Oh Happy Day!

You can most likely tell from the title of this post that I had good news today when I went in for the HSG. :)

And YES, the news is good--much, much, MUCH better than I was expecting, given my history of endometriosis and the results of the pelvic ultrasound I had last March that showed a strong likelihood of endometrial involvement with my ovaries.

Most of you following this blog know of my struggle between having the test and not having it. I scheduled it after meeting with a local acupuncturist who strongly urged me to have the test pronto before proceeding any further with alternative treatments. I scheduled the test, then had a couple of weeks to wait since it needed to be done before ovulation. I kept wondering if I was making the right decision. It would cost several hundred dollars that insurance would not cover, and there was a chance of having a "false positive" result. Basically, the tubes might appear blocked when they really aren't; apparently, the fallopian tubes can spasm during the test and keep the dye from flowing freely out the ends of the tubes, thus appearing blocked.

As I was weighing the pros and cons of having the test, I received an email from one of the girls who attended the retreat with me in April. She wanted to know how things were going, so I told her of my scheduled HSG. She emailed back a reply that shook me. She also had had an HSG, but her tubes had spasmed during the test and she had spent several weeks thinking that her chances of conceiving were nil. Then she got pregnant, so she knew that she had had a false positive HSG test result. My friend's story really made me question the wisdom of having the test done. I knew that if I got news that my tubes were blocked, it would be very, very difficult for me to keep any hope in my heart.

Then I talked with Lindsey last night via Facebook chat. I told her I was scared and she listened to my fears and then gave it to me straight--as she has done many, many times in the many years of our friendship (thanks, Man!). :) She reminded me that it was just a test, just a gathering of information. The results would not define me or my chances of getting pregnant.

I felt better going into today, but still nervous. All day at work, I checked the clock and counted down the hours until my test. I told myself that if I really had a bad feeling about it once I got there, I could still cancel it. But I also told myself just to breathe, that I could do this, and that at least I would have some definitive information--and it wouldn't be as invasive as surgery.

The girl who came to get me from the waiting room looked to be about my age. She smiled and took me back to a small changing area, where she handed me a gown and sheet. After I was done changing, I pulled the curtain back open and the girl was back and ready to lead me to the room where the test would be performed. My heart jumped a bit when I saw that she was covered from neck to feet in the longest lead apron I have ever seen. It reminded me that I was about to get zapped with radiation, in precisely the area that was always so carefully covered whenever I have had x-rays in the past. I told myself that it would be fine. She was exposed many times a day, whereas I was only having this small test.

The doctor was waiting for me, alone in the dimly lit imaging area. She looked to be in her early to mid fifties and had a calm presence that helped put me at ease. She introduced herself, shaking my hand, and then asked if I was nervous. When I said that I was, she smiled and said it was normal to feel that way and that she would tell me everything that would be happening as we proceeded with the test.

She got me situated on a table covered in sheets and pillows, and then positioned me so that she could insert a tube that would shoot dye into my uterus. It was then I noticed the large monitor to my left. The doctor indicated that pictures of my uterus and fallopian tubes would show up in real time as they took the xrays and she would be able to give me the results of the test right away. The girl who had brought me in moved the camera over my abdomen and began taking pictures. A ghostly shape that looked like intestines appeared on the monitor. I took deep breaths as the doctor got the tube in place, then watched the monitor astounded as I saw dye begin to fill a portion of the lower screen. It showed up dark against the pale background of my other abdominal organs. I knew the dark patch I was seeing must be my uterus, and with my eyes I willed the dye to flow out where I imagined my tubes to be. I didn't have long to wait! Soon I saw thin lines leading away from my uterus and held my breath to see if she would say they were open or not.

"Well, your right tube is open," she said, and my heart almost stopped. I really couldn't believe what I had just heard.

"Yes, you definitely have something to work with here," she added.

"That's awesome," I said. I could not take my eyes off the screen. When she told me that the other tube was also open, it was just too much. I think I said something like, "Wow, I can't believe it." I was just absolutely floored.

The doctor removed the tube and then had me roll over on the table 360 degrees. She had her assistant take another picture to be sure that the fluid was flowing out of the tubes and into my abdominal cavity. That last picture just looked like a blur of light and dark. I looked at the doctor with raised eyebrows, but she said that everything looked great--my uterus too.

When I told her that I really couldn't believe that everything looked so good given all my years of endometriosis, she nodded gravely and said, "You are very lucky." Then she told me that my doctor (the one who ordered the test) would want me to try to get pregnant this cycle since there is a slight percentage of women who conceive immediately following an HSG. No one really knows the reason why this happens, but the theory is that the dye moving through the tubes helps wash out any debris and allows the egg to move freely through to the uterus.

I changed back into my clothes in a daze and left the office feeling like a prisoner who has just been granted a reprieve. It may sound overly dramatic, but I had really been expecting to hear that one or both tubes were completely blocked. To hear the exact opposite was sweet music indeed.

I think having this test was money well spent--even if I don't know for sure that the tubes are healthy enough to move an egg through or if there might be a problem with too much mucous interfering with the egg, at least I know they are not blocked!!!!

The test results have helped boost my confidence and my faith in myself. I think that alone was worth the money.

:)

HSG Scheduled

It's been awhile since my last post. I've been trying to decide what to do about the hysterosalpingogram test and what I've decided is to just go ahead and do it. At least that way, I'll know what I'm working with and Michael and I can go from there when making plans for our next steps to becoming parents.

My test is scheduled for August 13, pending the arrival of my next period--the test is generally done within the first 11 days of the cycle, but not during bleeding. My period hasn't been following a 28 day pattern, so I had to make an educated guess in terms of scheduling the test. If it arrives late, I'll probably need to reschedule.

Where I am now . . . I've been taking the herbs, Wobenzym, Nattokinase & OPC supplements recommended by the Fertile Soul, pretty religiously. I have done a few castor oil packs and some abdominal massage, but not as regularly as I am "supposed" to. I think I have been feeling depressed about the whole thing again and feeling like giving up--not a great place to be, but there you have it. I wonder why it is so easy for me to get discouraged in this process. Maybe because it feels like it has been dragging on for so long . . . maybe that is to be expected. I don't know. Sometimes I do feel like I am too easily swayed by something I hear (either positive or negative). I think it's hard knowing when to believe in the possibility of a successful outcome using an alternative medical treatment and when to be "realistic." Likewise, it's tough knowing how much stock to put in test results . . . I guess it's something I have to figure out on my own.

I know this sad feeling will pass eventually (might pass more quickly if I did some yoga or qi gong!), but for right now I am trying to just accept what is, right now, in the present moment.