invited,
plunge. Places there are where you'll never
be unless the sound is your sound.
Here's a way, for the kind of world
this is, to take before it ends:
Discover a talisman
hold it; find a road; run.
--William Stafford
It's so hard going through infertility. It's hard going through it and it's hard watching a friend struggle with it because you know exactly how she feels.
Tonight I am thinking of my friend, Eileen, and of myself and I am wondering how much longer we will have to wait to become moms.
When I feel sad, I surround myself with words. They make me feel better and help me keep going. Groovy, soulful, passionate music helps too--and sometimes chocolate. Tonight, it's "Sydney (I'll Come Running)" by Brett Dennen and Crosby, Stills and Nash's "Southern Cross" playing over and over that are helping keep me from wallowing too much. Also helping are words from a couple of women writers who also walked the long road I'm on and who, following different paths, came out the other side holding the hands of their children.
One lady and her husband adopted a baby that another couple had decided they couldn't provide properly for. The baby didn't belong to the author and her husband biologically, but when she was born, they knew at once that she was theirs.
The other lady and her husband wanted to have babies that would be genetic siblings. They found an egg donor, used the husband's sperm and found 2 surrogates to carry the babies for them. The babies were born 5 days apart.
What I like about these stories is that these women found a way to get what they wanted. They were sad for awhile, they wallowed, they despaired, but then they pulled themselves up and out and decided upon a plan.
When I look back on all of the posts I have made since beginning this blog, I get discouraged. It feels like so much time (so many months) have flown by and I still don't feel much farther along. I feel something building though--something is coming to a head. I am ready now to make the call (tomorrow!) to Oregon Reproductive Medicine and consult with a doctor there. Then it will be decision time . . . do we try one or two IUIs or do we take a gamble and go for IVF? Or do we look into adoption instead?
IVF will most likely depend upon whether or not we qualify for ORM's "Our Promise" plan which promises a partial or total refund of money invested if, after 3 IVF tries, there is still no live birth.
Adoption is scary too . . . birth moms can change their minds even after the baby is born. And even if a birth mom didn't change her mind, even if she freely gave us her baby and signed all the papers, I wonder how giving up that child might damage her spirit. I would worry for her.
Michael and I talk about it and it feels surreal . . . thousands of dollars placed (not unlike a bet in a casino) on what comes down to about a 50/50 chance of success, or thousands of dollars spent on a child that someone else, somewhere, will have to give up having in their lives so that we can have a family. Both options tug at my heart in different ways.
But for now, there is music and there are words, and I thank God for them. And I hope my friend is feeling some peace tonight too.
What great music to lean on.
ReplyDeleteJust remember that each step, each entry you have written in this blog, brings you just a little closer to making that one, big decision. To getting to mommyhood.
It will come for you. I feel it deep down. Just try (though I know it must be SO difficult) to quiet your mind, relax, and listen for the answer that is best for you and Michael.
Thank you, Christi. I too, know it will happen . . . it's just this perpetual waiting that is so difficult. But you're right, I do need to quiet my mind in order to figure out the best route to take. I've gotta work on that! :)
ReplyDelete